Withdrawing - is it so bad? What can one do?

I have a tendency to withdraw but I am still, at least thinking in my head I am, kind and considerate and take things as they come.

I found a link on why withdrawing and recognize myself in almost every reason for it but my reason for it now is me being reflective. I realize withdrawing is something I have been up to a lot if hurt etc in the past, I can't help it. I don't know how else to function, it comes natural to me.

here is the article

I do not want other people close to me to feel I am disconnecting or am further away. I reflect on my own because I do not want to burden my loved ones of my issue/s. If it's not a guy's fault then why bring him down with me?

Was recently told by my husband I have been withdrawing for the last few weeks and what is up, and could pin point things to him that are signs I am withdrawing. It had nothing to do with him but he was right; The exact date when this all began was a few weeks ago. I was thinking everything was fine between us while he's been effected by me withdrawing which has not at all been my intention. He thought it was because of him.

The article does not give a solution besides listening to one self. Is there anything else I can do for a loved one when I am being the way I am? I would appreciate your advice :)

I am not even aware that I am withdrawing always, which could be just the thing too. If I am aware I am doing it then of course I could start saying if you feel me withdraw it is because I am reflecting on this issue I have and so on.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I reflect on my own because I do not want to burden my loved ones of my issue/s. ... I was thinking everything was fine between us while he's been effected by me withdrawing which has not at all been my intention. He thought it was because of him.

Maybe this is the crux of the issue. Our partners are not mind readers. They see us withdrawing and they do not know why we are withdrawing. So they try to find a reason why we might be withdrawing and naturally they think it might be because of something which they have said or done. And this affects their behaviour because they don't want to say or do anything which makes it worse.

So perhaps the answer is simple honest communication. If you had simply said to your husband something like "This issue is coming up for me and I need some time to reflect on it," then he understands why you are temporarily withdrawing and he knows that it is nothing to do with him. Then he can give you space and be supportive without worrying about what he might have done to upset you.

But as you say in your second post, you also need to be aware of what is going on within you, recognising your own patterns and tendencies.

Relationships offer so many opportunities for learning.

Peace

[Miss Hepburn]

Is it so bad? Might be unpleasant to those you're shutting out.
It comes natural to you, cuz you're self protecting. Is that bad?
Why expose yourself and be hurt - or why give to people when you are not appreciated - worse,
taken advantage of or taken for granted.
So withdrawing your hand from the hot burner is natural.

You also may be unconsciously realizing you have developed 'standards'...
Conditions for your friendship or prerequisites before opening up
to certain people or all people.

So only those 'worthy' get your heart, the real you.
Something to consider...no solution, tho, sorry.

[Geeta]

Hi asearcher, the type of withdrawl that you are talking about can be a karmic pattern or conditioned behaviors (known as Samskaras - of course this is a deep subject to discuss) but what I observed in your post is that you and your husband had an open communication with each other about the matter. Keep these communication lines open and as 'Iamthat' suggested, you can always tell your husband you need space to avoid misunderstandings.

One can't change the soul's karmic pattern so easily but one can take baby steps like practising mindfulness.

ॐ

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Was recently told by my husband I have been withdrawing for the last few weeks and what is up, and could pin point things to him that are signs I am withdrawing. It had nothing to do with him but he was right; The exact date when this all began was a few weeks ago. I was thinking everything was fine between us while he's been effected by me withdrawing which has not at all been my intention. He thought it was because of him.

Would it help to tell him more of the "why"s on you withdrawing and that it was reflecting nothing personal?

[astralsuzy]

I have learnt it is not good to withdraw from someone. It only makes things worse and can cause resentment. When there are problems it is best to talk about it calmly, no shouting or raising our voice. If the person is angry then I walk out of the room. I would try again later. In the past I have found we have misinterpret things and all we had to do was talk about it. It would have solved the problem.

[RedEmbers]

If it is an otherwise healthy relationship, with plenty of opportunity for growth, understanding and clear communication, then learning about things like Schema Therapy and Attachment styles both online and with specialists well educated on these things can help immensely from personal experience.

Withdrawal is common for Anxious avoidant and also Disorganised attachment styles. I used to be firmly in the anxious acoidant style, however I have noticed very significant change since developing awareness and changing patterned behaviours.

However,
If it is in any way a toxic relationship or a poorly matched relationship, then that's an entirely different thing and I am with Miss Heburn, in some cases, withdrawal is a very normal response when we don't feel safe to be ourselves.

I have used my much more healthy attachment style to not only improve my more balanced relationships, there was also learning within becoming more healthy myself, where I released those ones who were using my own growth to further knuckle down on their own toxicity.

Thank you all very much for your replies, perspectives, you're wise ones :)

[lostsoul13]

I’m quite aloof, I withdraw a lot- confidence and esteem it has too do with I love my own company- I can trust the self unlike pain—- spend more time around people, be open to conversation, practicing with your self in front of mirror, go to busy places get a beer or ice cream: the village where I live (sea side) is always busy on sunny days- if I go walk along promenade I try to sit amongst.. or people at the hostel - try talk and keep conversation…

It’s a defensive mechanism and trust issues with me: and the own company…