ways to forget

hello, i split with my ex after finding out he had cheated over 20 times :( not only that i found emails from these girls saying awful things about me, claiming how much better they were than me. he did alot of awful things that i won't bore you with.
basically i want advice on how to forget and move on. my confidence is shattered, my self body image is destroyed, i'm bitter, jealous, vengeful and i have no trust. i just want myself back because he's turned me into something i hate :( x

[skygazer]

ah, these troubles we encounter are challenges we are given so that are souls can grow for the better. That is if we learn something from the experience.
Think of the ex, the girls and all the awful things as props on the stage, where you, are the star of the play.
If you look at it from this point of you, the people and their actions lose the importance your ego has given them.

See what you can learn about yourself from the experience that will have a positive effect on your soul. It's about you, not them and their deeds.

Blessings

[astralsuzy]

I feel for you. It is awful what you are going through. It would be very hurtful and it would be very hard to get past it. I have the same problem as you in that, how do you get passed it so you will not think about it anymore. You really try not to think about it and for a long time it works. Then someone talks about it and it is on your mind again. It never goes away.
What I have started to do is, I am trying to live in the present. Examples are, when I do the washing up, I concentrate or think of what I am doing. With everything I do, I try to think what I am doing instead of having conversations in my head of what has happened. I feel a lot better but I have to keep at it, trying to live in the present so I will stop thinking about the hurt and the rubbish that has happened. Also it is a good idea to say to yourself twice a day I forgive everyone. Do not think about who has hurt you, just say I forgive everyone and really feel in your heart that you forgive. By doing that it makes you feel a lot better. It may not happen overnight but overtime it does work.
It is not your fault that this has happened so try to tell yourself that and how good you are. This could happen to anyone.

Originally Posted by xcat-ladyx

hello, i split with my ex after finding out he had cheated over 20 times :( not only that i found emails from these girls saying awful things about me, claiming how much better they were than me. he did alot of awful things that i won't bore you with.
basically i want advice on how to forget and move on. my confidence is shattered, my self body image is destroyed, i'm bitter, jealous, vengeful and i have no trust. i just want myself back because he's turned me into something i hate :( x

xcat-ladyx, I hear you and feel for your pain. But you're also wanting to move on and don't want to be dis-empowered by this situation. You have been abused and it becomes easy to fall into "I'm a victim" consciousness. As long as you see yourself as a victim, you will lose your power to the events and situation. Part of the healing path of those that have been abused is to learn how to not let it happen again. Those are some tough lessons to learn. You are a capable adult and in allowing the abuse you have some responsibility to own up to.

You said he cheated on you 20 times. How far into that 20 did it go before you became aware of it? How much longer did you allow it to continue happening to you? It's good you've stopped it. But for the time it was happening behind your back, you have to own up to your own lack of awareness and understand that you have a lot to learn about people, communication, openness and healthy relationships. For the time you allowed it to continue while you were aware of it, you have to own up to your own passivity and allowing violations to continue.

You said you want to move on and reclaim your power, to move out of perceiving yourself as having been a victim. The best way you can do that is own up to what in you allowed it to happen. Yes, he is an abuser, but he will live with the Karma he generates. You will be bringing some of that Karma back to him, but you have to reclaim your power. You are worth being in a relationship with, but look at all the things you missed and look at what would have been different in a healthy relationship. Now that you know, you can move forward into that healthier understanding. Over time, as the pain has gone away and the scars have healed, with Wisdom and retrospect from a distance on this time in your life you will come to see that your Ex was a bringer of many Life Lessons that you were needing to learn. He will have his Karma. The quality of his actions create the quality of his life. You can even bring him some of that karma, if you feel compelled to. But at some point in your healing process you're going to have to move on from even perceiving him as your abuser.

As you say, you feel like he took away your ability to trust and your positive self-image. It is going to take time to work through everything and return to your self-empowerment. The wounds will ache for years, likely. But they are also giving you the opportunity to go deeper within yourself, to begin to look at the world a little more deeply, to develop your intuition and learn how to communicate and have healthy relationships. In their own way these things are their own kind of gifts to you. It sucks to hear it, but your relationship wasn't as deep or interconnected as you were thinking it was. He lied to you and you believed him. How did you betray yourself? How did you deny that gut reaction when it first told you? How could you be so unaware and so out of touch with yourself to enter into the relationship? It hurts to hear these things, but in looking at them and embracing your own responsibility for the events you will reclaim your power and authority over your own life. You allowed this to happen, through ignorance and lack of understanding.

Let the anger come forward. But be angry at your self. "Never Again". But how will you prevent it? Killing him doesn't fix the real problem because his twin is just around the corner ready to dupe you again. You have to learn to See. You have to learn to Be. "Never Again" is about you empowering yourself to learn to see and spot the abuser before the abuse happens. This begins a deepening of your spiritual understanding, into psychology, into life, into addiction, into innocence and the sacred, this begins your journey into Wholeness.

There are lessons to learn. And the universe may throw you some more people like your ex until you learn those lessons.

The Perspective from Wholeness: "I love you, forever and always. But while you are disrespectful, you must stay out of my house. You are always welcome in my house, forever and always, when you can be respectful while in my space."

You define what your boundaries are, to your house and what actions and intentions you allow within it. It's time to stop being passive and unaware. Power comes from being Aware and enforcing your boundaries. The empowering perspective on what has happened to you is that the universe has brought you opportunities for growth. Take this opportunity and milk it for all its worth. Grow as much as you can from it. When the pain subsides and you return to being comfortable, there is less fuel for the fire to Grow.

So the question the universe is putting before you now is How do you want to Grow? What qualities and abilities do you want to cultivate in response to this event?

Originally Posted by xcat-ladyx

hello, i split with my ex after finding out he had cheated over 20 times :( not only that i found emails from these girls saying awful things about me, claiming how much better they were than me. he did alot of awful things that i won't bore you with.
basically i want advice on how to forget and move on. my confidence is shattered, my self body image is destroyed, i'm bitter, jealous, vengeful and i have no trust. i just want myself back because he's turned me into something i hate :( x

..and you will get yourself back over time. In order to justify cheating on you, you probably have been, in a sense turned into something you hate. In relationships partners tend to project upon each other illusions that suit their needs or justify their own behaviour. Just be aware of these illusions & over time they will lift. Also seek real help ...someone to outflow to that can facilitate recovery. All the best & don't forget to love yourself you are not someone elses illusion.

[TerraStorm]

Hey man I was in the same boat 5 months ago, emails and all, I split and easily moved on because all I remembered when I thought of him was the disgusting things he did behind my back, yuk..then two months ago I met my twin flame!! he just popped up out of nowhere and he had been in the same situation as well with his break up..to me all other relationships have just been practice for being with him..if they don't work out then it so wasnt meant to be, and we cant change that person. Just because he didn't show you what a real man is..doesnt mean there isnt one that will..and trust me you are so better off without someone like that

It is natural that you’re angry, particularly if this occurred recently. The specifics about how he was awful aren’t necessary. What is important is how you are processing this & how you’re feeling about your self.

It will take a little while to get past this as it’s a big life change. There are quite a few things that you can do to help move past this.

You’ve wisely assessed w/ some useful self awareness hat this has changed you into something you aren’t keen about. You can begin by appreciating how this experience is making you feel. It seems you may have already done this. Then ask your self how long that you are going to hang on to their energy. When we hold on to others hurtful energies this is doing their dirty work for them long after they are no longer physically present. Get their energies out of your head. You can actively discharge these. While the below link is about a different subject, the mechanics about ejecting undesired energy is the same.

Discharging Energetic Refuse That Arises As We Expand Our Consciousness- http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...540#post189540

When thoughts crop up about all of this ugly past relationship (really ancient history), actively stop them, gently reminding your self that these have been pondered many times before & you WANT to move on. Send them away. This can be a good time to ground & connect w/ HS to bring in positive energy to supplant the negative energy you just sent packing.

You know what you want to go back to as far as positive self image, self esteem, confidence, etc. & you have the power to do it. Appreciate that you had the self worth to leave when many wouldn’t have done so. This is very positive. Continue to build on this empowerment.

Toss out ugly stuff (s)he said about you as their own ugly energetic garbage. If you really don’t want him there is no reason to be jealous of the women he is with. He may not have been trustworthy, but many men are & would be delighted to be w/ someone looking for a real relationship. Holding on to anger about a past relationship NEVER helps us move on.

He really doesn’t have the power to turn you into anything. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t allow your self to feel the expected feelings w/ an ugly split as fully feeling them is part of the process of getting over them. Just be aware that processing these & MOVING ON is the objective.

Look at it this way. You found out that he was a cad at 21. Consider your self lucky. Many have found this out after they were over double your age, married, had kids, & many fewer years to find a relationship that works. Many more complications. Move on & be glad you don’t have to put up w/ him anymore.

Distanced Observer- http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...685#post176685

thank you so much for the replies. its a big help. i do have a son with my ex which makes it alot harder to forget as i see him all the time. i didn't know about the cheating until the end of our relationship, but you are right, i did have a gut feeling and i stupidly ignored it. i like the idea of taking something postive from this situation and learning. i just struggle when i see him or even these girls, i get angry and it brings it all back again. i just want an end to all these feelings
xxx

recovery from the Dark Night of the Soul will depend on how much investment was put into it, this too shall pass, after all its really not about him but you. Any hurt arises from with in. seek in knowing that you are more and until you learn to forgive your self will you be able to forgive him. emotional pain to suffering is an illusion we all one time or another have bought into. in order to have any kind of successful relationship we must have one with our self first. Pain and suffering cure; focus on the present and be still.

[Quest]

I feel for you.
I would also try to focus on "BEING" which will help you to become aware of the present rather than the past. If you connect with your inner self, you will tap into the infinite power and strength that each of us have inside. It's a well that never runs dry, as long as we continue to connect to it. Try not to hold on to something that no longer serves you. It's like holding on to our breath, CO2 that we don't need, so you breathe it out. Breathing exercises have really helped me to let go of some emotional pain, and to get it out of my system. And I don't know what I would do without meditation. I find so much strength in that.
Blessings to you, and just believe that you will get over this! Do not blame yourself since there should be no regrets. You did what you thought was right at the time, and things happen for a reason. You will come out much stronger in the end!