Looking for an answer

Thanks for the clarity and my heart truly goes out to you. There is nothing more cruel in relationships than leaving someone without closure and that's exactly what she did but never telling you WHY she was breaking contact. The good news is that it doesn't sound like you burnt any bridges. Telling her how you feel even if you were spamming her inbox might not be what she wants to hear but that isn't going to burn any bridges. And if she really didn't want to hear form you I'd think she'd have at least sent 1 emails telling you to leave her alone or goodbye BEFORE she blocked you. In fact most women would send multiple "hints" including "LEAVE ME ALONE THIS IS GOODBYE and even before that you'd usually give several we're just friends first" before they finally elevated things to blocking you. AND if she didn't want to keep getting email after email from you she could have just RESPONDED instead of blocking you which doesn't really send the msg to leave her alone because for all you know a new guy she is dating could have been the one to block you and all she could have been doing is not replying out of not knowing what to say. You just dont' KNOW. This is truly bizzare.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

I've been considering writing her a letter, and what exactly I'd say in it. However, the only guaranteed way I have of it actually reaching her now, would be to mail it to where she works. I also think, if she can tell it's from me, from the outside, she will throw it away unread.

Write it. Than have what you wrote vetted by someone that isn't emotionally involved. This will at least reassure you that you aren't sending her anything you'll regrete which will give you peace of mind if and when she doesn't respond. LOL at her throwing it away. She WILL read what you wrote even if its out of morbid curiousity or the need for an ego stroke. Why do you think she blocked you instead of just marking your email address as spam. She knew she had no self control and WOULD read your emails and I"m sure she felt BAD and uncomfortable by hearing what you were going through. I'm sure as time went on the guilt of how she left only grew and made it even hard to reply.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

I really am at a total loss. I know she has very strong feelings for me still (I'm still overrun with feelings I know are coming from her, all the time, I have multiple dreams about her, every single night, etc).

More reason to write the letter. True lover never gives up and till she tells you to leave her alone I wouldn't stop telling her how I felt granted I'd spreadout my replies so that she doesn't get desensitized from hearing from me. Few times a year is a powerful reminder. 30times/day isn't. If she wants to leave without giving you closure than she can deal with the result which is a guy that the didn't get the "message" to leave her alone. Write that letter.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

And you are right about the zero closure being hard to deal with. Of course, I'm not sure you can have closure with your TF, and I think that's exactly *why* she just leaves, and is unable to tell me to leave her alone, or even to just go away. She actually doesn't want to break the bond, or knows she can't. Hence my looking for an answer from my guides, the universe... I just want to know what's going on, and that she's going to be OK (what I've seen of what's going on with her suggests she is outwardly OK, that anyone who knows her casually would think she's happy, but that she is anything but inside).

You are completely correct in this regard. In fact even with my TF telling me this is goodbye with the closure you lack it still never gave me closure since I could see through her words and read her heart like it was my own. Other than face to face I'd never believe she didn't still love me. I'd need to feel that energy in person and hear the words come from her mouth.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

Oh, and about her thinking I'm angry at her, and that she burned bridges... there's no way that can be. I've sent her so much love and support in messages since, that I am sure she knows I'm not angry, and that I welcome her in my life, at any level. And of course, if you believe in the TF connection, I send her unconditional love and positive energy, every day. I tell her I love her, how wonderful she is, to never give up her dreams. If she feels even 1% of that, then she has no doubt how I feel for her.

Yeah, after you told me you sent her a bunch of heart felt letters after the inital blocking I complete agree that its not her thinking your angry. Other than down the road if she had a change of heart. Ever think about that? A few months, 6months a year from when she last heard from you she all of a sudden has a change of heart. But that fears that she burnt a bridge with you and that too much damage has been done. That allows her to go without contacting you for even more moths which only reinforce her fears. Sure if she's truly a TF eventually she'll be so miserable she'll have no choice to contact you. But would you rather find that out in 10yrs or now? You leaving a trail of bread crumbs makes it much easier for her to overcome her ego and fears and contact you again. Just keep things VERY light since clearly the more feelings you lay on her the harder it will be for her to contact you if she's still running hard.

Originally Posted by SerpentQueen

I will share where my head is at right now, with my own situation, and you can apply it to yours, if any of it fits.

I have not yet blocked him but I'm thinking about doing so. What I am realizing is that I may need to cut all contact, completely and firmly, for my own mental sanity and emotional health. Cold turkey. No cracks in the door left open. Firmly, resolutely. Yeah, even blocking of texts and phone calls.

Why so completely? Because it's like I am an alcoholic when it comes to him. I can't just have one drop, or I slip right back into the bottle. I *thought* I could handle connection with him, as "just friends." But here it is a few years later, and I'm a wreck.

I'm tired of hoping, wishing, second-guessing, rationalizing, fooling myself, and all of that. Remember when I said I'd put down the twin flame theory when it no longer served? I'm *this* close to doing just that. I am beginning to see in the cold light of day that it's just one more clever rationalization to continue torturing myself, to continue drinking the alcohol that is no good for me.

The reality is he just is not that into me, and won't ever be (after 15 years of this? no). Even in the most charitable light possible-- that he does love me -- it's clear he's not into me enough to get over his personal demons. He does not love me ENOUGH. It's that simple. He does not return the feelings like I do. If he did, he'd have come to visit me by now. He hasn't.

It's just too painful, to put my own guard down, to have him do his whole dance where he doesn't say no, but he doesn't say yes either. It's always "maybe" .. it's always "someday."

I deserve so much better, I do.

So yeah. I can understand the sudden and unexplained blocking of all contact. It's not you, it's her. If I did it, it'd be for my own protection. To stop this maddening roller coaster once and for all. And, I realize if I do this, it can't be temporary. It has to be permanent. For the rest of my life. I can't have an occasional friendly email. I can't attempt to be "just friends." I've proven over 15 years of history that is impossible. Maybe that makes me weak... so be it. I am weak.

Or maybe cutting all contact, just like that, forever -- maybe that makes me strong?

What could he do to change my mind? It's not a pile of emails and frantic texts. Nope. It'd have to be the Grand Gesture. Getting on a plane, showing up at my doorstep, and talking to me face to face. Even then, it'd take me awhile to trust it.

But that isn't going to happen. So where does that leave me? All I can control is my own self. Blocking and cutting all contact, is controlling what I can control. Accepting the things I cannot change, is prudent for my own serenity. And his, too ... assuming he does care. I really don't know the truth on that anymore. I may only be his ego boost. His possibility. His muse. His maybe. His someday.

It would take me a long, long time to move on. I know it would. But the moving on is much faster if one goes cold turkey.

So yeah, I can understand why she did it. She probably figured she was firmly in the friend zone, the maybe, the someday zone with you. That if you truly loved her, wild horses wouldn't keep you away. Then there's also the practical matter of how far away you live, and all of that. She probably sucked so many emotional resources into you, she stopped living her life there in NZ. She chose to start living again.

You just took the UN out of Unconditional. I hear what you're saying but can't you see how this is all coming from you ego? This isn't about protecting yourself since if you loved him unconditionally you'd have nothing to fear. Its the fear of what your EGO is demanding and not getting that is placing all these conditions. "Grand Gesture". I'll I've ever needed was "hello".

Originally Posted by awakeningheart

Right there with you SQ..it's taken me over 20 years but you are right - it's time to stop for me too. Not because I want to but because I have to, for my own sanity. I guess it's called 'letting go'.

For me this will be the true test of my connection with TF. If we can let go completely, we can heal ourselves enough to return.

Nah, I don't believe that either. I'm sorry, that is just a nice story we like to tell ourselves. I did that - I let go. But then he managed to get under my skin again. It's NEVER going to happen. I'm incapable of it.

Really, the alcoholic analogy is perfect: an alcoholic can't quit drinking for years and years, consider themselves healed enough to "return" to social drinking. One drop and they're deep in the bottle again. I am like this with cigarettes. I long ago realized I can never have even one puff of a cigarette-- or I'll be chain smoking again. Yes I can "let go" and give up smoking for years on end -- I've done it. It's that puff. I can't do it. EVER.

So, yes, let go. But no, not "to return." I have to let go forever. For the rest of my life. I will never be able to handle the occasional sip or puff of contact with him. It just opens it all up all over again, and sends me riding my own personal roller coaster and into my own circle of hell.

And, this realization makes me horribly sad. It's the very last thing I want. But, what can I do?

To truly let go, you can't do it expecting it's a maneuver, a strategy to get them to finally come back to you. Nope. That's why WW's TF closed all the doors so firmly. That's why she didn't forewarn him either. Leaving open a crack, or forewarning him, would have meant she was doing it for shock value to get his attention and get a reaction. When you really let go, you don't do those things. You just drop the end of your chain. Completely. And walk away, without explanation. And never pick up that chain again, ever.

Letting go means never again.

Ughhhhhh

Originally Posted by BeautifulLife

You just took the UN out of Unconditional. I hear what you're saying but can't you see how this is all coming from you ego? This isn't about protecting yourself since if you loved him unconditionally you'd have nothing to fear. Its the fear of what your EGO is demanding and not getting that is placing all these conditions. "Grand Gesture". I'll I've ever needed was "hello".

I love myself enough to stop putting myself through this grief, to stop torturing myself. I am allowed to love myself too, am I not? I treat him better than I treat my own self. I've got to stop that. (slaps own hand).

Take the alcoholic analogy and apply it here. How do you love a bottle of wine unconditionally? LOL. Think about it! If you're an alcoholic you drink it all down unconditionally and your liver suffers for it.

I admit I have my own fears -- but we haven't even got that far. This is about his fears, not mine. I love him unconditionally enough to concede he may never get over his own fears. In the meantime, I need to protect myself and be good and kind and loving to myself.

The "Grand Gesture" part is equivalent of having the bottle of wine show up, and being shown that the label is marked "non-alcoholic."

Besides, you very well know you're going to get on a plane someday and make your own Grand Gesture. That's what people do when they are in love. I'm happy for you and yours, but I'm not seeing it, over here, and doubt I ever will.

Originally Posted by SerpentQueen

So yeah, I can understand why she did it. She probably figured she was firmly in the friend zone, the maybe, the someday zone with you. That if you truly loved her, wild horses wouldn't keep you away. Then there's also the practical matter of how far away you live, and all of that. She probably sucked so many emotional resources into you, she stopped living her life there in NZ. She chose to start living again.

I completely understand why you would do it, in your situation... but she's not in the same situation. I am "in to" her, as much as a person possibly can be, and she knows it. The last thing I sent her, before truly losing it, was a careful crafted list of 100 reasons I loved her, and they weren't generic things like "you're funny" either. They were very deep, meaningful things. I did not take things beyond friendly talk the time she came back because I knew she would leave if I did. No, what she is scared of, is being loved. I also told her, back when we were together, and since, that I would move anywhere in the world for her, and she knows I would have.

As for flying to see her... I would do that in a millisecond, if I thought there was any chance she would react positively to it.

Originally Posted by BeautifulLife

Thanks for the clarity and my heart truly goes out to you. There is nothing more cruel in relationships than leaving someone without closure and that's exactly what she did but never telling you WHY she was breaking contact. The good news is that it doesn't sound like you burnt any bridges. Telling her how you feel even if you were spamming her inbox might not be what she wants to hear but that isn't going to burn any bridges. And if she really didn't want to hear form you I'd think she'd have at least sent 1 emails telling you to leave her alone or goodbye BEFORE she blocked you. In fact most women would send multiple "hints" including "LEAVE ME ALONE THIS IS GOODBYE and even before that you'd usually give several we're just friends first" before they finally elevated things to blocking you. AND if she didn't want to keep getting email after email from you she could have just RESPONDED instead of blocking you which doesn't really send the msg to leave her alone because for all you know a new guy she is dating could have been the one to block you and all she could have been doing is not replying out of not knowing what to say. You just dont' KNOW. This is truly bizzare.

This is what I've always thought too. If she really, in her heart, wants no contact... why wouldn't she say that, or ask for that? Reply at least once? Her "hint", apparently, was talking to me non-stop for 4 hours as her last contact. LOL. She knows me well enough by now, to know that being ignored drives me crazy, and will only cause more messages, forever.

Write it. Than have what you wrote vetted by someone that isn't emotionally involved. This will at least reassure you that you aren't sending her anything you'll regrete which will give you peace of mind if and when she doesn't respond. LOL at her throwing it away. She WILL read what you wrote even if its out of morbid curiousity or the need for an ego stroke. Why do you think she blocked you instead of just marking your email address as spam. She knew she had no self control and WOULD read your emails and I"m sure she felt BAD and uncomfortable by hearing what you were going through. I'm sure as time went on the guilt of how she left only grew and made it even hard to reply.

Another thing I've always thought. I've assumed she DOES read what I send her (the stuff that gets through), whether she claims otherwise or not. On some level, she enjoys getting them. Actually, the medium I sent her messages by, after she left me the first time, was a forum's PM system, for the first month or so. She was totally inactive there... yet, within an hour of me sending one, she would show up there. Every single time. LOL. Never a reply, but always read.

More reason to write the letter. True lover never gives up and till she tells you to leave her alone I wouldn't stop telling her how I felt granted I'd spreadout my replies so that she doesn't get desensitized from hearing from me. Few times a year is a powerful reminder. 30times/day isn't. If she wants to leave without giving you closure than she can deal with the result which is a guy that the didn't get the "message" to leave her alone. Write that letter.

This is getting redundant, but I agree again... I love her, and I refuse to believe that hearing that once in a while can possibly be a BAD thing. If she sent me a thought out message, telling me she did not want to hear from me, I would stop. She's not done that. To this day, her last words were friendly. I plan to still, at the least, send something for her birthday, and a couple other times a year. I've even told her in previous messages, that the way this is going, is her doing. Her silence, creates more messages. I've told her, all she has to do is say "enough", and that's the end of it. She hasn't.

You are completely correct in this regard. In fact even with my TF telling me this is goodbye with the closure you lack it still never gave me closure since I could see through her words and read her heart like it was my own. Other than face to face I'd never believe she didn't still love me. I'd need to feel that energy in person and hear the words come from her mouth.

It's funny you mention face-to-face. I know a Skype video call isn't physical contact, but it's sort of face-to-face. We did one of those, shortly after she came back the second time. She had to convince me to turn my own video feed on. She nearly begged me to. I finally did, and she just got quiet, and in a small voice, said "....awww, hi Adam". She hadn't seen my face in a year, til then. That one reaction, and the look on her face, ended any thought I had, that her feelings were gone.

Yeah, after you told me you sent her a bunch of heart felt letters after the inital blocking I complete agree that its not her thinking your angry. Other than down the road if she had a change of heart. Ever think about that? A few months, 6months a year from when she last heard from you she all of a sudden has a change of heart. But that fears that she burnt a bridge with you and that too much damage has been done. That allows her to go without contacting you for even more moths which only reinforce her fears. Sure if she's truly a TF eventually she'll be so miserable she'll have no choice to contact you. But would you rather find that out in 10yrs or now? You leaving a trail of bread crumbs makes it much easier for her to overcome her ego and fears and contact you again. Just keep things VERY light since clearly the more feelings you lay on her the harder it will be for her to contact you if she's still running hard.

This is another reason, other than the closure thing, that I'll never stop occasionally reaching out to her, unless she tells me to stop. I'm never going to leave any doubt in her mind, that my feelings for her are as strong and true as ever.

Wow, as much as most people here understand this, I don't think I've ever had anyone quite understand my own reactions to her (in)actions, as much as you do. Thanks, lol.

Originally Posted by SerpentQueen

I love myself enough to stop putting myself through this grief, to stop torturing myself. I am allowed to love myself too, am I not? I treat him better than I treat my own self. I've got to stop that. (slaps own hand).

Take the alcoholic analogy and apply it here. How do you love a bottle of wine unconditionally? LOL. Think about it! If you're an alcoholic you drink it all down unconditionally and your liver suffers for it.

I admit I have my own fears -- but we haven't even got that far. This is about his fears, not mine. I love him unconditionally enough to concede he may never get over his own fears. In the meantime, I need to protect myself and be good and kind and loving to myself.

The "Grand Gesture" part is equivalent of having the bottle of wine show up, and being shown that the label is marked "non-alcoholic."

Besides, you very well know you're going to get on a plane someday and make your own Grand Gesture. That's what people do when they are in love. I'm happy for you and yours, but I'm not seeing it, over here, and doubt I ever will.

Loved your alcoholic analogy. Let me us that one as well. An alcoholic's weakness is self control. That being said the alcoholic learns how to over come his weakness by NOT putting him/her self into a situation where their self control would be tested. Let alone tested beyond most peoples limitations that don't even have an addiction. Remeember how I met my TF and why I met her? I was running from my addiction of women by avoiding situations where I'd run into situations that would test my vulnerabilities. Not saying I can't keep my #$@% in my pants but when I'm going 6weeks inbetween seeing my GF who's totally withdrawn emotionally I recongnize that I'm vulnerable if I got out and get ****faced in a bar. So just like the alcoholic I avoided situation that would test my weakness.

So where does that leave you? Exactly with the same game plan you layed out for us. Cut contact move on, ect. Does this strategy sound familiar? Haven't you seen this same game plan go up in smoke time and time again. I DO agree if you can actually FOOL youself that you're done for GOOD no matter what he or she does than great. But the connection never allows that for whatever reason. A "grand gesture"? You already left the door open on your way out thinking you were moving forward. LOL. Your ego is completely clouding your judment today. Move forward all you want. Give me hope. Please.

Also unlike the alcoholic analogy the alcoholic is on a path of self destruction. Unless you want to consider the contribution of art by rock stars. The TF path has shown me a LOT of pain but it was never a painful experience. It was only my reaction to the growth, fear, confusion and my ego's desire to control something that was beyond my control. It was like I was put back into a baby seat in a car. I want to F'in DRIVE! Our ego is was inflicts this pain in order to control our growth. But in the end we're going to grow regardless unlike the alcoholic.

Life can change in a second. This is one of the logical reasons why I dont' beat myself up for having hope in a seamingly hopeless place. I know a million LIFE changing things could happen to my TF any sec which would drive her back into my arms or at least open that path up. Its just a matter of devine timing. Or a matter of both of us being single. Our energy fields are a F'in mess and neither of our TF's are even ready to see us single let alone believe it.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

I The last thing I sent her, before truly losing it, was a careful crafted list of 100 reasons I loved her, and they weren't generic things like "you're funny" either. They were very deep, meaningful things.

Can you maybe see why a girl that might have been temorarily confused or conflicted might run even FASTER with what you sent her? I know it comes from the heart but think about it for a minute (i know you have for months but walk through this with me). It's like someone thats afraid of sharks thats inching into the ocean and you just swam up underneth the water and grabbed her from behind. She was running from intimacy and you were blowing her down with a firehose of intimacy. This is more the reason why you have to write the letter. Who knows where here head is at. Maybe the daze has worn off by now and she just doesn't want to deal with the drama of contacting you. I did the SAME thing for 3yrs. My TF contacted me for 4months and I refused to reply. Than she stopped and I regreted not replying ever sec since.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

As for flying to see her... I would do that in a millisecond, if I thought there was any chance she would react positively to it.

Same here buddy. But than again. Why aren't we? FEAR. Write that letter and if that doesn't give you closure I'll fly out with you to confront her. We can than stop by Norway on our way back.

[Teal]

This is why I love this forum. raw honesty. No **. tell it like it is. I am sure you can fool yourself for a while but reality will kick in.... This tf stuff really makes one take a hard look at themselves. It is too bad that some people can't have this experience to see them selves. Some just need a wake up call.

I am glad to see that some of you on here have seen the light and taken steps to improve your selves and go get that tf. :)

SQ - I have always valued yr opinion - I like yr style :) however a little while back I begun noticing that the boxes u had so carefully placed around you was yr protection - u cannot have the boxes and still be free to stand naked in full surrender - I understand the fear of feeling like u have ticked all the boxes, got it all sorted and still the questioning and doubt remains. There are no boxes that will fully protect us - there is no protection - your soul chose this journey find your lesson - find your truth xxxx

No need to respond i didn't write it to debate - just my musing - if I'm wrong so be it and ignore what I said. I only said it because even tho u rub me up the wrong way it is something I respect in u xox