please please please help me

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been in a relationship for about 5 years. We have children together. He is very controlling, mentally abusive, and I know he will play games when it comes to the kids. I am tired anymore and just trying to hang in there. I don't know how much longer I am able too.

[SpiritCarrier]

Mel first of all let me say that I am sorry that you are in this situation. But the good news is it can end today. You must make some hard choices and you must be willing to follow through. If you have been with this person for 5 years and you are so young I am guessing that he keeps you in control partially by not allowing you to have a life outside of the one he provides. That must stop. You must find a women's shelter and begin to learn how to care for yourself. Get some education and be willing to work hard and long to provide the life you and your children deserve. I have been in a similar situation Mel, and I made it out and so can you. By asking for help you have taken the first step now just keep going and don't look back. I don't know what the situation is with your children, if he is abusive with them as well or if it is just you? Don't let your kids grow up thinking that the way they see mommy being treated by daddy is right or normal. Let them see mom get strong and become independent. Show them that just because you are down once in your life does not mean you stay down. Give them the example that you are proud to say, "Yes this is who I am."

Take small steps, get in touch with a shelter and ask for help. Begin making plans. Your 'real life' starts today. The rest is going to be a great and exhausting future but you are in control of it.

Good Luck to you Mel and remember that your life is just beginning.

Hugs,
SC

Originally Posted by mel

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been in a relationship for about 5 years. We have children together. He is very controlling, mentally abusive, and I know he will play games when it comes to the kids. I am tired anymore and just trying to hang in there. I don't know how much longer I am able too.

We've all been there and sometimes the advice you need to hear is the hardest. First, find someone in power (child services, lawyers, counselors) that can help you. Work with you and give you options where you can limit visitations, etc.

There is always a way out. You may have to look harder and find inside of you that personal power. I think your asking for help is the first step. Your children will learn as time goes on. These are lessons for them as well. I remember going through this as well when I left my controlling husband. It does get better and I was able to find friends and legal help that made it better for all of us.

You just have to take the steps xo

[astralsuzy]

The others have given you excellent advice. You know what you have to do and that is to get out as soon as possible. Do not tell him about it otherwise it could make the situation worse. The hardest thing to do is to make the first move. Once you have made the move you will never look back. You will be glad you did it. It would be difficult but you have to make a move. It can also be scary wondering how do I get out and where do I go to? There would have to be some sort of support groups or phone lines you can contact that can help you. Do some research to find out who to ring up to advise you what to do. You need support and help. I hope you have family or close friends that can help you.

[kindheart]

I'm so sorry to hear. Many people think it should be so easy to leave abusive relationships, children involved or not... people wonder why those being abused don't just leave the relationship... but it's not that easy is it? Even if you're so unhappy in it? Ironically those kinds of relationships are some of the hardest ones to leave, simply because there are the occasional good moments. Unfortunately, this form of intermittent, unpredictable reinforcement is the hardest to break from. Same with gambling... even if the person loses over and over, the occasional wins is what makes it so addictive.

I know it's hard. I know that even if you are unhappy, it's not easy at all to break free from this kind of relationship. You may (or may not) also still love him, which makes it even harder. But you can do it. Believe in yourself. We're here for you my dear :)

Best of luck with everything, keep us posted on how you're doing :) xox

[kindheart]

I also must say the advices given to you are all very good. I love people on this forum :) Seek advice and support from professionals, friends and family, like others said. Whatever your decision, don't stray from your friends and family... be sure not to isolate yourself xox

[Sarian]

Originally Posted by mel

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been in a relationship for about 5 years. We have children together. He is very controlling, mentally abusive, and I know he will play games when it comes to the kids. I am tired anymore and just trying to hang in there. I don't know how much longer I am able too.

Get out. Don't wait like I did. My ex (although our divorce is not finalized, it's almost over...finally....) When I met him, I just got out of a bad relationship. I wasn't looking for another, but along came my husband...he is 8 years older than me...looking back, he was stalking me. I thought he was nice but then he was leaving notes on my car, following me where i went. I found out he was lying to me about things, and told him to get lost...he came back crying and begging me not to quit being his 'friend'...then he's begging me to go out with him...I shouldn't have, but I did...he became gum under my shoe... All the signs were there, but I was too kind. Then he just took over. Hated all my friends, I got tired of his fighting me over them when they callled that I just no longer answered the phone. He emotionally, mentally, verbally abused me, then it became physical. He berated me, threatened me. I felt like a worthless piece of ****. Over the last 9 years I started taking my life back, little bits at a time. I shouldn't have taken that long, but I was afraid...finally I took the plunge. I got tired of hearing how he was going to kill me and kill himself if I left, along with what he'd do with my body... i was seeing an abuse counselor and documenting all of that though. Finally the beginning of this year I got a lawyer and filed. He went ballistic, the only thing that finally is stopping all of the hell he was putting me through this year was he reunited with his first love and is going to go and move to her state and in with her. He's never been nicer. Go figure. DON'T WAIT FOR A BETTER DAY. LEAVE NOW. I wasted so much time and my life...I felt like I just woke up finally.

Start making plans TODAY (i am not saying leave today) just start planning yourself and your life, make the closest people around you aware of your intentions, so that when push comes to shove, you have that emotional backing, just because you are tierd now, doesnt mean it isnt going to hurt like mad!!!! Get all "your ducks in row" before making the plunge. GOod luck!

As you have seen, you are not alone. You will have support in your next phase of life. No one deserves to live like that, even if our children are involved. If you can't leave now, yes, start planning as Tammy shared. Make sure you have you and your children's important documents. Shelters and such can always help you with clothing, food and a place to stay. If you are not working, they will help you get onto a career path and help your children adjust to whatever setting needs adjustment. If possible, have some money stashed away for the first few days. Its expensive to live in hotels, so, try to find out the number to call to get into a shelter. When you are ready, take the number, the documents/money, call right away...they will help you get legal assistance if needed. Its an adjustment, but, doable. You deserve a GREAT LIFE!!!

Mel I know its easy to say "just leave" but the reality of that is not that easy, it sounds like you have come to the conclusion that yes you are being abused, that is not healthy for you or your children to be around and something has to change, make contact with a womens refuge and they will have advice for you as to what to do next, every woman that walks through their door will have been at the stage you are at now, not knowing what to do next but knowing it cant go on like this. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you and your children will make it safely to your next phase of life, things will change for you but you need to make it happen, good luck Mel i will be thinking of you x