Can the Chaser be the one to make contact?

[ForeverRestless]

I am not posting this question today because I plan to contact my Twin Flame or that I'm even feeling compelled at all to contact him. Actually, at the moment I am not. At the moment I have much more calm about the situation and a desire to let him be. But I want to investigate the plight the chaser and Egoic issues around "chasing."

To rebrief you on my story: I met my Twin Flame online while preparing to travel abroad last year. We decided to Skype beforehand and had an instant connection and felt like best friends. I think it kind of freaked us both out. I remember feeling so comfortable with him and excited to meet him. He later told me that he had such a sense of calm and peace in seeing my face and was excited to meet me too. We spent the new three weeks chatting online and already having an arsenal of inside jokes by the time I arrived abroad. I was at the point of texting him throughout the day like one of my best guy friends. I didn't anticipate that he would be a romantic connection, not until things changed...

When I arrived in his country and he hosted me for my stay, that's when things got complicated. I've written my story on this forum multiple times before so I won't tell the whole thing, but we got incredibly close over just a few days, didn't want to spend any time apart, and felt like best friends. We had long talks and things began to verge on flirtation at the end, and we finally acknowledged our feelings for each other right when I had to leave. Because our attraction was so intense, he later came to meet me in another city so we could explore our connection. I met up with him once more a week after that. Things got crazy intense in the way that Twin Flame relationships do, then I came back to my country and it was very hard on both of us. We talked all day every day, he told me the darkest secrets in his life, we got so close it was almost painful, then he began to pull away, tried to cut off his emotions. When I stayed strong in my feelings, he pulled away more. I began to feel like I was the only one committed to carrying the relationship forward. After having a fully balanced relationship before, now I was suddenly THE CHASER. He became THE RUNNER. He started being more callous in his communication with me, and finally told me directly that he was not prepared to move forward. I told him the connection meant something to me. He brushed it off as a passing fling. While it was obvious I was hurt, I basically told him that I accepted his decision, and that some things don't work out and I would always appreciate the time I had with him. I tried my best to stay strong. We made small talk for a few days as my heart was crushed into pieces on the inside. I tried to act casual and unaffected. I was trying to respect his decision. One day I made a flippant statement about future plans that were clearly being made without consideration of him (because he had already ended things), and he never responded. Maybe he was angered. Maybe he thought to himself, "OK, this is really over now; there's nothing else left to talk about or fight for." Maybe he was offended that I seemed ready to move on too. Who knows. All I know is that we never once communicated or interacted again after that day. My spirit was crushed into a fine dust and I felt broken in every sense of the word. I'm surprised I lived through it. But I kept my months of suffering to myself. Well, I told some friends. And there were occasionally some sad songs posted on my Facebook page, but overall, my vibe was, "good riddance! I'm going to enjoy my life and everything is so awesome!" For a while I had to simply force myself to be enthusiastic about everything and involved in every possible distraction until one day I actually WAS living my life again. It took me a long time, but I never once reached out to him to beg him to come back, to tell him how much he hurt me, to find out how he was doing, to call him out on getting another girlfriend pretty much immediately, NOTHING. I left him completely 100% alone, and he left me completely 100% alone. I chased psychologically. I longed for him. But he made choices that were self-indulgent and self-serving (seemingly) and he did not want me to be part of those. So I was left to fend for myself. He didn't want me anymore.

Now that I've explained my Chaser backstory, I want to come back to my question: OK, first of all, I am an incredibly feminine woman. I'm receptive to masculine energy. A man pursues, I accept. That's kind of how I operate. Whenever I have pursued a man, it's felt very very wrong. I've felt foolish and pathetic and vulnerable and deeply insecure, just asking for rejection. The first and only time I ever asked a guy out, I was 17. I called him and he said he was busy. It sounded like an excuse. I was absolutely crushed. Later that man came back into my life three separate times, so I now know he wasn't really rejecting me, but that was what I told myself at 17.

My whole life I've tried not to be clingy or needy. I've been very independent and believing that, on the whole, I have to fend for myself and no one else is going to be there for me but me (maybe blame my parents). With my high school boyfriend, I would encourage him to hang out with his guy friends more. In my head, I was worried he would start to resent me and think I was too needy if we spent too much time together, so I made attempts to reset the ratios. I later learned he was deeply hurt by this because he thought I was saying I didn't want to spend time with him, or that he was getting on my nerves. I've spent 16 years dating, and have probably been on 1000 first dates. For 99% of cases, I have allowed the man to make the first move. I'm the girl who never asks the man out. I'm the girl who goes home at the end of a date and stays SILENT. If the man texts me, I know he was interested. If he doesn't, then I didn't strike his fancy. Until I'm in a committed relationship, I never text a man first, I never ask him to do something with me, none of that. I feel like that behavior only scares men away. I've had missed dates with men on occasion because I'm sitting at home waiting for them to text and by some misunderstanding, they were waiting for me to text. But I just stay quiet, and when they don't contact me, I assume I'm being stood up. It seems to confirm my low value. And then maybe they are standing me up, or maybe they aren't. But I leave it alone. I let men come to me. That's how I've been taught to handle things, or really, that's how I operate. Yes, I've spent a lifetime deeply afraid of being a "Chaser," and more often than not, men have broken up with me. I rarely break up with anyone because I have a rule that I will not go on more than five dates with a man I don't see a future with, so I cut things off early so I won't lead them on. I do this out of empathy, because I have had men ignore the same courtesy for me. They will date me long enough for me to get emotionally entangled THEN dump me. I often go on first dates and never hear from the guys again. Maybe they were secretly waiting on me to contact them, but I'd never be the one to contact first, so the opportunity disappears. Maybe they just weren't that into me. OK. I've been taught that if a man is into you, he'll make his interest known.

OK, so that's my psychology around relationships with men, flawed as it may be. But my point is to explain what goes through my head, and it's probably an ego-driven approach to dating that happens because I'm insecure about taking romantic risks, or it's easier to let something fade away than to be rejected outright, or it's easier to assume a guy is not interested then be pleasantly surprised in the event that he is. Expect nothing.

If you're still reading, I'm just trying to figure out where I stand in this Twin Flame dynamic. I leave my TF alone. I don't contact him. He doesn't contact me. And knowing how stubborn I am, I probably will never contact him. What if contacting him is the one thing I'm supposed to do? The obstacle to be overcome?

One of my friends from the forum said that when and if it becomes time to contact him, I will feel overwhelmingly compelled to by my soul. If I don't feel that, then it's not right, and I'm only forcing it. But how do I know if I avoid him because my soul is telling me to avoid him, or if it's these deeply entrenched patterns of my ego that tell me to avoid him? I've told myself all these stories about never contacting men, and now that's what I'm doing — not contacting him. Even though I miss him so much every day. Am I not contacting him because of my ego? How do I know if it's my ego keeping me from doing so and I actually SHOULD reestablish contact?

I want to explain that back when TF and I were connected, we were pursuing each other equally. It was the most freeing and wonderful thing and I'd never felt more balanced and whole. It was only when the dynamic shifted after I came home that everything fell apart.

And like most Twin Flames, he is a mirror of me, so he confessed about never making a move with a woman unless she demonstrates her interest first. One of the oddest things of my life is that I made the first move with TF. And he was so very happy that I did. He is just as afraid of rejection as I am. He is just as afraid to pursue as I am. We are the same soul. We are doing the same thing. We are avoiding communication with each other in exactly the same way.

Or maybe he just doesn't care AT ALL anymore and doesn't want to talk to me and never thinks about it at all.

I'll never know, you see, because I'll remain in silence. But is this what I'll do the rest of my life? Is there ever a time when I'll feel compelled to break the silence? Will he?

I feel like the only possible answer is to fully clear and heal all of my ego issues so that I'll know without a doubt that my choice to stay silent is coming from a pure place in my soul rather than the resistance of my ego, a defense mechanism.

And why do I, over a year later, still psychologically abuse myself for being a Chaser when I never really fought for him at all? I mean, I told him how much our time together meant to me, but I also told him I was ready to let him go if that's what he wanted. He was cruel and dismissive at the end, and I hope I have enough self respect to at least not accept such treatment. I have to love myself. I had to walk away. Am I still loving myself, and doing what's best for myself by staying silent, even after all this time?

Do the tables ever turn?

Fellow Chasers, did you ever contact them and try to get them to come back to you? To what extent did you fight to keep the relationship? Is my chasing behavior typical or not? I am still so very confused by what happened between me and TF, even after all this time. I feel him every single day and it's so very difficult. Someone I cannot even communicate with and he is there constantly. I don't even know if it's within my means to make this pain go away. To try to at least be friends with him, even though he has a girlfriend now. When is the right time? Is there ever a right time?

[cdoliveira]

I feel the same. I want to contact him SO BADLY but I won't cause we both need some time. But what if I miss the timing? What if I keep on postponing it and after that is going to be too late? What if he doesn't care anymore? Plus he is hurt cause I was seeing someone else after he dumped me so he probably hates me now :/

Someone please help us both? hahaha

[bluebird21]

Honestly, I sent him an outrageous email when I was furious. It drove him a little crazy... and he did come back. Then he got scared and ran away again. Not sure if it's something I am doing, hehe.

You will know when it's the right time because reaching out will feel like it's totally the natural thing to do.

[Impulsv]

Ur story resonates I could never make a move
That is why it was extremely painful the tought of contacting until the soul pain was worse than the tracing out/rejection. N actually it only worked until
I reached out. Example he suggest coffee if I took charge n set the day n time no problem but if I was vague like him n would say sure n left it up To him it never happened. Then seperation.
But reading your story it never occurred that he would be equally as afraid asi was!
Know this there is no wrong choice so u don't have to torment yourself as I would deciding to contact or not. What will be will be

[MissTetley]

Hi ForeverRestless, I was in a similar dilemma because in the past I had met a strong soulmate who ended up affecting me so much that I changed paths onto helping people more directly. This came about due to him being my boss, both of us being free and single and yet both being so similar that despite the strong attraction we both felt, neither of us would take any action despite each of us dropping huge hints that the other should. He more or less told me that it wouldn't be right for a boss to make a move on an employee and I was never the type to make a move on a boss !
So there we were in stalemate and growing more frustrated and petty with each other until I cracked from the strain, had a mini breakdown and had to leave.

When I met my twin soul I thought there is no way I'm going to risk my health again so no matter what I was going to do what I felt I should have done in the past and ask him out. This was an enormous turnaround for me as it wasn't something I would ever do normally.
I told him that if he ever wanted to visit a place we had been to where we had stayed apart, that I would be happy to go round there with him and that I didn't mean it as part of our group. He thanked me.

We are still in separation. We have chatted and had a laugh since then so I'm content that I left it all alone after an upbeat chat and that he knows he can contact me if he ever wants to, to go round that place.

[taurusnsane]

I have, and it was the right choice because he was thinking I left him and never wanted him. I assured him, I never meant my words and I am always there. He got confidence and it felt so liberating and to see him relieved.

[taurusnsane]

The right feeling comes, when the contact is right. At this moment we are separated again but I dont feel I need to contact him first, as its his time to overcome some of his. Last time I was the one and it felt right and was meant to be this way.

If you feel inside that you need to, not because of you need them to fill a void or whatever 3D thing but to support the connection, then its right. I feel many chasers "lose" their twins as they think they shouldnt never reach out first again. Its wrong. Balance is ok.

[ForeverRestless]

Thanks, this is very helpful. I'm pleasantly surprised to see that there are no strong responses about this either coming from my ego or my soul. I'll wait until it feels right and if it happens, it happens.

But then I think of the shame of being the one to contact him again after he left. I was the last one to say any words to him and he never responded, so why should I be the one to speak first again?

Then of course I have to consider that, a few days before, he asked me if I thought it would be better if we didn't talk for a while (since he wasn't going to pursue the relationship but said he still wanted to be friends). I told him I wasn't sure about that yet. It's possible that he thought I made a decision (not to talk), but didn't tell him outright. Maybe in a way he is just respecting my decision.

During those first couple months once we ceased communication, I watched him online carefully. He seemed to be going through a hard time, based on songs he was listening to, etc. One time he posted a photo on Instagram that seemed to be directed at me, but still didn't contact me.

Finally, one day I felt him sort of "give up," and a couple months later I found out he had a girlfriend. When I backtracked through his social media (I had stopped looking for a while), I found that he got together with her around the same time I felt him "give up." I don't know what's true. I don't know if this is my intuition or if I'm just telling myself stories, but a part of me believes he waited to hear from me for two months (not to get back together, because he'd made it clear he wasn't interested in starting a long distance relationship), and when I made it evident I was moving on with my life, he sighed and accepted it. He was lonely, so he decided to start this relationship. After all, I wasn't in his orbit anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if he was just waiting for me to make friendly contact again. If he still misses talking to me, sharing with me.

If I ever want that to start again, I have to become OK with him being beholden to another—in love, romance, sex, commitment, etc. Maybe I could be in his life in some capacity, but it would only be platonic, and I would have to hold back a lot, and that hurts.

Or would it be better to tell him how much I love him? I wouldn't want to disrespect the girlfriend. This stuff is so confusing. When I think about reaching out again, it's more like, "hi, how are you? I've missed your friendship these past months."

Of course that's only a teeny tiny bit of the truth, but it is truth. I'm not even sure how much you're supposed to reveal about your feelings when they are committed to another. Any advice on that, if I ever do try to reconnect with him? Or should I just wait until when/if he's single again? And what if they get married...?

[taurusnsane]

Being stubborn in the sake of love. Really?

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by taurusnsane

Being stubborn in the sake of love. Really?

I don't understand the question.