Mother Issues

[HereAndNow]

I just read the whole thread ... and it made me think that mother-child relationship is probably the most complicated relationship there is. In the beginning these two human beings are almost one being ... at least physically ... and psychologically as well ... then for the next few years the child is almost totally dependent on mother for surviving ... and then in the course of next 10-15 years they both have to (at least ideally) transform their relationship from this symbiotic existence into that of two fully independent and mutually respectful adult beings. No wonder then that this transformation so often fails to some extent. Maybe it almost always fails to some extent.

I've had a very complicated relationship with my mother ... and have been very close many times to completely terminating any contact with her ... at least for some time. Haven't done it for various reasons though ... but we didn't have much contact for 5-6 years when I was in my thirties and lived thousand miles away from her.
But now my mother is ninety years old and very frail ... and living alone ... so I'm often staying with her and helping her with various everyday things. I still have lot of anger towards her ... because of some pretty nasty things she did when I was young ... and which I've never been able to forgive ... but at the same time I know that she really wanted best for me ... although she very often seriously failed. And I've also learnt to appreciate good things I've got from her or thanks to her. She's a warrior and she taught me to be one as well - by fighting with me. It really was a live or die fight sometimes. But I was lucky to survive and this made me pretty strong in some areas ... although most of my life I've been living with some big wounds too.

The Byron Katie clip which iamthat posted is great too ... and indeed .. why do we tell this story to ourselves that our parents MUST be loving, MUST respect us, MUST hear us. And then we get hurt when they are not. While this is just a story ... there is no reason why they HAVE to be this way. Ok, in childhood some of it was really important for our survival ... our parents' care ... but now when we are adults we can let go of this story, and love ourselves and respect ourselves. Which of course is not easy with all the wounds we have. But at the same time - at least for me she's someone who gave birth to me, and who fed and clothed me and basically made so much effort for almost twenty years to help me to grow into a healthy, educated etc adult being ... as much as she was able to. And I think it's only natural from my side to help and support her when she needs this ... as much as I'm able to.
Peace!

[kundalinikid]

well darn, I hoped mine cleared up sooner or later but I'm going down a similar road as you.

I'm not sure I can get through to my mother. I've tried similar things like you. Best solution for me was space.

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by HereAndNow

But at the same time - at least for me she's someone who gave birth to me, and who fed and clothed me and basically made so much effort for almost twenty years to help me to grow into a healthy, educated etc adult being ... as much as she was able to. And I think it's only natural from my side to help and support her when she needs this ... as much as I'm able to.
Peace!

In my book, addressing this very 'point', I wrote:

"Whatever your condition, recognize you wouldn’t even exist if the Life‑Force wasn’t with you in significant measure. Whatever else you may think of it, it was enough to provide you with the positive experiences you have had and sustain you, despite negative ones, till the present point. Take heart and be glad—such wealth and potency is still accessible and at your disposal. Only if and as you appreciate and embrace Life as beneficent opportunity will you be inclined to positively utilize its power."

[Snow Goose]

Really interesting thread Fairy Crystal! I'm shocked that so many here have real family problems but it is warming to know I'm not alone, its very interesting that so many of us find comfort in this forum.

I have had some big family problems so bad that I now don't have any contact with anyone I'm related to except my children. My mother has become a distant memory to me which is where she will stay but one thing I keep coming up against is looking in the mirror, every now and then I see her staring back at me also (this will sound a bit weird) I have the same shaped feet as her and I hate to look at them.

Looking at a comparison birth chart for myself and my mother is very interesting there is no doubt we are both here to challenge each other!

Im not really sure why but I don't feel connected to my family, I never really did, my contact with them up until two years ago was purely through feeling expected to not that I enjoyed or was happy being around them.

[FairyCrystal]

Yes, indeed good to know that you're not the only one, isn't it!
I'm still not in touch with my mother. I feel it is still for the best this way. No meddling, instead peace. Just the thought of having to deal with her again gives me stress.

Physical resemblance... What woman likes to hear she looks like her mother? A mere handful I think that -even when they did get along- wouldn't be annoyed by it.
You can tell I'm her daughter, but not a spitting image.
I never liked my mother's body, even though I haven't a clue as to why these feelings are so strong. Somewhere along the line some form of competition slipped in maybe? I know some mothers do that, feel threatened by their daughter's blossoming bodies and beauty while they only get older.
Or maybe it was just that she wasn't comfortable in her own body, I don't know. I do know she has knocked me a number of times when I put on weight during / after pregnancy. Instead of reassuring me, letting me know she loved me and found me beautiful no matter what, she knocked me in front of friends/colleagues and family.

But I don't hate anything about my body. I don't hate my mother either. It's just sad that it has to be this way.

[Snow Goose]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Yes, indeed good to know that you're not the only one, isn't it!
I'm still not in touch with my mother. I feel it is still for the best this way. No meddling, instead peace. Just the thought of having to deal with her again gives me stress.

Physical resemblance... What woman likes to hear she looks like her mother? A mere handful I think that -even when they did get along- wouldn't be annoyed by it.
You can tell I'm her daughter, but not a spitting image.
I never liked my mother's body, even though I haven't a clue as to why these feelings are so strong. Somewhere along the line some form of competition slipped in maybe? I know some mothers do that, feel threatened by their daughter's blossoming bodies and beauty while they only get older.
Or maybe it was just that she wasn't comfortable in her own body, I don't know. I do know she has knocked me a number of times when I put on weight during / after pregnancy. Instead of reassuring me, letting me know she loved me and found me beautiful no matter what, she knocked me in front of friends/colleagues and family.

But I don't hate anything about my body. I don't hate my mother either. It's just sad that it has to be this way.

I shouldn't have used the word hate to describe my feet that's really not true!

Yes many mothers get jealous of their daughters, have you ever heard of the Irish mothers that would put their beautiful daughters into service as nuns? Truely heartbreaking :-(

There is definitely some kind of jealously issue women in general carry around with them, maybe it's some deep down instinct about attracting mates, but I know I don't like being around groups of women and I have heard of many other women who are the same.

I feel much more comfortable around males, feel like I can be myself, though saying that I struggle to be around some gay men too. Being more comfortable around men is even more interesting because I was brought up by a real man hater, to the extent that they even disliked the male children in the family.

I don't like to generalise I'm just trying to explain a phenomenon I have discovered in my own life

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by Snow Goose

There is definitely some kind of jealously issue women in general carry around with them, ...

In my experience many indeed have such an 'issue', but you do 'women' in general a disservice by generalizing so, methinks.

Not that it isn't true about the 'women' you have been around, but I think/submit that the proportions of any given category (subgroup) of people who are caught up in such and other kinds of 'pettiness' are pretty much the same. This applies to 'men' as a category as well, though it may show up as "if you 'win', I 'lose'" competitiveness in different ways in relation to different categories of people (ask any 'black' man ) who they find (or don't find) categorically 'threatening'.

[Snow Goose]

Originally Posted by davidsun

In my experience many indeed have such an 'issue', but you do 'women' in general a disservice by generalizing so, methinks.

Not that it isn't true about the 'women' you have been around, but I think/submit that the proportions of any given category (subgroup) of people who are caught up in such and other kinds of 'pettiness' are pretty much the same. This applies to 'men' as a category as well, though it may show up as "if you 'win', I 'lose'" competitiveness in different ways in relation to different categories of people (ask any 'black' man ) who they find (or don't find) categorically 'threatening'.

Definitely David, I did say that I hate to generalise I was just trying to explain my experience. I also mentioned that I know of many women feel the way I feel.

Yip men like to be competitive although they know how to cooperate - but again I'm generalising ;-)

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by Snow Goose

Definitely David, I did say that I hate to generalise I was just trying to explain my experience. I also mentioned that I know of many women feel the way I feel.

Yip men like to be competitive although they know how to cooperate - but again I'm generalising ;-)

Yes, I 'sensed' your view was 'broader'. Sorry, my 'get on my soap-box' impulse got triggered. I thought of acknowledging that by adding a 'side' comment in that regard, but words to that effect just didn't come to me at the time so I just let what I said stand as is.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Snow Goose

I shouldn't have used the word hate to describe my feet that's really not true!

Yes many mothers get jealous of their daughters, have you ever heard of the Irish mothers that would put their beautiful daughters into service as nuns? Truely heartbreaking :-(

There is definitely some kind of jealously issue women in general carry around with them, maybe it's some deep down instinct about attracting mates, but I know I don't like being around groups of women and I have heard of many other women who are the same.

I feel much more comfortable around males, feel like I can be myself, though saying that I struggle to be around some gay men too. Being more comfortable around men is even more interesting because I was brought up by a real man hater, to the extent that they even disliked the male children in the family.

I don't like to generalise I'm just trying to explain a phenomenon I have discovered in my own life

I've got a similar thing, although these days it's getting less, due to having another caliber of women in my circle. Plus, I don't work, so i don't have to deal with female colleagues anymore either. Mind you, some were great fun, but I've found that women can be horribly backstabbing, jealous and competitive creatures. I think women tend to be more competitive than men, grin.
Mostly cos women aren't empowered in their femininity and are affected by an imbalanced animus (wounded inner masculine).
I used to work in hospital in my 30s for a few years. Worst place ever! I always thought that would be warm and welcoming, sisterly. The opposite is true. The backlash and backstabbing was horrific.
Also when dealing with a female boss/manager it's much more difficult than with a male one. Often these women have grown thick skin, they didn't have much choice, had to get tough to make it in a men´s world and obtain and hold on to a higher position.
Again, not always, but oftentimes these women are very unpleasant.
With a man you don't have these problems. There's always the man-woman vibe, even when you aren't sexually interested. It's just different, and often much easier.
Another example... often when I go to the pub on my own, I get all these women glaring at me. Why on earth I don't know. I don't flirt, I'm not trying to steal their man or get attention of a man they're possibly interested in or anything. I'm not after any man for that matter, I'm more than happy with my own man. I'm just there to enjoy myself, the band, that's it. Yet, I get that ****, from both single and involved women.
I know I'm from Venus, but even I don't always understand other Venusians, haha.
A lot of women are still to stuck in masculine energy, crying shame as the Divine feminine is about supporting each other, being as one, sisters, not competitors.
Thank goodness there are women who are like that, strong enough in their femininity that they can embrace another woman without feeling threatened.
But as long as the world evolves around success, achievement, competition, power, status etc. (all masculine qualities) I guess women will have to struggle to find their own feminine way.