It's Time To Move On...

[anonymous111]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

If moving on from a TF were so easy, we'd just jump off the train. End the painful journey. If you can move on, that's amazing, do it. I can't, but because I can't, i'm being forced to deal with things I never would have otherwise. I'm growing in ways I didn't think possible, even though I'm not with him. It's painful, but hopefully it's part of my path to ascension...

I hope I can truly move on for good this time. I wish him the best, but he keeps hurting me in the same way again and I know he's dealing with a lot of issues himself right now. Maybe it's just wrong timing and we both have to deal with our issues before we can be together.

I know during the first separation-- which lasted two months--I was forced to deal with many issues within myself.

But I just don't know if I can handle the pain. I find myself sleeping throughout the whole day because it's unbearable and that's the only way I can cope with this pain.

[anonymous111]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

That's what I've tried to do, pretend I don't care. I've thrown myself into every aspect of life that does not involve him. Travel, redecorating my home, spending time with friends, going to festivals, dating, posting about anything and everything on social media EXCEPT him. Ironically, it's kind of obvious. He's the one thing that matters too much to speak about. But it's possible that he thinks I hate him so much I've basically tried to lobotomize my brain of him. That he's so "unspeakable" I shudder at even remembering him and I push it all out of brain. Everything else, every other old friend, every other ex boyfriend I wax nostalgic about, they all seem to mean more than him because I talk about them opennly and fondly. But no, he means more than all the rest. He probably knows deep down how much I care. And that makes me angry because I feel exposed. And that he's just rubbing his little hands together like, "I still win!" I know he's not evil like that, but still. It feels like a game to see who can not care more. But I can never stop caring. I love him every day and the emotions about him are way deeper than any thoughts I could have analyzing the relationship. They permeate out of my body and my being. My eyes water and tears sneak out. Sometimes without me even really thinking about him. It's my soul remembering, though. I cannot shake him. But yes, I pretend not to care and not to be affected. From all outward appearances, I have a friggin fabulous life without him.

But maybe that's the problem. Maybe the lesson is that you shouldn't pretend like you don't care--if you can't communicate and be open about your feelings, you will never ever get anywhere. I know I've been through so much in my childhood and my twin has forced me to address my fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment. It feels good to be honest about how you feel instead of pretending that you're this cold statue who doesn't need anyone. We don't need to pretend. We need to show affection, and be open books. Until you let your ego die, you're never going to attain reunion. Playing games isn't the way to go x but good luck

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by anonymous111

I hope I can truly move on for good this time. I wish him the best, but he keeps hurting me in the same way again and I know he's dealing with a lot of issues himself right now. Maybe it's just wrong timing and we both have to deal with our issues before we can be together.

I know during the first separation-- which lasted two months--I was forced to deal with many issues within myself.

But I just don't know if I can handle the pain. I find myself sleeping throughout the whole day because it's unbearable and that's the only way I can cope with this pain.

I was there for the first two months of separation. I couldn't get out of bed really and I slept all day. I stopped working. Those first two months were a blur. All I really remember was my bed and talking to one of my friends online and reading articles all day about how to become a woman men won't reject. Oh, and re-reading our chat transcripts 1000 times. It was HELL. I'm so glad I came out of that and I don't think I could deal with such depths of despair a second time. But hopefully I have grown enough in self-union to never experience that again even if he did reject me a second time--or worse than the first time.

[taurusnsane]

"dont care" is self sabotage

if you feel you miss him, you want him, nothing wrong to say that to him

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by taurusnsane

"dont care" is self sabotage

if you feel you miss him, you want him, nothing wrong to say that to him

I've got to get to a place where it won't undo all my progress and tear me apart if he ignores or rebuffs me. So hard to get there. Until I get there, I cannot say anything to him.

I keep hoping he'll contact me first so I won't have to deal with it.

[anonymous111]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

I was there for the first two months of separation. I couldn't get out of bed really and I slept all day. I stopped working. Those first two months were a blur. All I really remember was my bed and talking to one of my friends online and reading articles all day about how to become a woman men won't reject. Oh, and re-reading our chat transcripts 1000 times. It was HELL. I'm so glad I came out of that and I don't think I could deal with such depths of despair a second time. But hopefully I have grown enough in self-union to never experience that again even if he did reject me a second time--or worse than the first time.

Yes, I was the same--extremely closed off from everybody, isolating myself, and staying in bed. I still had school--I'd still see him around and it was absolutely horrible. I couldn't even bring myself to make eye contact with him when I saw him because I felt like he could peer into my soul and see everything I was feeling. I'd go out of my way to avoid seeing him so I wouldn't have to look into his eyes or even when I passed by him I'd pretend I didn't see him. Oh, and rereading the messages--I did that so much, trying to lay my finger on where everything went wrong. I realized I was torturing myself and deleted the message thread, stopped checking his social media, and focused on myself. I started going out with my friends. I never got over him however, he still consumed my thoughts. I would be thinking about him without even realizing it.

And it seems like this time around, I basically experienced dejavu with the way things were going. I was able to foresee the separation from a few weeks away. We went from talking daily to talking less and less and I think we both let our egos go away. I was being childish and ignoring him because I was upset and had trouble communicating which stemmed from my childhood experiences. And he, he was just closed off, acting as if he didn't care. Until last Sunday, I was having a conversation with him, being completely open. We were both being completely open. But I was with my friend so I told him I'd message him when I got home. And I did. But he decided not to respond. Few days later he told a mutual friend of ours that he was having trouble with his feelings, he was feeling numb, like he couldn't feel anything in general, and my relationship and caring to him was helping him feel something again, but "we don't talk anymore (about me&him)." He also said I deserve better than him to the mutual friend.

Anyways, I think what's extremely important is to be open with eachother. Let go of our feat of intimacy with people and just be open. It's very liberating. This time around, the separation is not as horrible as the last time. Last time, I was crying every night. This time, I'm sort of at this odd peace. Because I know that if it's truly meant to be, and once he works on his personal issues, he'll come back around, just as he did last time. xx

[anonymous111]

Originally Posted by taurusnsane

"dont care" is self sabotage

if you feel you miss him, you want him, nothing wrong to say that to him

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with this. We live in this generation where everybody is so consumed with pretending to be heartless and not caring. It's completely okay to be hurt. We don't have to pretend. Took me a long time to realize this, but thanks to my twin, I did. Despite all the pain he's caused me, I'm still grateful I met him. I remember I used to wish we never met, but if I look at it now, I realize that if I hadn't met him, I would never learn to be more open with my emotions, which has been a problem of mine since childhood thanks to my parents and the way I was raised.

[Robinski78]

Well Anonymous... Being a guy, I'm not going to try and provide any answers to your disappointing situation other than to say, that I think it's all quite tragic... I think the ladies have done an admirable job in the way they have answered your questions, thoughts and theories...

What I will say though, is that I admire you, for the way you are handling the situation and the impeccable manner in which you have corresponded... Top marks for that...

I do hope that everything eventually comes to fruition, in a way that is satisfactory in every respect...

Robbie....

[anonymous111]

Originally Posted by Robinski78

Well Anonymous... Being a guy, I'm not going to try and provide any answers to your disappointing situation other than to say, that I think it's all quite tragic... I think the ladies have done an admirable job in the way they have answered your questions, thoughts and theories...

What I will say though, is that I admire you, for the way you are handling the situation and the impeccable manner in which you have corresponded... Top marks for that...

I do hope that everything eventually comes to fruition, in a way that is satisfactory in every respect...

Robbie....

I agree with you in the sense that everything I'm going through is quite tragic right now, but I guess that is life and I have to suck it up. Thank you though.

[LadyMay]

And then you get to the point where you just don't feel anything anymore. Helps a lot.