(LONG!) A letter I wrote to him

[anonymous111]

I wrote this letter to him and it felt really liberating, despite the fact that I don't plan on sending it. If you and your TF are separated and you're having trouble coming to peace with things, try it out. Really helped me out. Also, felt like sharing it on here because I think many people are going through the same thing and feelings. Anyways, here it is.

Dear TF (not putting his name in here aha),

I’m really sorry. I read our old conversations and it makes me so upset because things between us used to be good. I now realize that I constantly put the blame on you in my head and I should have taken responsibility for my actions too because the reason it didn’t work out this time around wasn’t only your fault. I regret being so rude to you the last time we talked and I think about it everyday. I think the reason why I lashed out like that was just because I was really hurt—I felt like I was being ignored, I felt like I was the second choice. It always felt like I was the person who you spoke to only when nobody else was up to speak to you or there to hang out, and I was sick of feeling like that. I miss you though, but maybe we’re not supposed to be together. I guess that’s alright. I still wish you the best though. What really got to me the most was that you said that you were making time the last time we discussed everything, but I never heard from you.

I get it. It was also my fault because I began pulling away. It just seemed like, from my perspective, you didn’t want to talk anymore… And that’s okay. But don’t leave me with open wounds if you don’t want to speak anymore. You could just flat out tell me that, I’d understand.

And now, it seems like you want to ask about me to my friend and my sister. If you want to talk, you can reach out to me directly… you know I’ll always be here for you. I didn’t mean what I said whatsoever. When a person says one thing and their actions don’t correlate, it just leaves the other person feeling so confused. You told me you had feelings for me, but you never acted that way. One of the things I’ve learned is that actions really do speak louder than words. I have feelings for you too… I know I had a hard time showing it, that’s one of the things I’ve been working on lately. I think it all stems from my childhood… You know, the basic issues. I never really had anybody there to show me how to express my feelings so I just kept everything inside, but you don’t know that. Sometimes the things that may seem like subtle clues to you are actually big steps for me showing my feelings.

But I’m sorry if I left you feeling hurt at all, I didn’t mean to. I have a tendency to do that—I speak before I think about the consequences. Yeah, that’s another thing I’m working on. When I say those things, I know deep down that I’m going to regret them later, but I say it anyways. I’m quite selfish in that sense really. I’m sorry again. I know sorry doesn’t do anything, but I really can’t even put into words how much I regret it. But the second I said what I said, I regretted it. I think I was just being selfish and I said it for my own sake. You were unintentionally hurting me and you didn’t realize I suppose, but I decided it was time to protect my own heart. I didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore because I kept leaving myself in a position to get hurt over and over again by the same thing that we’d spoken about so many times before.

I think after the thing with her happened I started to have trouble trusting you, and that’s on me. Maybe it’s the fact that my Mom constantly drilled into my head that men will always cheat because of her experience with my Dad. Yup, another thing I have to work on. I have a lot of work to do, and I see that now, but I’m slowly getting there.

My problem was I was still holding onto subconscious resentment towards you in the back of my head, which is why I was so hesitant. I was still angry deep down that you went ghost on me for months before instead of talking to me about what you were going through. You told me you went ghost on everyone, but I saw that you were still in touch with people, and that just made me think that I simply wasn’t an important enough piece in your life for you to stay in touch even through rough times. Maybe that’s just my over analytical feminine side speaking. I now sort of understand that people cope in different ways, so I do truly forgive you for that. I can’t hold onto the past. I wouldn’t reach out first because of my ego—I was afraid you were going to ignore me and I was afraid you were just not going to want to speak. Those were just the vibes I was getting from you, but maybe I was just delusional and it was all in my head. I guess I’ll never know.

I have so much I still want to say, but I get it if you don’t wanna hear any of it or even speak to me again. Good luck—in life and in general because I know you were going through some tough times this year, so I hope you find happiness. I really do wish you the best. And if things are going to end the way things happened the last time we spoke, then I really regret that. But I hope you can feel that I do love you. And I miss you. Maybe after we work on ourselves we’ll meet again. I can already feel my own growth taking place. I’m not holding onto this anger any longer, for my own sake and for yours—it’s keeping me from moving on from the past, and that’s just something I have to do. I already feel more at peace even though I began crying halfway through writing this. I really wish you the best and after everything, I still love you and will always be here for you if you need me.