Making New Friends as an Adult

[Clio_86]

Three years ago I moved cross-country and have been super busy with school (phd student). I have finally finished my comprehensive exams and am ready to branch out and make some good friends. However, making friends isn't going as well as I had hoped.

I made quite a few friendly acquaintances over the years, but my environment is naturally competitive and not super healthy for making good friends. So lots of the people I connected with have either left academia or have decided they do not want to be friends with anyone in academia.

I have made some new friends this year and have put in the effort to meet them for lunch and hang out. But I'm not sure what to do after hanging out. Do I give a few days or a week before I contact them again? Should I not appear desperate? I feel like this is worse than dating. I'm not really sure what to do.

The people who I feel like I could be good friends with are on my facebook and before we started hanging out we chatted all the time and got along great. Now that I have hung out with some of them the chatting has stopped. Although when I hung out with them we talked in person for a really long time and I thought it went really well. They are mostly grad students like me so are probably really busy too, but I am not sure what to do.

I'm also at the age where everyone is in a serious relationship. I just got out of a six year long serious relationship. So the last time I made good friends I was either single but in my early twenties or was in a committed relationship and made friends with other committed people. Now that I have more free time I'm not even sure what to do or how to approach possible friendships. I am also feeling really insecure.

Bringing almost no friends with me from college I moved to a flat (not so far from my parents) at the seaside. It's fairly cosmopolitan so I found a few special interest groups to join, appealing in one way and another. I "passed through" several fairly quickly: a patronisingly discomforting photographic club for instance where your status largely depended on your photographic equipment, not what sort of photographer you were; a yoga class; an art club; a contemporary music ensemble (still belong but it's slowly dying). I eventually settled for Zumba and Medau keep fit classes/sessions which I now attend 3 times a week and have made a few friends there including my soul mate. For whatever reason I don't know, the zumba class seems to attract spiritually-minded people. My work also takes me to a "music" studio peopled mainly by men and I've made a couple of friends - not intimate ones like confidantes, just people I can enjoy a social occasion with. A right mixture of temperaments I can tell you.

But the people with whom I've kept long term contact are a few secondary school classmates who continued their college in media studies and are now doing well in multimedia and games.

So if I may suggest it, it's about looking around, finding things you like to do, give yourself time to get to know the people, attend their events with just the aim of joining in and making friends. At times "club lunches" may seem a chore but if you can summon up the effort...
See how it takes off from there.

Good luck.
PS I admit I wouldn't date anyone from academia. It didn't take me long to get my blinkers off but it is such a tunneled smug institution. I find academics boring mostly unless they can let their hair down. That's because I have too little to contribute in their spheres.

[FairyCrystal]

I also find it difficult to make new friends. Depends on where you live. I live in an area where everyone knows everyone from growing up, going out and so on. I'm an outsider, and even though I've lived here for 15 years I don't have a single friend here. I had 2, they were from the province I'm from myself. That clicks instantly. I just don't click with the people from this province, not beyond acquaintance level. Doesn't matter what I do, they are always happy to see me, but they never make an effort to come visit me, include me in their things. So I've gotten quite lonely over the years in that sense.
The few people I knew who were from my province moved out of here for the same reason: cannot connect to and with the people here.

Also difficult with dating, cos I don't want someone from here, there's no point if you inherently don't click with them. But it's a bit of a remote area, so people from elsewhere often don't want to start dating & a relationship with someone who 'lives that far away'.

What you say when an adult, many others being in a relationship, so true! I like to go out regularly, but the ones in a relationship seem to have grown into 'Saturday night slouching on the couch'. Or they're glued together, god forbid they go out with a friend to have some fun and leave hubby alone at home!

So yeah, making friends when an adult and not in your own area can be difficult.
I've tried all kinds of things, but what it comes down to is that I have to chase after them constantly. Sod that. That's not friendship.

[Clio_86]

Oh gosh when my academic peers invite me to hang out it’s usually stuff like board game parties. Honestly all my peers play dungeons and dragons and other role playing games. I don’t fit in cause I’m not into that. I like having fun and going out and having drinks. I also like sports so I’m a lone wolf amongst my peers. Lol.

I also feel like I have to chase after people to nurture the “friendship” otherwise it will fade away. I have become used to doing activities alone and I don’t mind but it would be nice to have some friends.

[MissCreativeSpirit]

I would do other hobbies in groups or what your career is if possible. Try Meetup dot com or other groups that meet in person, a walking group off the activities on craigslist or look up community choirs perhaps? There really are infinate options outside of Facebook in real life to meet people.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

I'm an outsider, and even though I've lived here for 15 years I don't have a single friend here. I had 2, they were from the province I'm from myself. That clicks instantly. I just don't click with the people from this province

Hey, exactly my situation. 17 years living here and 0 friends. But whenever I meet a tourist (a lot of urban-type tourists from Southern Ontario stop on my road to take photos etc.), I feel an instant and energized connection. I think it's because I enjoy people who have seen the world a bit, whereas the people around here all grew up here and never left. Traveling wakes people up and broadens one's horizons. Hate to generalize but it's true, to a degree anyway. But I'm happy regardless. I say hi to people and can enjoy a short chat. Pretty good life for sure, and to tell the truth... I seriously enjoy my solitude!

[Clio_86]

Originally Posted by MissCreativeSpirit

I would do other hobbies in groups or what your career is if possible. Try Meetup dot com or other groups that meet in person, a walking group off the activities on craigslist or look up community choirs perhaps? There really are infinate options outside of Facebook in real life to meet people.

Yeah I might join a mushroom foraging walk next weekend. For something to do. I’m also going on a paranormal investigation in a couple weeks which I’m looking forward too. Maybe I will make some friends. Lol.

Baile do you live in southern Ontario? I live in Guelph.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Baile

Hey, exactly my situation. 17 years living here and 0 friends. But whenever I meet a tourist (a lot of urban-type tourists from Southern Ontario stop on my road to take photos etc.), I feel an instant and energized connection. I think it's because I enjoy people who have seen the world a bit, whereas the people around here all grew up here and never left. Traveling wakes people up and broadens one's horizons. Hate to generalize but it's true, to a degree anyway. But I'm happy regardless. I say hi to people and can enjoy a short chat. Pretty good life for sure, and to tell the truth... I seriously enjoy my solitude!

Geezzz!!! That is EXACTLY my situation as well! People from here never leave this area, and I have moved house 17 times so far, lived in Indonesia, lived half a year with Aboriginals in Australia and so on.
I don't really click with people who have not ever broadened their horizons either. Like you say, it changes you, the way you see things, the stuff you're interested in and what you talk about.
For me especially living in an Aboriginal community changed me and my views a lot.
I too can enjoy solitude, I like to be by myself a lot, but... I would appreciate at least 1 good friend. I've never been one to have a huge social circle, but I always had 1-2 besties. When you only have 1-2 you are very close, right.
And yeah, I do miss that. Someone to hang out with every now and then, have a cup of coffee with and so on.
A shame we don't live near, lord knows, we could be really good friends :)

[Baile]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

lived half a year with Aboriginals in Australia and so on. A shame we don't live near, lord knows, we could be really good friends :)

Very nice. Yes, we could share aboriginal stories. I left home at 17 and went hitchhiking up north, lived and worked (half a year in fact) in a Native American aboriginal community. It was a foundational experience for me, I honestly think I was re-living some past-life karma there.

I sometimes think that's what's missing for me in my situation... it doesn't feel like I'm around people that I have karmic connections with. I was in a spiritual community for many years, and I always felt like I was meeting karmic friends, everyday and all the time. But I suppose a teacher would tell me everyone is a karmic connection, still I wonder.

[linen53]

Yeah, I've lived in Oregon, Washington State, California, Texas, Maryland and now I live in Colorado. It took years living in Colorado (about 20) to establish friends because like you Baile and FairyCrystal, most people who live in my town are from here or somewhere in Colorado.

It takes some getting used to but like you said Baile, I enjoy my solitude.