Am I being selfish?

[astralsuzy]

I am looking for advice. My mother looks after my father who has Alzheimers. My mother is not coping. She gets stressed and as a result she gets health problems. When she goes away on a cruise for a couple of weeks her health is very good. When she gets home her health deteriorates. My parents stay home and refuse to go out anywhere except to go out shopping. They watch TV and they fall asleep. Later on about 5.00 pm they have biscuits with cheese and an alcoholic drink and they fall asleep. They go to bed at 8.30 pm. My father calls out in the middle of the night keeping my mother awake. I have talked to my parents that they must change their lifestyle as they are getting too much sleep and that is why dad is getting out of bed early. They will not change their routine. My mother has finally accepted getting respite for my father. He has not had respite yet. My brother thinks he has come up with a great idea. He wants my father to stay at his place for a few days, my other brother's place for a few days and my place for a few days. I do not mean to sound selfish but I do not want to do it. I work Monday to Friday. My husband also works. My brother said I can have my father on Friday nights and take him home on Sunday. It will happen about once every three weeks. I visit my parents every Saturday afternoon. My brother wanted me to just take dad out when I see them on Saturdays to give my mother a break. I said no, I will take both mum and dad out not just dad. My mother feels happy when she sees me and she says that she feels better when she is with me. My brother currently takes my father out every Thursday and my other brother takes my father out on Mondays for the day. It has not helped my mother's health. She said it has not helped. She did things to enjoy herself but she still is not well. She has seen the doctor a lot and has been on medication. My mother said the medication made her worse or it did not do any good so she stopped taking it. She has been checked out at the hospital and there is nothing wrong with her. What do you think? Am I being selfish?

[astralsuzy]

I am going to ring the Alzheimer association for their advice. I do not think it is a good idea as it could be a safety issue if my father stayed at our place. We have stairs and our backyard would not be stable for him. He has had falls at his place. In respite they have safety things in place.

[Spectral1212]

Having dealt with this type of thing with no sibling help at all, I want to say that you are not selfish. Based on everything you said, it sounds like you have thought through everything and you have true loving feelings for both of your parents. You have both their best interests at heart. Working all week and then being asked to give up your weekends for something that huge is a big deal, regardless of what your brothers may say. You will definitely figure it all out but don't waste any time or energy thinking that you are selfish because you have to preserve your own sanity and health. If you don't, no one will benefit. I feel for you, taking care of an aging parent with health issues is an extremely difficult experience. Best of luck!

I agree with Spectral1212. Helping and charity are fine as long as they don't run the helper down. If you become drained you'll eventually lose the attention you can afford the man, perhaps your patience. If it ultimately affects your health (as so often it does when someone becomes stressed) you'll be looking for ways out. So probably best to make your views plain now. It may not be easy but take courage. You can't be expected to hold down a full-time job then give up the weekends, plus the worry of what's happening when you're at work.

Calling the Association is a good idea. They may be able to advise about "professional" assistance.

Best wishes with it.

[astralsuzy]

Thank you both very much for your advice. You have helped a lot. You made me feel a lot better. I will get advice from the Association. It will be interesting to hear what they have to say. I think they will probably say that respite is the way to go. They have trained staff looking after these people. They also have door locks so they cannot wonder away from the building. When I get the advice from the Association then I will gently let my brother and sister in law know that it is not a good idea. One of the main reasons is we have a two level house. You have to go up a lot of stairs to get to the bedrooms. If my father stayed at our house I would be putting him at risk. There would be a high chance of him falling down the stairs. He is unsteady on his feet. He could end up in hospital or it could be fatal if he hit his head. He is likely to get out of bed early hours of the morning and I would not be able to help him as I could be sleeping.

[Tobi]

Actually you know, astralsuzy, I have direct experience with this sort of situation. My mother didn't have Alzheimers but had advanced Dementia which is similar.

The one thing I wonder about is how good are these changes of environments for your Dad anyway? It's only my own opinion, but it seems my mother did better with the same old 'boring' routine, in the same old 'boring' environment. Sudden shifts and changes could make her anxious.
Another thing is whoever is looking after your Dad will have to keep their eyes on him 24/7. Literally -every minute. If he is prescribed sleeping medication and it works, then there may be a few hours respite from the constant observation.
I don't know how your brothers are fixed, or how you could cope with living like that. It's okay to say you are not working at weekend, so could afford the time. But I don't know how hard you have to work during the week, or your hours. You would need some time at the weekend for your own family....
But at the same time, it's very tough at times like this. My own brother gave everything he'd got (he lived in the same house as my mum.) I could only visit every few weeks for 2 weeks at a time, while he went away. I felt selfish too. But the way my brother had arranged the house, there was nowhere for me to sleep if he was there also! So I couldn't move in there.
I talked to my brother about me and the dog making a little 'den' in the garden shed. I wouldn't have minded that. He wouldn't hear of it, for fear of what the neighbours might think! LOL

My mother smoked, and the one most dangerous thing that could happen was that she would suddenly try to make some sort of flame to light her cigarette....or to turn on the gas stove! My brother and I had to fix a strong steel plate over the top of the gas stove. My little frail mother aged nearly 90 could lift that steel plate and anything put on top to weight it.....
So the plate had to be fixed in a way so she couldn't undo it.
There were other dangers too. Night times were dangerous. I felt 'selfish' for falling asleep. I'd grab 4-5 hours then dash downstairs to find her dressed and asleep half out of bed. I'd haul her back into bed, give her a kiss, tell her to "stay there and wait", then grab 2 more hours sleep....etc.

My honest opinion is that your Dad might be better off where he is. At home.
Obviously I don't know your family's financial situation, and maybe you should keep that private, but if there's any way to get any 'respite care' into the home, that may be a good thing. If you can all afford it -get it. Even if it's only for a few days a week. If your Dad has some one sitting in with him, it would free up your mother to maybe spend some time relaxing with you?

Is there an Alzheimer's charity which may provide respite care -or your local social services?

Calling the Alzheimer association for advice sounds like a wise move.

[astralsuzy]

Thanks Tobi for your advice. My parents are well off and they can afford to get respite. It is subsidized by the Government. My mother is just starting to accept getting help. Tonight I will gently tell my brother that I do not think it is a good idea my father staying here. I will outline the concerns. I will try to be as tactful as I can.

My heart goes out to you astralsuzy. It is a difficult time for all, especially when you witness a decline in health and wellbeing in not just for one parent but both. I hope the Alzheimers association was helpful and also the talk you had with your brother.

[Belle]

That's a difficult one. When dad was sick with dementia it was heartbreaking and whilst I wanted to do everything under the sun for him that money could buy, actually doing something personal was so hard as I always found a reason not to. Sure I visited more than was good for me I think. But dementia is a confusing illness and who knows what goes on in someone else's mind but I think you are absolutely right to say no. It would be more confusing for your father being at one place and then another and exhausting for your family. It's important to look after your selves so you can be in a strong place to support.

[astralsuzy]

Thanks Octy and Belle. My family feel sorry for my father. I feel sad to see my father being upset. He was saying mum does not want him and he was crying.My brother took him to his house for five days. I was told my brother did not sleep as my father was getting up a lot during the night to go to the toilet. I cannot see how this arrangement can continue. My brother has his own business and works full time. He gets to choose his own hours. He is getting married next Saturday. My brother is 59 years old. I will not say anything to my brother. I think he has to work it out for himself. If I start saying things I might cause arguments or tension. My other brother has taken him today to stay at his place for a few days. They are doing this to get my mother better. When my mother feels better my father will go back home. I hope I am wrong but I think the cycle will continue. My mother will get depressed and breathless again.