It Hurts So Much

I come here mostly to vent. And this time is no exception. And I know I won't get much sleep tonight until I get this off my chest.

I can't explain the situation detail for detail. But I posted a couple months ago about a christian brother who I had a crush on, in the "christian club." I got over him, to a degree, when a few weeks ago, I ran into this other brother from the group, as I was walking out of the library of the college, on my way home.

It was him and a couple of others just talking. This brother had caught my attention earlier, because of his seriousness about the faith. There was a maturity about him that I admired. And here I was running into him. We discussed some random things and ended up on the subject of the H-ly Spirit. Then he dropped the bomb--almost out of nowhere, that he used to be a homosexual...

To make a long story short, we developed a report, and I have been visiting his church over the past couple of weeks. We have stayed up late nights on the phone. He was incredibly warm to me to begin with. I was surprised that he remembered my name after the first time meeting me--when it was in the midst of such a large group, and spoke to me as he was driving down the road, and I couldn't even remember his. He would always speak to me, and I could fel the love coming from him. We made such a wonderful connection that day though. He shared his testimony that night over the phone, and it's just about identical to mine. So, he was trying to be a witness to me that I can be "delivered" from homosexuality.

He would tell me he loved me often, which just felt amazing. It felt pure. But eventually, I began to develop feelings for him, and eventually, he stopped tellin me he loved me. I expressed to him how important it was to hear it coming from him and how much it meant to me. But the more I stressed it, the less he expressed it. He felt that our relationship was becoming impure. I would drop little hints here and there, and we almost started borderline flirting over the phone. And he started calling less and less. The other night, I dropped a bomb on him when I told him how attracted I was to him and how beautiful I thought he was. He responded harshly and told me that he wouldn't tolerate scuh convesation, and that we could no longer talk over the phone after dark. I told him that I didn't understand how he could be so uptight, but that he, out of all people, should understand me. He responded that he does understand, but that he is very serious about his salvation and sanctification.

That was the last time he texted me in about 2 or 3 days, while I have called his phone, and sent him several long messages pouring my heart out. And today, I apologized, repented, and explained to him how sorry I am and how much I appreciate his friendship. But I've gotten no response at all. It has gone from us texting and talking on the phone almost every hour on the hour, in the beginning, to us not talking at all.

I just think to myself that this is another perfectly good relationship that I have ruined! I feel that I am toxic. Every single relationship or friendship that I have, I make an art out of messing it up! I always come off as too desperate. But this was one relationship that I thought would last. I only prove to myself over and over again that I am horrible at relating to people. But this particular one has reinforced and magnified all of my feelings of isolation, betrayal, rejection, and abandonement. I feel that he has done all of it, because he knws how I feel about thee things. Out of all people, he was supposed to understand me. I am confused and at a loss for thoughts as to how he could turn such a cold shoulder toward me after everything we have shared in such a short amount of time. He has fed me and given me the shoes off of his feet. But now, I can't help but feel that he hates me.

[Silver]

I believe he doesn't want to betray what he now believes to be his faith, number one by turning his back on you. He does appear to be a genuinely approachable/friendly sort of person. You see it the way you want to see it, and believe he is (unwittingly perhaps) sending mixed signals to you. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I hope you can work it out in your psyche all the separate issues going on here.

[Xan]

Fire... I understand it is part of your religion to believe that homosexuality is wrong.

But in my knowing of the teaching of Jesus, it's isn't he who said that but others from the Old Testament, and others who came later.

In fact, there are homosexual couples who are fully dedicated in Christ who have understood that love is love and gender really has nothing to do with it.

Just letting you know.


Xan

It is pretty clear that he is still homosexual. But he believes that his salvation depends on no longer being homosexual. He's going to be in a lot of pain himself, and will not have successful relationships, until one of those things actually changes, but only one of them actually can change... You're not toxic, but with the way things are with him now the two of you would not be compatible. You didn't make things that way, and there's not much you can do to change it because he has to figure himself out and re-evaluate a lot of things... you can't do that for him.

You deserve to be with someone who already has himself figured out enough to be able to have a stable, close relationship. There are people like that out there.

Originally Posted by arive nan

It is pretty clear that he is still homosexual. But he believes that his salvation depends on no longer being homosexual. He's going to be in a lot of pain himself, and will not have successful relationships, until one of those things actually changes, but only one of them actually can change... You're not toxic, but with the way things are with him now the two of you would not be compatible. You didn't make things that way, and there's not much you can do to change it because he has to figure himself out and re-evaluate a lot of things... you can't do that for him.

You deserve to be with someone who already has himself figured out enough to be able to have a stable, close relationship. There are people like that out there.

I believe that he sincerely believes he is delivered from being gay. The expereinces he told me he has had leads me to be convinced of this. But when I first heard him speak, I perceived that he was homosexual, even though he was so serious about his faith--speaks in tongues and everything. This was confusing to me, in the beginning. But now, I understand why he is the way he is. He is truly terrified of going to hell. And after being around his mentors, I can see why.

One of the last texts I sent him, I explained to him that I didn't believe in "ex-homosexuals" and that I felt he wasn't real... in so mnay words...althoug I put it in a way where it wouldn't seem like an attack on his character. But I imagine it still must've really upset him. I was a little upset myself, when I said it, which is why I apologized...

[Perspective]

Fire,
It's so painful to not be able to be with somebody you love & who you felt so much love from.
I'm a big romantic! I've always been, even since I was little.
Yet, I've recently learned that those "in love" feelings are often "infatuation" - based on illusions that that person is the source of love. When in reality all love you feel comes from you! Another may inspire it, like watering a seed - the seed had to be there already... it all is felt & is created within you!

I feel really sad for your friend who's freaked out about going to hell. Nobody goes to hell. Well, there is a little city named Hell... ha ha - but "hell" in the personal sense, is self-created & based on perspective, as is heaven. Unfortunately, a lot of mental illness is the result of such misunderstandings of Christianity. I hope understandings of spirituality improve in this way.

Personally, I believe homosexual practices go against anatomical truth & is warped thinking & related feelings... often as a result of abuse. Yet, who doesn't have warped thinking? We all do! It just varies... & some are more obvious & harmful than others. You probably already know about the health risks of gay sex... but just in case you don't... check them out & please be careful. I want & hope the best for you!

There is nothing wrong with homosexuality. God loves us all regardless of who we choose as mates. I agree with the other posts, this man is still homosexual, he is just denying it to you and himself because he truly believes it is wrong. It's not wrong. Love yourself, trust yourself. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks, even if they start preaching to you that you're going to go to hell. It was NEVER between you and them anyway. It is between you and God. God loves you, no matter what. Don't forget that.

It's amazing to me how I can be around him now, for hours, and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I really am having a hard time believing that he could be so cruel... after all I have explained to him. Just what his silence is doing to me, I don't know if he understands it or if he is just doing it deliberately. I wish I could ignore it, but I can't stop thinking about him.

[Xan]

Yes... Loving someone who denies the love is truly painful.

Fire... It seems like time to dive into your inner Christ heart and let yourself be healed there.


Xan

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Fire7

It's amazing to me how I can be around him now, for hours, and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I really am having a hard time believing that he could be so cruel... after all I have explained to him. Just what his silence is doing to me, I don't know if he understands it or if he is just doing it deliberately. I wish I could ignore it, but I can't stop thinking about him.

I understand FIRE7... it's OK, love's like that, it's a beautiful like a poem that makes you cry.