Lost

Hi. I am not sure if what I will share makes sense, but I am compelled to share my (long) story.... I hope someone understands and shines some light.
Nine years ago I met “him” in, of all places a chat room. Initially, our conversations were friendly driven; we would share our likings and advice each other regarding our troubles and/or misfortunes. Days into our conversations (no face to face interaction) he confessed to me that he was in love with me, and that he could not understand what was happening to him but that he was extremely drawn to me. My reaction? I was overwhelmed. The world of emotions I was now experiencing was a bit too much. I still remember the day he uttered the words “I love you.” Childish to say, but I literally felt butterflies in my stomach. I had never felt that way, and was confused by the effect his words had on my persona. Never had anyone filled my heart with such love, peach and joy as he did. But...a few days later, he came forward, and informed me that he was married; involved in an unhealthy marriage, and that his wife was expecting their first child... Oh, my heart was broken. He went on to inform me how unhappy he was in his marriage, but that he refused to give up on the relationship because he felt it was his last chance at happiness (He had some awful experiences in his past). He insisted that he was not happy, and out of the blues told me he had moved out of his house because he did not want to be unfaithful to ME. What, I asked myself? How was that so? I was perplexed and confused. Although I loved him dearly, deep inside I knew my obligation was to “return” him back home. Abruptly, and much against our true desires, our cyber relationship/telephone conversations came to an end. He returned home, and I proceeded with my life... My heart was broken; I had never experienced such pain, but “knew” it was the right thing to do. Nine years later I can still remember the first day without the comfort of his voice. I was in so much pain that I was literally breathless. I could not breathe! How or why, I asked myself, as I had just met him; also, I had not even had physical contact with him. I cried for hours, days, months and years. But inexplicably I felt, and continue to feel, an inner peace that overpowers any and all sense of loss. I went on with my life...or at least I tried to. I focused on my physical and emotional wellbeing. I read every spiritual/self-help book I could get my hands on, and found temporary comfort... but the emptiness was still there. I kept on walking; attempting to find my true self, but his actions did not make it any easier. Although we had parted ways, he would follow me, call my house (just to hear my voice), and monitor my every move without directly approaching me. Never did he attempt to talk to me directly, and neither did I ever acknowledge to him the fact that I was aware of what he was doing. We were both in pain, but we somehow knew that we had to walk different paths; that journey was painful, but necessary. As my life progressed, so did my soul. “Strange” things started happening to me. After his departure I began sensing things, experiencing unusual incidents, having premonitory dreams, and experiencing unusual patterns of behavior...And then it all made sense to me. I started reading more and more; submerging myself in all things spiritual and emotional. I was transforming myself from an “all rational being” to an “emotional/peaceful/no questions/let it be” person. And it all was making sense. I now understood the conversations he and I would share: his comments about how our lives were intertwined, his constantly saying that I was his and he was mine, and that nothing could break our bond. The comments about “maybe in another life”, “you are my angel” and “I had been searching for you and now I found you”, etc. Yes, now it all makes sense; even the specific/detailed comments about my life, my future etc. Now that I look back, and that I have experienced some of this “visions”, I realize how accurate he was. A failed marriage (after we parted ways), the family problems, the losses, the pain...He had the ability to see what I could not, yet was so discrete; he was careful not to disclose what he knew nor how it is that he knew what he knew (“gift/abilities/skills”). No problem; all is ok. I have no hard feelings. Never had them, and I never will. Hmmm...unusual reaction for a highly analytical person who had always functioned on the basis of “I will treat you the same way you treat me.” Where is he now? I do not know, and I have no idea. However, every day I wish for a happy and fulfilled life for him and his loved ones; where ever he is. Every day I ask that his path is enriched by the light of love and knowledge.
Although I have not had contact with him in the past 9 years, I sense his presence. I feel he is very close. Please do not ask me why, because I can’t explain it. Lately, I dream about him very frequently, and things he used to say unexpectedly pop up in the weirdest places. These past 2 months have been very difficult and unusual; I have been missing him a lot. To make things worse, for some weird reason my ex-husband (who I divorced 3 years ago, and I was only married to for 7 months) called me insisting on the possibility of giving ourselves a second chance (he insists he does not want to lose me). Never say never; but there is no chance for us. After a period of minor stability, I now find myself questioning my path, and the directioof my emotions?” I feel so lost and I constantly find myself asking God and my Angels to help me relieve the pain. I ask them to provide me with the strength and guidance to continue the path I chose. But then I come to the realization that I must have faith, and trust that things happen for a reason, and that he (God) will take me where I need to be. I still love him tenderly, and have an overwhelming need to protect him from harm; I can explain why; but then, there is no need for explanations. I guess that is what they call “Unconditional Love.”

You did the right thing by calling it off. Families are ruined by women who don't care about the first woman in someones life. But I can understand where you are coming from. I was totally in love with a boy that I had known since 3rd grade. I am 26 now and he still enters my dreams and basically pokes me and says "hey don't forget about me". I know it will probably never be a relationship between us, but I can always be wrong. As far as your ex, it sounds like he has ex syndrome. A man gets a divorce because he is tired of the ball and chain feeling, goes out and explores after his divorce and then realized that "hey, i know what I really want now and that is my ex wife back". I can't tell you what choice to make about him, but I think you already know what you are going to do. Good luck to you!

What a total sleazebag for this guy to be fishing around online in chat rooms for a romantic relationship while his wife was pregnant. Gak, gak. Really manipulative for him to get you emotionally on the hook BEFORE he provided the info. that he was married & expecting his first child. Ugly, Ugly, Ugly.

Good for you for ending the relationship. Given how utterly unethically he was to both you & his wife, you might find that a relationship w/ him would be a disaster. Would you want to be treated how he treated his wife???

Originally Posted by BlackWolf

You did the right thing by calling it off. Families are ruined by women who don't care about the first woman in someones life. But I can understand where you are coming from. I was totally in love with a boy that I had known since 3rd grade. I am 26 now and he still enters my dreams and basically pokes me and says "hey don't forget about me". I know it will probably never be a relationship between us, but I can always be wrong. As far as your ex, it sounds like he has ex syndrome. A man gets a divorce because he is tired of the ball and chain feeling, goes out and explores after his divorce and then realized that "hey, i know what I really want now and that is my ex wife back". I can't tell you what choice to make about him, but I think you already know what you are going to do. Good luck to you!

Thank you for the support. I am where I need to be. I have peace, and trust that God will guide me.

Originally Posted by mattie

What a total sleazebag for this guy to be fishing around online in chat rooms for a romantic relationship while his wife was pregnant. Gak, gak. Really manipulative for him to get you emotionally on the hook BEFORE he provided the info. that he was married & expecting his first child. Ugly, Ugly, Ugly.

Good for you for ending the relationship. Given how utterly unethically he was to both you & his wife, you might find that a relationship w/ him would be a disaster. Would you want to be treated how he treated his wife???

I am at peace, and hold no hard feelings. I am where I need to be, and hope that he is in a better place. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Thank you for your input.

A new day....the sun shines, and the path now seems clear.

The Way is THROUGH the dark feelings...... not around them~


This "love" is not Unconditional Love because you would not say "This must be what is called Unconditional Love"........


More a longing for that Deep Union .... the Yoga of the Supreme Being~


Focus ALL your free/available attention on the Supreme Being ..... no matter the name given...... and break up your patterns of thought-feelings in order to make an empty Space..... yes, the Empty feeling has a far deeper purpose! Emptiness is needed for Fullness to enter!

Write down your ideal....... what? ...... what is your ideal state of Being? What do you want more then anything? Do you not want that feeling of LOVE without the feeling of emptiness? Do you not want the Love which no one else can fulfill ...... the True Unconditioned Love which words can only hint at?

It is not found in another nor has the loss of the man ....... ever been it!

It mimics a sense of separation...... a long forgotten memory which is still in YOU~ Waiting for its time to bloom.....

So make room ..... how???

Pause often without filling the Emptiness with anything at all~

Listen deeply for the sound which is no sound yet seems to be heard~

Focus on the breath as you inhale deeply 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 and exhale deeply 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 .... count slowly ~

Master the Art of Pausing......

Master the Art of inner reflection~

Master the Art of not wanting anything except Divine Love~

Then in the moment of Mystery ...... this Love will enter your memory once more~

It will transform your outer life as it unfolds in your inner life~

You are close..... closer then your right hand~

Print this and read it every morning ........ then go through the day letting go ~

Dear Grace,
I believe that I can understand you. I am not to say whether you have done "the right thing" or not - it is for you (and only you) to decide but it does not matter anyway.

Probably the easiest way to live with it is to accept it. Do not try to fight or to deny that I do not think about him. Just let it be.