Need help with a fear of hell

[mesmerist]

Hello all,

I hope it does not seem like I'm seeking attention or that I'm bothering anyone or breaking the rules of the board. I just feel I need spiritual help and felt that this was the best place to turn to.

You see, I was raised Catholic, and throughout my childhood, a fear of death as well as clinical depression led me to adhere to those beliefs. As I got to college, this fear and depression led me to instead start to follow the teachings of this end-times fundamentalist Christian pastor. However, in doing this, the fear and depression never really went away, and furthermore, I felt guilty thinking about the destruction and/or torture of most of the world's population - many of which are my friends. As such, I broke away from Christianity entirely about 3 years ago.

To this day, however, the fears of the devil and hell and depression have never really gone away. It doesn't make sense to me that a loving God would permit either to exist, but I still sometimes find myself feeling guilty for feeling that. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, God will hate me, and I often have to fight the urge to return to that end-times group, which scares me.

I feel like I need help on top of the meds and therapy I'm taking. I've tried guided meditation for anxiety and depression or to receive divine love, but there's always this lingering paranoia within me that this, too, is the work of the devil, or that I should feel guilty for searching for another way. I'm just looking for answers or some way that can help me ease the indecision and anxiety I seem to constantly have. I look forward to hearing what you all have to say.

Thank you,

Chris/Mesmerist