can't take it anymore

Ever since I was 15 i suffered and suffered. There was a point where I held A Pistol to my head ready to pull the trigger. When will all of this suffering be over. Everytime I get better, something happens. I know what you resist persists. I know. I figured out my spiritual truth. Yet more suffering. I can't take it anymore. It's killing me slowly. I feel happy and jolly in the morning, yet in the evenings I feel fear at it's most intense level. I try and try. I learn and learn. I've learned so much I use it to help others so they don't have to suffer. When is there an end. When ones found Himself spiritually, has felt the bliss, the joy, the peace. how much more suffering must someone endure? If my brain and body is happy part of the day and suffering tremendiously every evening. Every day. For almost 6 years. I've had enough suffering. I can't take it anymore. Maybe my life purpose is complete. But I don't want to live in this body anymore with this suffering. It's not minor suffering. It's fear at it's most intense level. It's the worst feeling anyone ever have to endure. My whole body feels horrible. I just got done crying. But I choose to depart from this body pretty soon. If this suffering keeps persisting, then I'm done with it. I've learned a lot. I just can't take it anymore. Everyday for almost 6 years. It really beats you down. I try to keep a smile and stay positive. In the past 8 months there has been two full weeks of feeling stable. That's it. I feel normal in the mornings and fear at an intense level in the evenings. That's not a life I want or choose to live. I'm going to be 22 in August. I'm just can not grasp the idea of ANY more pain. I used to have PTSD from a childhood experience. I used to have Sever Anxiety, Depression, Tourettes. I've had more experience on the suffering side than any full grown man I know. And the joyful side. It's like the ying yang. I really look at it all now. I suffered bad today. I'm wondering now if it will ever end. But I'll tell you this, I'm not waiting any longer than another 6 months. If it persists. Then By By goes Moke. I just can't take it anymore. All what I do is put good out in this world. In return a recieve a free computer and suffering. I always suffer. It's like once I've learned how to get past a problem, there goes my 4 stable days. Then a new or same old old patterns repeat. I get intrusive thoughts and it drives me nuts. I want to return to my maker. I surrender. It works, then something else happens. It's a repetitive pattern. And I don't know how to stop it. I even surrender yet I still have that very uncomfortable feeling in my body. The most negative feeling I've ever felt. So it's not true peace. I Take my Anxiety medication which helps, but not enough. I take my heart medication which makes the fight or flight responce go away. It still persists. I just want to know when it all ends. I do surrender. I have OCD. Somehow someway once I'm already past a subconscious block it somehow appears again. I've been a trooper. All I've been through in the past 6 months 8 months. I just need some hope. I am so desperate to feel better in the evenings. I just fear that during the midst of it, one day I make that decision that I can't take it anymore and I take my heart medication to end it all. I've been to hell and back several times. I do all I can. I keep a positive attitude. I try everything. I can't take it anymore. Someone help please.

[Silver]

I'm really really sorry you feel this way moke. I have a son who may have committed suicide although the official thing is accidental plus some other medical issues all contributing. I can only ask, off the bat, if you've shared these feelings with the professional who has prescribed your anxiety and other meds. We've had quite a few members of this forum who have felt like they're at the end of their ropes, so all I can say is you're not alone in these feelings. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, ok? I don't know what alternative docs do for people with the mood swings etc. you seem to be experiencing. Have you tried alternative docs or done any research about alternatives?

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this pain, Moke. Never forget that you are worthy and loved - people care about you, even if they can't understand what you are going through. I hope I don't sound trite saying that - I really do mean it.

I second Silvergirl's advice about your medication. Also, are you alone in the evenings? If you are feeling so unsettled and anxious, could you try listening to music - whatever calms, relaxes, uplifts you, whatever? The right music can be incredibly therapeutic. I put my earphones on and lose myself in it when I need to - just forget about everything. I once had to have surgery on my ankle after breaking it - the surgeon drilled into the bones and fixed a metal plate and screws into them. I was numbed from waist down; and usually they give sedation to keep you calm, but I took my MP3 player into the theatre instead and listened to my favourite music instead. I didn't need any sedative, although it was available. I mean, that's how powerful music can be.

You deserve to feel happy just the same as anybody else. Whatever it takes to rid you of these awful thoughts and feelings, is okay. I can read in your post that you're finding it very hard to overcome this just now, but please keep at it - speak to your therapist; don't let go of it until your healthcare team find the right regime to help you. You're entitled to feel "normal", or "right".

Please take care, and keep posting.

Yes, I second everything that Tabitha and Silvergirl have said.

I just want to know when it all ends. I do surrender. I have OCD. Somehow someway once I'm already past a subconscious block it somehow appears again. I've been a trooper. All I've been through in the past 6 months 8 months. I just need some hope. I am so desperate to feel better in the evenings. I just fear that during the midst of it, one day I make that decision that I can't take it anymore and I take my heart medication to end it all. I've been to hell and back several times. I do all I can. I keep a positive attitude. I try everything. I can't take it anymore. Someone help please.

Please know that the greatest challenges are given to those whose spirit can cope with them. You don't know yet why you're suffering, but you may realize that your suffering was necessary and noble (please believe me!). I know it feels like you can't endure another night, but you can.

I felt the way you do as I was delivering each baby...I thought to myself "I can't, I just can't!", but as it turned out, I could, and so can you!

You have so much wisdom to offer, I've read some of your contributions and gained much from them, so thanks!

You're only 22, with so much life ahead of you. I've seen people overcome OCD as they've gotten older (these are people I've known personally, not just heard of), so please keep that in mind when you feel like your compulsions are disabling.

Also, I would continue to seek to find that person/persons who can touch and heal your heart.

I spent hours with someone recently and though I wanted so much to help her, I could not...I learned a month or so later that she found someone who could help her. My gratitude to that person is endless.........

So, whatever you do, don't give up and know that there are people who care deeply about you!

[Spiritlite]

Moke I don't know what to say although I understand your fear. I had it badly years ago I would have the opposite where I would wake up in total fear, sweating, crying, heart pounding and I would loose jobs because I couldn't find the courage to go to work. As I've grown older, and have learnt how to try to deal with it on my own (and with the help of medications which I don't like to admit but they do help me), I've grown "accustomed" to it in a way. Yes I still get depressed and full of fear at times but I now am older, and know how to handle it. I'm 36 and when I started with this fear I was 22. It has taken years and I don't want to sound glib but you have to figure out a way to handle this and I know you will. I know you will find a way. You yourself said anything in pain is energy stuck, and so is there a way you can move that energy within you? I feel you're so full of energy and that you're such an empath that you take on a lot of other's energy. Is there a way you can do something that will help move the energy in your body such as Chi or Yoga? I was practicing Chi (I think it's call Chi) and I noticed such a difference in my anxiety level.
I'm with you, I know how you feel.
xoxo
Spiritlite.

I'm sorry about posting this thread. I learned something new for the rest of you that suffer, that can bring you peace during the midst of it. Know it will pass. It always does. Now I think I've learned how to find peace during these episodes. So that's what I've learned that is new based on yesterdays experience to help others. I wrote this thread in the midst of it. Not like me. Everyone goes through there ups and downs, the key is to learn how to find peace during it. I think I've found it. Plus My neighbor is a Doctor, Physicist and Chemist. I Live in Texas, and the medications I take are only mean't for a max heat around 86 degrees. It's been above a 100 degrees during the day. The medications prevent my body from cooling down. So I was overheated and my body wasn't naturally cooling down. It explains everything. Thats why I feel at my best until around 3 o clock. It gets hotter in the afternoon. I've also learned that sometimes based on how you feel. You should take a logical approach to finding a solution. For me the problem is physiological. It was out of my control. My body temp is too high and not cooling down. Which will cause a false fear response. Let me tell everyone this. For every resistance of the mind there is negativity, yet everyone needs a certain amount of resistance to grow mentally. That's why I say use positive and negative experiences to your advantage. You'll always grow stronger once your past your down periods. I thank you for your guys help. I feel fine now. All the symptoms I feel are a physiological response. I'm not resisting anything. It's out of my control. Knowing that. I can find peace during an episode. Sometimes the helpers are the ones that go through hard times to gain experience to help others. I love you all. Thank you.

Originally Posted by moke64916

Ever since I was 15 i suffered and suffered. There was a point where I held A Pistol to my head ready to pull the trigger. When will all of this suffering be over. Everytime I get better, something happens. I know what you resist persists. I know. I figured out my spiritual truth. Yet more suffering. I can't take it anymore. It's killing me slowly. I feel happy and jolly in the morning, yet in the evenings I feel fear at it's most intense level. I try and try. I learn and learn. I've learned so much I use it to help others so they don't have to suffer. When is there an end. When ones found Himself spiritually, has felt the bliss, the joy, the peace. how much more suffering must someone endure? If my brain and body is happy part of the day and suffering tremendiously every evening. Every day. For almost 6 years. I've had enough suffering. I can't take it anymore. Maybe my life purpose is complete. But I don't want to live in this body anymore with this suffering. It's not minor suffering. It's fear at it's most intense level. It's the worst feeling anyone ever have to endure. My whole body feels horrible. I just got done crying. But I choose to depart from this body pretty soon. If this suffering keeps persisting, then I'm done with it. I've learned a lot. I just can't take it anymore. Everyday for almost 6 years. It really beats you down. I try to keep a smile and stay positive. In the past 8 months there has been two full weeks of feeling stable. That's it. I feel normal in the mornings and fear at an intense level in the evenings. That's not a life I want or choose to live. I'm going to be 22 in August. I'm just can not grasp the idea of ANY more pain. I used to have PTSD from a childhood experience. I used to have Sever Anxiety, Depression, Tourettes. I've had more experience on the suffering side than any full grown man I know. And the joyful side. It's like the ying yang. I really look at it all now. I suffered bad today. I'm wondering now if it will ever end. But I'll tell you this, I'm not waiting any longer than another 6 months. If it persists. Then By By goes Moke. I just can't take it anymore. All what I do is put good out in this world. In return a recieve a free computer and suffering. I always suffer. It's like once I've learned how to get past a problem, there goes my 4 stable days. Then a new or same old old patterns repeat. I get intrusive thoughts and it drives me nuts. I want to return to my maker. I surrender. It works, then something else happens. It's a repetitive pattern. And I don't know how to stop it. I even surrender yet I still have that very uncomfortable feeling in my body. The most negative feeling I've ever felt. So it's not true peace. I Take my Anxiety medication which helps, but not enough. I take my heart medication which makes the fight or flight responce go away. It still persists. I just want to know when it all ends. I do surrender. I have OCD. Somehow someway once I'm already past a subconscious block it somehow appears again. I've been a trooper. All I've been through in the past 6 months 8 months. I just need some hope. I am so desperate to feel better in the evenings. I just fear that during the midst of it, one day I make that decision that I can't take it anymore and I take my heart medication to end it all. I've been to hell and back several times. I do all I can. I keep a positive attitude. I try everything. I can't take it anymore. Someone help please.

Do ... prayers everytime.

You are a valuable person and very important for ME.

_/\_
Chinu

Hi Moke,

I'm so glad you're feeling more cheerful and in control now, and are working out a solution. Excessive heat can make anybody feel flustered and fretful, never mind having the exacerbating effect of medication on top of that. I take it you have fans going in the room when it's as hot as this, if not air conditioning? Also, keep a flannel soaked in cold tap/faucet water to hand to mop yourself with. Another great tip - it really works - is to hold your inner wrists under cold running tap/faucet water for a few minutes - it really does cool your blood as it flows, and so makes you feel cooler all over. Obviously you don't want to be standing at the sink or washbasin all day, just when you start to feel really overcome with the heat.

Look after yourself.

Hello moke...we haven't spoken before but I'm avidly reading all your posts, which are really helpful and encouraging. It can be a difficult path for all of us at times, I know it is for me. As you have said, all things pass, and this is so true. I've been feeling a bit fragile for a few days and, this morning I randomly opened up my copy of I Am That (Nisargadatta) and found this:

"Do understand that you are destined for enlightenment...allow it to fulfil itself"

With love

[psychoslice]

Hi Moke, is there any way that you can take you medication later in the day so that when it kicks in it will be cooler for you, just a thought.