Mother Issues

[Nature Grows]

I don't really get along with her that well, it makes me sad sometimes because when i was a child we were good friends, i think as i grew up i didn't meet her expectations or i have disappointed her to much i don't know really but now she just kinda seems like a stranger to me. I still talk to her its unpleasant most of the time but i remember all the nice things from the past and i still love her.

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Anywho, to repeat my question: anyone managed to successfully let go of 'mummy issues'?

Oh i didn't see your question, no not yet but i have not really felt like its something i have to figure out, iv tried to do things to make her happy with me sometimes she is, it normally doesn't last long though, Im not to concerned but sometimes i do catch myself seeking her approval of things or im trying to show her what iv done, something like that.

[PhoenixNine]

Yes, my mother definitely fits the narc bill....critical, always wanted me to be something other than I am (to be like her), and a drama queen if things don't go her way...watch out! She puts on a good face to other people like she's sooo sweet, then treats her daughter like ****...

I am working to get her out of my life completely b/c she will never change...this is sure...but it's hard b/c she is always there when other family (my sister-which she loves/is perfect) her kids (perfect) and her husband (perfection!)...It is hard to be around all that attitude and still enjoy my family....luckily I have my Dad's side...and a step-mom that is more loving than my mother ever was to me...she is actually sane and a great person. Thank God.

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you for all your open-hearted stories!
It's really good to know that I'm not the only one who wants/likes to/or has cut their mother out of their lives.
I still feel slightly guilty about it, esp because I know my kids don't fully understand. As I've (also) been with a NPD partner for a long time when they were teens, they've been exposed to a lot of negativity about me.
I read in a book that an NPD tends to divide his family in two: Those who see through him and are against him so to speak, and those who are with him, in his camp.
My daughter and stepson -who became her boyfriend for some 3 yrs- were with him and thus against me. Exposed to a lot of anti-me stuff.
My son and I both saw through him and we both got a lot of **** from him. He tried to set me up against my son, I didn't fall for that one.
So now me and my son are okay. But my daughter is another story. I feel with her the anti-Crystal campaign from ex became sort of ingrained.
She still tends to be anti-me and I'm afraid she'll side with my mother. I should let go of that fear, but I'm still quite vulnerable when it comes to critique from her.
My girl moved to the US a few years back, but she's coming over for holiday this summer and will visit my mother too. I encourage her doing that, it's her grandmother, but I still dread how it will effect her.

Family... always good for drama, isn't it.

[starnight1]

Fairycystal, I m also in similar shoes, very muddy and tough life to deal daily, on my own healing journey same time. maybe that's why i quickly see/feel what's going on there.
but i feel your vibration is coming to a level that let u finally meet your soulmate now.
and this soulmate relationship can help a lot on this journey, let his masculine energy strength your feminine energy to a new level, u will be stronger and wiser. u will learn more with more new experiences in your life.
handle this new relationship in a good and carefully .
sending good energy to u and your beloved.

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you, Starnight. Indeed the man in my life is a great support

[Pagandell]

Thanks to every one who contributed to this thread, It was very informative and helpful, as I also have a problem with my mother

[SeaZen]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

SeaZen, thank you for your feedback :) And yes, that analogy is a good one!
For me it's mostly the last bits and pieces of it all. I'm not angry at my mother, she is the way she is, she's not going to change, and that's okay.
The biggest problem I'm facing is that because of her claiming and manipulative behaviour, has in a way robbed me from being able to be me, to develop as the real me. In short I think you could say my right to personal freedom was taken from me.
Now this was not the case all of the time of course. But it is the overall tendency. I also know my mother isn't a bad person, she truly means well, she is totally unaware of what she's done/doing to me. I also have quite clear why she behaves this way, to do with her own childhood and mother. And that makes it all very understandable. Yet, that doesn't make it right that I have to be victim of that. As it is her choice to not work on her issues (I really don't think she even sees them) it is my choice to not put up with it anymore, and thus re-claim my own space.
For me this is really difficult. I've been trained in a way by all kinds of events in my life to feel as if I don't have the right to personal space, freedom of choice. Of course that goes hand in hand with developing low self-esteem at a young age.
ANd the fact that I know she's not a bad person made it more difficult, because it made me feel guilty whenever I said "no". My NPD ex added to all that, same sort of thing, although from him I got direct abuse, every type of abuse you can think of.
I've already healed a lot, worked through much, but these last bits and pieces are quite tough. Dealing with the feelings of guilt is especially hard. The old rut and conviction that I haven't the right to choose for me, to say "no", seems to be deeply ingrained. So much so that I sometimes ain't even aware that I'm falling for it again, hihi. But I'm getting better at catching it.

I don't see myself as a victim btw. I'm a happy positive person, I work on myself, always have, always will. That's part of who I am. I don't blame anyone, not my mother, not my NPD ex. As a matter of fact I'm grateful for the relationship I had with him, even though it was kinda hell on earth. But it made me grow and made me stronger. I can now be happy and positive because of that experience.
If I hadn't been with him, I now wouldn't have been ready to clear these 'mother issues' either. Cos those are truly the deeper layers, logical as mommy is the first person that's real close to you in life.

I have indeed asked for help with this, and am getting it somewhere in July. Not a counselor. I'm not into counseling, not my thing and not what I need. But coaching I can totally work with.

Thank you for your feedback, appreciate it! And I will sure remember that analogy, it's great!

Your welcome! From what you explained it sounds like you have issues with creating boundaries. It sounds like your mother interfered in your life and decision making so much that you had difficulty establishing your own preferences, individuality and decision making. The best thing in this case is to create the boundaries, make decisions etc. You may wish to reconsider counseling but if not mention that to your life coach. Counselors can be coaches and have a coaching orientation too.

[FairyCrystal]

I have indeed always had difficulties with boundaries. When with my ex, my best friend told me to have healthy boundaries, and I found myself thinking "Boundaries?? What are boundaries? What does that mean?"
I hadn't a clue, never thought of it, and I was 38-ish at the time, hihi. Then I started to think about it, and found it really difficult to say "This and no further" because I had always been more like "If you want that, I'm good." I basically went with another's boundaries, even when it didn't feel good to me.
I've come a long way since, but with some people -like my mother- it is still difficult as she just doesn't respect my boundaries, kicks against them when she doesn't get her way. I don't even think she is aware of that, she just gets upset for not getting her way, feels I mistreat her. Next she turns it all around, telling me I'm a bad daughter (she's literally said that to my face), often accompanied with lots of tears to show just how bad a person I am.
Hard to not feel guilty then, even when I know I am not wrong.

Somehow I ended up in a similar thing with my daughter. Me feeling guilty for having let her down and from that guilt feeling I have to do whatever to make her happy.
I do not have this problem with my son, not at all.
But I'll get a chance to change that when she comes over for holiday in July & August. Looking forward to seeing her, but not looking forward to having to address this issue at some point. Since she's coming over for almost 2 months (not staying at my place btw) it is bound to come up at some point.
I guess the Cosmos orchestrated this all to come up at the right time for me, and offering me the chance to learn and grow, as my daughter wasn't supposed to come over at all this summer. Now she does, and I suddenly have to face yet another 'boundary and guilt' issue, shortly after I've sort of dealt with my mother. Kind of ironic, apparently I'm not allowed/supposed to let it rest

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Pagandell

Thanks to every one who contributed to this thread, It was very informative and helpful, as I also have a problem with my mother

I'm also glad There were so many reactions! Helped me a lot too.
And it is quite shocking to see just how many people have problems with their mother.

[SeaZen]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

II basically went with another's boundaries, even when it didn't feel good to me.
I've come a long way since, but with some people -like my mother- it is still difficult as she just doesn't respect my boundaries, kicks against them when she doesn't get her way.

Its not about your mother (or others) respecting your boundaries. Its about you respecting your own boundaries when others cross them and then acting in your best interest when they are croseed. Its not about changing or persuading others. Thats where the coach or professional or whatever comes in. They can help you with strategies etc. or you can do your own research and thinking about it or both. I wish you well!