Feeling completely overwhelmed...

Well, I'm new to this forum, and I so don't feel like posting this here, but everyone seems very supportive, and I'm hoping this is OK...

I'm Hindu, and I do believe in karma, very, very much so... I was told by two different pundits in India this is my last life, and your last life usually has tremendous suffering, because you are working off any bad karma you have left, which has actually gotten me through a lot. (And I apologize in advance, this will probably be long...)

I grew up in a half Indian (my father), half American (my mother) household in NY. My dad was unbelievably abusive, verbally, emotionally and physically, mainly towards me--I have a brother and two sisters, but I was the independent one, who fought against him, and all of my siblings have a disability, while I do not. I was ahead in school, started college at 15, and he pretty much left me alone then, and I would stay, he thought with an Indian girlfriend in the city, actually with a boyfriend, most nights. The day I turned 18 I went to the front door, declared I was moving in with the boy I'd been seeing, and ran out before he could catch me and kill me, probably literally. He followed me into the street and called me every name you can imagine and disowned me. My sibs and mom did not speak to me, none of my Indian relatives would either (he was the head of our Indian family), but I was OK with that, since I was out of that house. He died a year and a half later, and I made up with him two weeks to the day before he died, long story, for which I've been eternally grateful.

The guy I'd been dating was someone I met when I was 11--I ran home and told my mom I'd met the man I was going to marry. We started dating when I turned 15, I moved in with him when I turned 18, we got engaged when I was 20. Four days after our engagement party he was killed in a car accident.

I went to India after that. I planned to stay in an ashram, and, basically, become what most here would see as a nun. He was my soulmate, and I knew it. My mom sent my Indian relatives to get me, and convinced me to come back to the states. So I went back to NY, back to NYU, where I'd been studying, and doing a second BA, and, a year later, I met my 2nd soulmate (who'd a thunk it?). Although I was in denial for a long time, he is the man I ended up with, and he was wonderful--absolutely incredibly wonderful. He was Punjabi, like me. He'd been adopted by Americans, did not even know he was Indian until after he was 18 and could get his birth records (light brown hair, blue eyes, white skin, but very Punjabi looking--my whole Indian fam is basically the same, and his fam and mine were even from the same town, originally, in Pakistan). We got married three years later, in 1990, after much chasing, and patience, from him.

I'd love to say this is the happily ever after bit, but... We had four children, three of whom did not make it. Our first child, Aarya, was born at 6 months, and they couldn't figure out why. She died a few minutes after she was born, and I went into a pretty deep depression. I'd been working on my phd, and just abandoned it, and couldn't really function for a while. Four years later, and many tests, we tried again, I became pregnant, and we lost twins, a boy and a girl, Sivanta and Amba, at just over 4 months. This time they realized I had an incompetent cervix while I was pregnant, but because it was twins, they couldn't save them. My third pregnancy was with my son, Ishaan. I was put on full bed rest at 6 weeks, had a surgery to close my cervix at 12 weeks, had 4 bouts with premature labor, pregnancy induced hypertension and spent the last two months in the hospital, but he was born 5 weeks and 5 days early, and perfect :). They told me when I was 3 months pregnant he would not make it past 7 months, and that was very unlikely, but he did, and he is amazing!!!!

So, I thought I'd have my fairy tale ending. Then, my husband got sick. It turned out he had a rather rare brain tumor. It was misdiagnosed at first, and by the time they caught it, he had stopped working and had no health insurance. So we sold our apartment, and moved out of NY to be able to afford his treatment. There was no hope for survival, but I wanted as long with him as possible. In the end, and my son will never know this, he killed himself--something that tortures me still. He left me a note saying he didn't want us to have to go through what would have been a horrible end with him, but I never got to say goodbye, never got to say all of the things I wanted to say, and I would have given anything for one more week, or day, or hour... I know it sounds very selfish on my part, and I know I'll see him again, but it is still so painful...

Anyway... We ended up in tremendous debt, and I've been working ever since, struggling to get by. My mom and sibs had always gotten help from us, we both had great jobs; when he got sick, they were beyond unsupportive, so I cut all ties with them, and my son and I were alone. I couldn't bear to talk to most people we'd known before, it was just too painful. I work at home, and homeschool my son, so pay is not great, and it is just always a struggle. But my son is quite advanced, and public school was not really an option. Plus, we are quite close, and have discussed it, and prefer being together, vs the option of me working outside the house and him being in school. He actually finished high school at 13, and is studying languages, classics, etc now. In addition, he is bi-polar with phobias, something that runs in my fam (my dad and two of my sibs are mentally ill), so school would not be an option now, anyway.

So, usually I can get through anything... But we have just had a bit more than usual lately. We were living in FL, which we HATED!! We moved there from VA 4 years ago, thought it was going to be wonderful, and it was NOT!!! Then, a few months ago, a hurricane hit, not doing a tremendous amount of damage overall, but we were living in a mobile home, and it flooded, and basically everything we owned was destroyed. Including all of the pictures we had of my husband. Every single one!! And, ever since then, I've been a wreck!! I cry about him every day, and dream about him every night. And I'm not that person! When he died, I don't honestly think I mourned him, not fully. I had my son to take care of, and he was devastated (he was four), and I didn't want him to see me cry. And, honestly, I think because of the abuse from my father, I am denial girl--I can live in denial over anything!! And I think, when I lost the pictures, it just all sort of hit me!

So, anyway, we lost all of our furniture, all of our belongings, everything. And we weren't in a flood zone, so no flood ins, which is outrageous there, so nothing was covered. So, we moved to a horrible little place for a few months, down the road from where we were, and this nut neighbor started really bothering me, ended up kind of stalking me, and we had to leave very suddenly to get away from him (yes, my life has turned into a soap opera!!). We had really wanted to move back up north for a while, figured, if we had to move again, we would, so we moved to OH, basically because we found a safe, affordable place here. We are really happy we did, but then, yesterday, out of the blue, I lost my job (they let a bunch of people go because of the new insurance coverage law). A job I loved, as much as I can love any **** job that will never challenge me (I worked cust serv and sales online and on the phone), and which I'd had for four years. Work at home jobs are hard to find, and do not pay well. This one paid really well for work at home, and now I'm stuck, we spent a fortune moving our tiny bit of stuff up here.

So, that's it. That's my tale. Maybe it doesn't sound as bad as I thought, but right now, at this moment, it feels really bad. And what is getting me is, I'm the strong one. I can make it through ANYTHING!! I don't fall apart. I'm there for everyone. And right now, I can't make it fifteen minutes without crying. I cry in front of my son, which I have NEVER done! I can't stop thinking about my husband--and he passed away 12 years ago! It feels like yesterday, suddenly! I'm so panicked about finding a job--I've never been let go from a job, ever! And I'm just not good :( I know this is my last life, or hopefully it is--I hate saying that to people who aren't Hindu, they act like you are suicidal or something--it isn't anything like that, believe me! I love my life, I love my son, I want a long life, I want to see him have kids, and his kids have kids, etc. But I have had a painful life, and I don't want another! I'm the one who is left behind, the one who survives people--and that is so unbelievably painful!!

To anyone who has made it through this entire post, thank you so much! I know it is probably the longest post ever made here lol. Any support and words of wisdom would be so appreciated!!!!

Thank you!!

[bird*]

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that you have struggled so much. It really couldn't get worse, could it? I don't know what to say, other than try to stay positive and focus on the good stuff. You will get a new job very soon and you will be even stronger than you were before. I tell myself the same thing (I'm also unemployed) and there's nothing you can do really, other than wait it out and trust that the right opportunity will open up.
Good things are going to happen for you and your son! Believe it!

[sunsoul]

That is some story.. Really, reading through it all you can see how you have faced all the challenges head on and survived intact. I think you can take a lot of strength from that.

I think that you will find something because you always have found a way to move forward.. Life doesn't just stop when we stop.

Keep the faith and lots of good metta to you!

Bird and Sun soul:

Thank you so much for your replies! And Bird, never say it can't get worse--I've found it always can lol (Indians are very superstitious lol).

I went to my dr this morning, got meds for depression and anxiety (which I usually try to avoid, but I feel I can't at this point) and an appt for counseling, which I think I desperately need. And I'm sitting down to apply to a million more jobs. Anything will do now, just something that pays, I can look for something decent later.

I guess what has me so down is, I don't really get down. I did after losing my children, but I find that understandable. I bounce back, and I'm really strong. This is the first time I've not been able to just do that, and I don't really understand it.

But I'm sure I will. And, again, thanks for reading my novella--didn't realize quite how long it was until I posted it! I feel very, very alone here, and the support is much appreciated!!

[Faith33]

Kiran....

How I empathize with you and recognise your difficulties regarding your cultural upbringing in the western world...I know this all too well.
You've certainly had your share of tragedies in this lifetime, but haven't had the time to mourn...One can carry so much burden before it becomes too much to bear...even steel is capable of yielding at some point.
Mourn your losses, Kiran...

Sending you much love and keeping you and your precious son in my prayers....(((hugs)))

Originally Posted by Kiran65

Bird and Sun soul:

Thank you so much for your replies! And Bird, never say it can't get worse--I've found it always can lol (Indians are very superstitious lol).

I went to my dr this morning, got meds for depression and anxiety (which I usually try to avoid, but I feel I can't at this point) and an appt for counseling, which I think I desperately need. And I'm sitting down to apply to a million more jobs. Anything will do now, just something that pays, I can look for something decent later.

I guess what has me so down is, I don't really get down. I did after losing my children, but I find that understandable. I bounce back, and I'm really strong. This is the first time I've not been able to just do that, and I don't really understand it.

But I'm sure I will. And, again, thanks for reading my novella--didn't realize quite how long it was until I posted it! I feel very, very alone here, and the support is much appreciated!!

I hope those meds give you the pick-me-up that you need. There isn't a lot I can offer in support other than keep you in my prayers and send you good thoughts.

You come across as one beautifully strong woman, tears and all.

I hope you are able to secure a job soon.
Bless

Thank you guys! Your replies have really helped! It means so much to me!

And the meds made me feel so much better--for a little while, lol. I went from non-stop crying to not crying, which was great! Got some stuff done, and not feeling as bad. I just have to get through this, and I know I'll be fine--I always am. I'm just stunned at how I'm feeling, because this so is not me!! Hope33, I think you're right, I never did mourn my husband, and I think it is just hitting me now--I really think it is the loss of his photographs, I can't get past the fact that we have no pictures of us together :(. And I have no pictures of him at all--I'm hoping I can get some, I'm sure I can, but haven't even started to try. It means I'll have to contact people I haven't wanted to in years; I abandoned all of our old friends, because it was just too painful to deal with them, and I just can't do it yet...

Anyway, I really just wanted to say thank you, and I'm not as bad as I was :).

[bird*]

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and taking steps to deal with all of the stress. Emotions can be a rollercoaster, sometimes. Coming to this website and realizing that there are other people who are also struggling with various issues, is often helpful for me. Sometimes you just need to vent. (:

Thank you, again, Bird! It does help. And, yes, very up and down.

I wish you luck in your job search, too! Very nerve wracking :(.

Hi Kiran -

What stood out to me about your story is not just how strong you've always been, but how aware you are of your strength, of your ability to get through anything. It's a fundamental part of your identity, of who and what you believe yourself to be.

But now, you're finding yourself for the first time in a situation where you are starting to doubt that ability. A basic aspect of your self-image is being chipped away at (rather intensely and violently). When that starts to occur, our instinct is to try to shore it up, to prove that we are indeed exactly who and what we thought we were.

But if you look at it from the perspective of spiritual growth, what would be the point of putting you in a ridiculously difficult and painful situation just so you can prove once again that you can survive again? That belief didn't need reinforcement. What I'm suggesting is that maybe what the universe is trying to do is get you to let go of that belief as an absolute.

You've survived a huge string of tragedies, any one of which might have been enough to break many people, and any combination of which would have broken many more, which is amazing in and of itself. But from what you wrote, it's clear that as you moved through this journey, your tendency was to isolate yourself more and more, to cut family and friends out of your life, to create a situation where you really didn't have to deal with people at all as you worked from home and home-schooled your son. Yes, you survived, and I'm not dismissing that - again, your strength is extraordinary. But maybe the universe is now asking you to be strong in a different way, to be strong enough to let go of your idea of yourself and your tendency to go it alone and instead let others (in real life - your family and friends) see that you're hurting and you're scared and you actually do need them in your life.
Let your son see that it's okay to need others - you'll be doing him a huge favor. The next time you start to cry, don't stop yourself. Just let it come out for as long as it needs to - that's a gift I think you're long overdue to give yourself.

Sure, you could stick with your old patterns and I'm sure you'd survive once again. But I strongly suspect that the universe is trying to get you to consider a different way of being, to open yourself to the possibility of growth even when what you're being asked to grow into is something that SEEMS to be at complete odds with one of your most cherished beliefs about yourself. (It's not really at odds at all; having the strength to let go of our own identity when it no longer serves us is tremendously empowering; it requires us to face our worst fears and most entrenched insecurities, but it's well worth every bit of discomfort in the end).

Anyway, I could be totally off base, but what I've seen again and again on my own journey over the last several years is that the most difficult, most heartbreaking, most terrifying situations that have arisen for me could only be truly successfully resolved by doing what I said I'd never do and being who I said I'd never be, by making choices and holding priorities that I'd previously dismissed as being extremely undesirable, but have turned out to be quite easy and natural. Interestingly, the person that is emerging from all this is far more capable than the old "me" of achieving and maintaining the life my soul actually, as it turns out, desires.