It Hurts So Much

Thank you all for your advice.

Though I can give him the benefit of the doubt about the amount of time we spent on the phone. He is a person who normally spends long periods of time on the phone talking to people . He told me how when he was younger, he used to get cursed out for running up his mother's phone bill. He's just a person who has a lot to say. As I said, he's very mature. I understand he used to hang around a lot of old people, which is probably why he acts twice his age.

But I think that both of our motives were innocent in the beginning. I wasn't thinking or feeling anything sexual when we made contact... maybe until he told me about his initiation into homosexuality; that was kind of stimulating in a bizzare way... but other than that, I only started really feeling emotionally attached to him the more I hung around him and experienced his personality...although I did have some subtle attraction to him before our encounter that day.

To be clear, I didn't go into this relationship expecting romance. The romance part came later. And it is the other way around: he already had a couple of close christian male friends who had shared in his struggles and overcome with him... who are just as spiritual as he is. So, I was not encouraging him in anything other than being a mentor to me. It was him who was trying to encourage me.

But he did not initially realize that this was still such a part of me. I think that because I was a part of the christian club, in addition to some of the things I had said in the meetings, he was under the impression that I was "delivered", or either me confessing my struggle to him had delivered me (which I believe the case to be because of some things that were said...). He may have been a little presumtuous in thinking that his exposing my hidden "sin" had delievered me. But I later let him know that it was not something I felt I needed to give up.

[Sarian]

I agree with others, he's still homosexual. I really don't know of anyone who claimed that they have been 'healed' or 'cured' of it and truly were. I believe people are born homosexual, but yes, some can be confused due to abuse or exploration.

I feel your pain. One thing that drives me nuts with religion(s) is the guilt and the pointing finger of admonishment that we are guilty sinners and so forth. Filthy rags. Ugh.

It sounds like you both began getting emotionally attached to each other. That is an easy thing to have occur. People get involved in emotional affairs all the time even when not seeking them out. They just happen.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. And good for you tell let him know it's not something you felt you needed to give up. It's part of who you are. Try not to become clingy towards him. I know your pain, I can feel it in your writings. I've gotten that way myself when I was losing someone I loved terribly. It's not particularly attactive and was told so. I was able to change that straightaway though, with practice. Guess what? My love came back. Maybe that will happen for you, or maybe someone better will come. (((((((Hugs))))))Fire7

To also be fair to him, he didn't know (for sure) that I was homosexual when he told me he used to be... He said he was sharing it because G-d had him to share it. He felt I was a christian practicing a hidden sin (because of our conversation about the H-ly Spirit), but he didn't know what it was until he saw my reaction after he told me. He did, however said that he kind of suspected something for a while, when he would see me around on campus (before we knew of eachother), but it was more of an intuitive connection than anything.

I think that by the time I called him that same night, he knew why he had shared that info with me. But we told me he was waiting for me to confess it--which he assumed would free me ("...made free by the words of our testimony...") and set me on the path to deliverence. He then shared some of his expereiences, not in graffic detail, but in vivid enough detail for me to be mentally aroused by it. I admit that this was probably what planted the seed of lust within myself--even though I had already had a subtle sexual attraction to him prior to all of this. We shared other experiences a different times. But I probably enjoyed hearing them more than he did telling them.

I also have to correct myself. To say that we talked every hour is an exaggeration. I wasn't a steady hour on the hour. It was at frequent but random times, mostly texting throughout the day but not every hour. We did talk over the phone almost every night, or at least one of us would call the other just to say "good night." Half of those times, we would end up on the phone for 1 to 3 hours...mostly discussing scriptural matters...though sometimes listening to eachother breathe. It did kind of confuse (for lack of better term) me. Because one moment he would be praying and speaking in tongues, and the next moment I would get the feeling that we were being intimate. He wasn't saying anything inappropriate; it's just the way it felt or seemed. And one time, if I'm not mistaken, I do remember him addressing me "hello my love," which did kind of make me wonder for a second but I didn't think much about. We would've definitely spoken from midnight until the sun came up, if I had unlimited minutes on my phone. He liked talking to me and didn't want me to hang up. I kept promising him I would get the unlimited plan on my phone just so we could talk all night long. The ironic thing is that, when I finally did get unlimited time, he has switched into not interested in you anymore mode all of a sudden.

And our last latenight conversation, which only happened because I told him we needed to talk, only lasted about 10 mins, where he spent about 5 praying a warfare prayer over me, rebuking the spirit of homosexuality and telling me that he was only talking to me under the comission of the H-ly Ghost, and he had nothing else to say to me...that he would like to hang up if it was ok with me. Well, I don't know if you've ever been taking a warm shower, and all of sudden, the water turns ice cold. But that is exactly what I felt. I don't know what had happen but I just felt that something had turned off in him. I think that's why I decided to tell him how attractive he was. I thought that maybe it would get his attention; and it did--just not the attention I expected.

I was honestly bewildered! And I still am. I did get to see him the other night at bible study at his pastor's home. He did call me, because he picked me up, so I guess he had no choice but to call me and let me know he was outside. I sat next to him in bible study, and he did tell me goodbye when he left for home. So I do feel better now that he is at least speaking to me. So maybe this is an open door to eventually sit down at some point and have a conversation with him in person, and bring some kind of reconciliation or closure? But I am juggling this idea and maybe the idea of turning the table and ignoring him from now on and pretending he doesn't exist--as to not open myself up for rejection again. I don't want to get my hopes up.

I don't just lust after this guy. And I don't like to abuse/misuse the "L" word. But I really do appreciate him and care for him as a person--so much so that I would consider it a tragedy to lose him as a friend. But, in any case or outcome, I just hope that I can at least sit down and have an open and honest, straight forward conversation with him so that both of us can get some true mutual understanding and closure...when it is the right time

misposted......

If you’re wanting a boyfriend, getting a crush on someone who is a former homosexual is a really problematic choice that is probably not going to go well for many reasons. The worst case scenario is if you & he actually got involved, then he decided to go back to being heterosexual. Personally, I would always be a little nervous that he would blame me even if he willingly got into the relationship, & wondering if he was going to decide he was heterosexual again. By saying this I don’t want you to use this being attracted to him as something else to beat your self up about though. This stuff can happen.

This isn’t ‘another perfectly good relationship that’ you ‘have ruined!’ It was a guy that was homosexual, but now isn’t & is trying to get you to go straight. You didn’t ruin anything. It is likely that this guy used a very poor choice of words, saying he loved you, to express his support of you & cooled off when he realized that you were interpreting it as romantic love. Or he might have feelings that cropped up about you that he isn’t willing to acknowledge himself about his sexual orientation. Either way, you didn’t screw up anything.

You would likely be buying a truckload of problems w/ this guy IMO. He probably doesn’t hate you at all, but if he hates anything it is that it may have aroused feelings in him that he thought he left behind when he converted to straight. Don’t let this give you encouragement that he might go back to being gay though.

There are many gay men that are out there who aren’t dealing w/ an issue like this & who want a real relationship. The real issue here is why you feel you’re toxic. Many get a crush on those who are unavailable. What is useful to ponder is that getting a crush on someone who is unavailable is one of the ways we keep our self from being in danger of having a real relationship.

You are being a really harsh judge of you. That he & you developed a meaningful relationship shows that you really don’t have trouble in relating to others. I will agree that it is unrealistic to look at a guy who is a reformed gay as being a viable gay partner though. Why did you think he might be a viable romantic relationship?

I completely agree w/ arive nan about you deserving to be ‘with someone who already has himself figured out enough to be able to have a stable, close relationship. There are people like that out there.’

It may well be that this guy will continue to look at your sexual orientation as a BIG no-no, but this is his problem & prejudice, not yours. You can let him know you would like to be non-sexual friends, but just text him this or send a card, then let it go & don’t contact him again. Have the wisdom to KNOW this is probably a dead end unless you just want to put your self in the position of being constantly prayed over to get rid of your gayness. This is absurd to want to put up w/ & you are completely justified in stopping anyone who goes into this praying the gay away nonsense.

There are MANY Christians of both genders that have no issue whatsoever w/ female or male same sex couples. A Christian denomination that is very welcoming of gays & lesbians is the Unitarian church.

‘The Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) is a liberal religious organization, ... . They continue this tradition by advocating equal rights for gays and lesbians, including the right to marry.

The UU Association was the first large religious organization in North America to welcome homosexuals and bisexuals as full members, eligible to become clergy. They were also the first major religious group to open an office to in support of equal civil rights for (and social acceptance of) Gays and Lesbians. This has expanded in recent years to include both Bisexual and Transgendered people. In the past, they have been viewed as one of the most liberal of the large Christian denominations. ...

In 1970, their General Assembly passed a resolution to oppose laws which criminalized some forms of adult consensual sexual activity, which discriminated against gays and lesbians in employment, and which restricted US government issuance of security clearances, visas and citizenship. This led to the creation of an Office on Gay Affairs in 1973

In 1977, the General Assembly passed a resolution calling on its congregations to fight misinformation being disseminated against homosexuals. A second resolution called for an end to persecution and intolerance of gays.’ More about same sex relationship rights at the below link.-

http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_uua.htm

Fire7,

First of all, you are amazing. You are so amazing and so brilliant, anybody would love to be your friend.
It hurts. Rejected love always does, must be so painful. How can you say you are horrible? How? You deserved to be loved and to be hugged.

I am so proud of you