I Need to Let Some Things Out

[Volaju]

I'm sorry to start fuming, but its been stressing me out and I just have to talk - therapy in words I hope. Lately, I've noticed a change in the air of my family.

I was born into a mixed family, though the majority of us are African American, though we share strong connections to Native American's as well as some other things. To begin with my mother has very strict beliefs and she's been this way since she was young. Despite the fact we are a mixed family - her anger and desires have focused her to find almost any race that isn't African taboo. She'll admit this, she's prejudice against almost every race and considers her own to be far more greater and powerful.

For myself, none of this even comes close to describing me. I can't look at other people's culture's and say they are wrong or not as great as another, or that my own is better. I'm mixed anyways, I have American and Native American and African in me, I don't like using black or white when describing a race - it feels wrong to me. i feel liek I've lived past lives as plenty of other different races, so I embrace other cultures and absolutely with all of my sacred heart love and adore these different aspects of humanity and everything we are - but this doesn't suit well with her.

She constantly puts me down for being 'under-cultured,' or not right in my mind for loving other cultures - she thinks I hate my own heritage which is so far from the truth - she wants me to drop everything else about these cultures and things I learn of and like; just to study African Culture alone and Thrive only int he African culture (which I have, there are things about the culture I love) - which she believes is the only important aspect of my life and when I deny her she attacks me, she makes me out to be some kind of bane on the world as if everything I do and say is wrong. I try so hard not to take it wrong, but sometimes it hurts so much when she tells me I'm ignorant, or that I'm ignoring my culture and letting people brain wash me. I'm already going through enough with all the stress I have on me. I've told her that I'm not like that, that she is mistaking who I am for the things she obsessively reads over and feeds to herself daily on FB and all these sites advocating this stuff.

She outright calls me a Christian and a God lover and that have been brainwashed by religion and culture, and excuse me for this but she also says I'm whitewashed - I don't even really believe in Christianity as I take things from different religions and incorporate them into my own - when I tell her this however, it still isn't enough because its not JUST AFRICAN. I don't act like gang-banger going off destroying lives and stuff, I might smoke a joint here or there but I don't do anything hard like cocaine or crack and ****. What I love isn't what she brands it as, its not a religious teaching from a doctrine of any form. I can't explain to her that it's not just some word of God that I love, that what I love is deeper than any text can explain - its the Universe! It's the heart of all things - but she won't see, I don't know if she can see it. She just calls it nature, but that's not what I mean - encompasses much more than that. She just says that I'm wrong, and that what I should be rejoicing for is the Sun, because its keeping us alive - but its more than just the Sun that instills life into us, I can feel it. Anyf orm of my own Spiritual beliefs just get hammered and branded and tossed away and insulted.

I try so hard not to get mad; which I haven't for years now, and I'm proud of myself because I use to break into a furious rage sometimes when she does these things to me, but it hurts me deep - deep to the core because I feel like she just doesn't understand me. I care about what my mother thinks of me and its not like I take her beliefs and insult them or say they aren't true, I don't say that African religions are silly I just have wider ideals about what they are - yet its never enough and now she judges me because of it, she has set expectations that I've already failed so it feels impossible to make her truly happy within my own power.

It normally doesn't get to me, I could care less when anyone else says it - but I have a very powerful connection with her, she's my mother - I swear I can hear her thoughts sometimes and pick up on her feelings. So I have to, I have to care what she thinks of me - because I have to feel it.

I'm sorry for ranting, I just had to get it out.
Thank you for reading.

I can see how this is very difficult for you, if you have to live with your mother, maybe just keep your views to yourself, you know she isn't going to change hers, so there is no point in arguing. If you want to have relationships you know she doesn't agree with, she doesn't have to know, I don't know how old you are, but I'm sure you won't always have to live with your mother.

Excuse me saying (and your post proves it) you're a writer and a pretty articulate one - write it? (From my own past, I know writing to be a great therapy and diariser of your "passage through life" let's say.)


.....o0o.....

[Volaju]

Thank you so much, I'll have to try that - I love to write - its just something that has always made me happy - that and drawing~

[umbridge]

Dark, I am sorry what you have been gone through.
Please keep that in mind that you are always loved no matter what.

I guess its tough. I keep fighting also with my mother and its seems its does not getting better if I am not trying to be more flexible towards her.
She has always been a great example for me and now when I am older I have realized that she have a lot of issues herself to deal with and I am seeing the world differently then she does.

I also feel that I have telepathic connection with my mother. Maybe its seems awful, but I have thought about many times about cutting energetic cords with my mother. I even once find some information about it. Because as we are sensitive and connected to us, they also can take and use our energy.

Definitely the need that mothers will accept us as we are is important, but as we grow older, we cannot hold into that old beliefs and concepts. Yes, they are maybe from our soul group and soul family and they are always with us, but also we should be honest with ourself. Sooner or later as we grow and evolve in the spiritual world, other people will make us more and more drain, wheter they are our family or not. Some people just cling to their beliefs what they do not want to change.
The key I guess lies in accepting that and trying also to understand them and then gently trying to cut some cords so that they could not feel so connected with us.

Light and peace!

[umbridge]

Originally Posted by primrose

I can see how this is very difficult for you, if you have to live with your mother, maybe just keep your views to yourself, you know she isn't going to change hers, so there is no point in arguing. If you want to have relationships you know she doesn't agree with, she doesn't have to know, I don't know how old you are, but I'm sure you won't always have to live with your mother.

You are very right. I am not talking with my mother any of the spiritual stuff I have gone through. Its hard, but sometimes just for the peace you have to keep things to yourself.

Being understood seems to be paramount as the path can be lonely at times.. Gravitate toward those on a similar path rather than trying to fit a square in a circle, which is futile and just makes for frustration.. I will also add.. I used to get short with people and disown them at a drop of the hat. This is a reaction out frustration and needs to be understood.. We are all at different places sometimes and it is necessary to give things (people, relationships) some space. No need to make rash decisions, just understand this and give it space. Blessings