Forgiveness, how to.

I have this ex. I was never deeply, deeply in love with him, but we had a really strong connection. It was magnetizing. But it was also volatile, and we broke up several times...we always ended up together again. We couldn't stay away.

I'm not going to go into detail, but he really wronged me and disrespected me, more than once. We haven't been a couple in months, we have attempted to stay "friends" but always end up in bed together. I keep promising myself I won't do it anymore, or even remain his friend, until he shows genuine remorse. But, he doesn't. Sure, he's said he's sorry for everything, but it's always like pulling teeth to get it out of him. Not to mention, he's never given me the explanation I so badly want.

Granted, I wasn't always the "decent" person I am today lol, I too have an ex I treated terribly, and I was unable to admit it or apologize/explain it to him until two years after our relationship ended...despite me being DEEPLY in love with him, it still took me that long to realize...or to let my pride go and be able to say it to him. Thank goodness he was kind and forgiving, and we're in a good place now.

I have a couple questions....
1) I keep carrying anger around and I don't know how to let it go. I can't seem to forget or forgive what my ex did to me. How do you forgive when it doesn't come naturally?....this is consuming me.

2) How do I know if his unwillingness to truly apologize or explain is much like my difficulty to do the same for my other ex, despite my loving him, or if he just stopped caring about me and I need to stop waiting? fyi, I said "goodbye" to him today, but I don't think he is even taking it seriously yet because I tend to be an emotional drama queen (lol) who says that kind of thing in every fight haha...so I don't think he believes I meant it.

This link might help.

http://stress.about.com/od/relations...to_forgive.htm

Originally Posted by Meg88

I have this ex. I was never deeply, deeply in love with him, but we had a really strong connection. It was magnetizing. But it was also volatile, and we broke up several times...we always ended up together again. We couldn't stay away.

I'm not going to go into detail, but he really wronged me and disrespected me, more than once. We haven't been a couple in months, we have attempted to stay "friends" but always end up in bed together. I keep promising myself I won't do it anymore, or even remain his friend, until he shows genuine remorse. But, he doesn't. Sure, he's said he's sorry for everything, but it's always like pulling teeth to get it out of him. Not to mention, he's never given me the explanation I so badly want.

Granted, I wasn't always the "decent" person I am today lol, I too have an ex I treated terribly, and I was unable to admit it or apologize/explain it to him until two years after our relationship ended...despite me being DEEPLY in love with him, it still took me that long to realize...or to let my pride go and be able to say it to him. Thank goodness he was kind and forgiving, and we're in a good place now.

I have a couple questions....
1) I keep carrying anger around and I don't know how to let it go. I can't seem to forget or forgive what my ex did to me. How do you forgive when it doesn't come naturally?....this is consuming me.

2) How do I know if his unwillingness to truly apologize or explain is much like my difficulty to do the same for my other ex, despite my loving him, or if he just stopped caring about me and I need to stop waiting? fyi, I said "goodbye" to him today, but I don't think he is even taking it seriously yet because I tend to be an emotional drama queen (lol) who says that kind of thing in every fight haha...so I don't think he believes I meant it.

I'm afraid I'm going to read between the lines, if I do and what I say is totally offbase, please forgive and correct.

"Emotional drama queen" raised my hackles a bit. Maybe you are. Maybe you have been culturally conditioned to believe that you are? I can't say by what you write here. There's no way of knowing - but that jumped out at me so I'm raising the question. Because if he disrespected you (and okay I'm reading between the lines and assuming he cheated on you), then getting all emotional, angry, and creating a drama scene... isn't being a Queen or having PMS and being "too emotional." No, honey, it's called righteous indignation and enforcing your boundaries when someone steps on them.

With that in mind, to answer your questions:

1) It's possible that your anger is serving you very well, and he deserves to feel it.

But let's assume you have held on to anger long enough and you know it's time to move past it -- maybe because it's eating you up and you want to be done with that stage for your own mental health. If that is the case, it's a cliche but true "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." He doesn't have to ask for your forgiveness or earn it -- you forgive because it serves you, and gives you peace of mind to no longer live in a state of anger. (and I will tell you this --- it's awesome when you just let it all gooooo.. for your own sake, not for theirs.)

Please note forgiveness does not mean lowering or eliminating your boundaries, and being a doormat. It is all about treating your own self with loving kindness.

Now, maybe you mean "how do I stop being angry with MYSELF and forgive myself"? It's the same basic advice --- loving kindness -- and you do it because you recognize it's time to stop punishing yourself. That you keep falling back into bed with him, makes me suspect there is at least a little bit of this going on with you... because it could be both. You could have good reason to be angry with him, and yourself.



2) Two possibilities here:

a) You need the ego boost of his sincere apology and request for forgiveness, so you can justify your own awful behavior, and release yourself/forgive yourself. But, you don't need that... forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.

b) He has come to view your continuing behavior towards him as tacit acceptance. In other words, you have not been clear, and he doesn't realize you are angry. This could be the case, you could not have the clarity to ask what you need, in no uncertain terms. If you had that clarity, you may not be posting here and/or continuing to sleep with him.

Either way, it is a beautiful thing to accept people for who they really are, with blinders off. I don't know this man. But consider that a part of you thought you had a boundary, but ... it really wasn't a boundary afterall. And that's what you are struggling with. You surprised yourself. Deep down, you do accept him as he is, rosy color glasses off, doing things that any of your friends or family may consider intolerable. But they are not you.

Well, it's late, and none of this may make any sense. I warned I may be reading too much within the lines that is not really there. Trying to cover multiple bases. Take what resonates, forget the rest. (Fast becoming my tagline!!)

[astralsuzy]

You probably will not like my post, I am sorry for that. I think you should have some respect for yourself and not to go to bed with him as you just want to be friends with him. Perhaps that is part of the reason why you are angry. You wished you did not do it. If you do not want to be with this person in a relationship I would suggest not to see him again. That will solve the bed problem and will allow you to move on with your life and meet someone else.
I would forget about wanting him to show remorse to you. It is not worth it. Move on with your life.
To forget your ex., every time he comes in your mind think of something else. I know it is hard to do. I have the same problem but you have to keep trying. What helps me is I think of something I really want to achieve and I keep focusing on that until the other thought goes away. It takes time and it will not happen over night.
To forgive yourself and others, you say to yourself I forgive myself and other people and feel it in your heart when you say it. Again it will not work overnight. It takes time. You have to do it every day. In yoga meditation they say, say it twice a day.
How to stop being angry, what works for me is, when I am angry I think of something else.

[Asrais]

In my experience (from myself and others) the whole being friends after a relationship does not work. When a relationship ends, both parties need to separate themselves in order to move on.

It is unlikely he is going to offer a sincere apology if he hasn't already done so - you can't force him to feel remorseful, but with time and distance from the relationship, you'll find that you don't need him to be sorry in order to forgive him.

[astralsuzy]

That is sensible advice Asrais.

[Spiritlite]

Great thread I need to forgive my brother.

[Xan]

Meg... You're right, forgiving is important in letting go of the past.

Here's a thread about how: The Power of Forgiving - http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=3683


Xan