Gem and naturesflow, your discourse has been engaging. Thanks for this discussion.
I don't understand Buddhism very well, except at an initial, intuitive level - it is something I am trying to learn more about. I recognize suffering/dukkha (not as the superficial interpretation I see frequently, but the concept behind it that is difficult to transcribe into language).
Meditative practice has never been something I connect to easily. The boy whom had the existential crisis, wondering if he really exists... I grew up with that intensity, had those sort of crises even younger than that. I felt I was walking a line between being and not being - my body was separate but not separate from matter, and I understood this acutely. It was painful but wonderful, and I would have moments of absolute awe of being small and aware. I suspect many children are vulnerable to that experience.
Morality as a focus for a foundation sidesteps what underlies the need for that morality, and it is a basic fear of loss of control. We learn as we get older to reign ourselves in, to respond to consequences, and to avoid pain. This is what prevents me from stillness or openness.
Only once did I allow myself to fully surrender to a "meditative" state. It was guided with a group of people. The purpose was to let go of oneself, to allow yourself to be, to quiet the mind - "let yourself fall away" for the purpose of relaxing. It appeared to be rejuvenating for the others, but it did not have that effect with me. I ripped myself away, and actually believed in my own death. The guide knew something went wrong because I had tears streaming down my face, could not speak for some time, and he didn't understand how it happened. It took me weeks to feel myself again.
I fear my own intensity - what lurks inside, what happens if I let go. Would a foundation be an act of control, or simply finding yourself in purged state where that intensity would no longer be there?
I also grew up in a Christian household and let go of that faith system as a teenager, without much conscious awareness until it was done, and so the awareness was sudden. For me, I didn't feel lost, but liberated. I no longer cared about reward or punishment, something so emphasized in the Protestant culture. Morality became more tangible because it allowed me to navigate my life instead of the promise of my afterlife.
In that sense, I have felt that morality is a tool to govern social behavior, and not a gateway to truth. Unless I am not understanding what the meaning of morality is supposed to be - I mostly hear it used in the context of a code of conduct.
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