For those falling apart, suffocating from the pain, hopeless and broken <LONG>

[july14]

For a whole year I was a massive open wound with the smallest breeze feeling like salt on the fresh cut. I was in so much pain, I wished every day I was dead.

By the second year I was dying only once every other week or so.

By the 3rd year (ongoing) I started on and off noticing other men. Nothing extra, but I did start having intimate thoughts about other men.

Couple weeks ago I got pulled in by the energy of this man and for the time I was actually feeling something for someone new. Then he went silent, with a short note that he had some emergency to take care off. My lifelong pain/fear of abandonment got triggered and hit in in full vengeance. I hit a new low this weekend, with a rage of self hatred I never experienced before.

And now I’m sitting here and writing with a pretty stable state of mind the following conclusions.
1. There’s no solution that fits all. Some get over pain by distracting themselves from the source of their pain. Others (like me) need to experience the full weight of the pain before having a chance to move on from it. Figure out what works for you and remind yourself every day if you have to (even if it takes postits on your wall) that IT WILL GET BETTER
2. If you don’t deny yourself the learning pain brings you, time does heal. Not because you get numb, but because you integrate the experience in your energy particles, and with time that gives you the ability of seeing things in a new perspective
3. As upset as I am with the happenings with this new guy, I had a bunch of learnings this weekend. One is a view of myself in my absolute worse thus far, and being able to stand up from that. Another is realising I had to be more understanding towards myself. Third is that I must start assessing my life based on my own responses to things and people, rather then making it dependent on other people loving or not loving me as I expect them to . Lastly, on this guy’s profile there was a question : “do you have an ex you would really want to date again?” After chewing on this question for a couple days, I realised the answer was no. I don’t want or need him (my so called twin) anymore. And not because I’m afraid, or I found a replacement. For the first time in 3 years I just don’t care, simply because I finally feel the experience having been a lesson, rather than a punishment, or a conviction to a life of misery unless he came back to me.

Its been a long journey - the 30+ years before him and the 3 years since him - but I finally took a piece of paper yesterday and wrote down “ I’m ready for love, and ready for him. The one that is there somewhere for me”.
If you can, try and step away a bit from this expectation on what boxes you need to tick before you are deserving of love. Such a HUGE pressure we put on each other and ourselves every time we say we must do this, we must do that, we must love ourselves before others can love us. Etc etc. It is true, we must love ourselves before we can allow another to love us. The catch is here. We are loved even when we don’t love ourselves, its just we are so blinded by our own pain, that we don’t notice that love. The other catch is, loving ourselves is understanding that there’s no such thing as all boxes being ticked off. Being ready doesn’t equal to being perfect. Because being perfect is not an outside measurement to use as a benchmark, but a realisation that we have that perfection already in ourselves. You know those couples who say they’ll have kids once they have enough money? Thing is, you are never ready to have kids until you’ve had them. And once you’ve had them, you will shape your life in a way that you have the finances to support your new family.

Its the same thing.

Reverse the questions currently paralysing your mind.
Instead of why is he/she not loving me, ask, what makes me look outside for confirmation that I am deserving of love?
Instead of why is he lying to me, ask yourself what are the things you lie about to yourself.

And lastly, here’s the biggest lie (from my experience) we tell ourselves and each other: you have to be something, you have to measure up to some expectations or to behave in a certain way to deserve love. And if you don’t, you either won’t experience love, or you will have poor relationships, instead of the ones your heart desires. What else could you experience, when you are just not enough?

What if you didn’t have to be anything you are not? What if by being just who and what you are, you would be exactly what someone would be looking for? The sweet you, the smart you, the crazy you, the you that also experiences anger, envy, jealousy, frustration….insert all and every other human emotion available on earth :) And by being this unique soup that you are, enjoying all your flavours and spices, you would draw in the perfect person for you? The one that is not looking for a saltier, sweeter, spicier soup, but your soup.

ps: if you have the means, do an NLP course. the most eye opening training course I ever took.

[A human Being]

Wonderful, wise post, and I'm glad you appear to be in a better place now :)

Just on point one, about some people needing to distract themselves in order to get over the pain - I'm not sure, I think at some point it's appropriate to distract ourselves but that eventually we will have to face the pain head-on if we're truly to be free of it.

I could be wrong, mind, I don't know. I feel it's necessary in my case, at any rate.

[Exiled]

Well said, july14.

[jro5139]

I think you are dead on in all your conclusions. The only thing I will say is getting over the lower emotions is a good thing to work through, however you do it. Jealousy, for example, is a lower emotion and when you don't have it, life is so much better. Other lower emotions apply, but that's not to say it has to stop us from experiencing relationships. I learned to have no jealousy because of the person I call my tf, but I would say it is something to do for yourself, and not anybody else. Same, big time, with anger.

Trust me, when you learn to live without emotions like these, your life becomes so much fun you don't care if others want to participate or not.

And A Human Being, I agree with that too.