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Originally Posted by ForgedInFire
Hi there this deserves a good response and i'll do my best to tell you what you are looking for.
Yes she is a living person and altho unaware at the time i was involved with her for over 6 years including times of separations. I am not the runner nor have i ever been one.. she is and has done so more then once. With this lat time she has betrayed me cruelly all for a serial cheating psychopath who abuses her) and most likely infects her with std's). I do not like feeling her self hatred and "worthlessness" i do not like being reminded of her at all as when i am.. this is all i remember about her now.
i cant answer for him sorry. But there are things you might consider such as.. do you just "bring up" any of his wounding and doesnt like being reminded and blames you as the cause of these things? Remember we arent always actively trying to but somehow it just happens
It might be possible that he does feel that way..but usually behavior is a fairly good indicator for it. But the thing is for me.. its a metaphysical bother to me. there are ways to stop such physical interactions really easy.. but no apparent way to stop metaphysical ones..not that ive found how to yet.
Thank you i appreciate this sentiment. I hope my reply has helped you in some way.
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Thank you for your reply I appreciate it.
Believe it or not, I understand you, I understand where you are coming from, where your pain and posts are coming from.
I remember reading your posts, in a last less than a year I lurked and read a lot on this forum (read probably more than half a content ever written on tf in here), usually I'm reading when I feel ok, and I write when I'm feeling really desperate.
(for example now, hour ago I sobbed and pulled my hair from the pain - it would be tacky to describe how much pain I feel, and sometimes it is so intense I feel like I'm drowning... it's bad that's all I'm gonna say. I'm in the middle of trying to sever this connection in real life, using real life means)
Im sorry this is gonna be long post, Ill answer your question and write some more.
Do I just bring up his wounds (and possible self worth etc.) yes and no.
I have to explain this (my story has to have some educational meaning for others, it has, that's why Im writing it)
After five years of mostly phone connection I had with him, pure spiritual love and pure emotional love and everything like that.... we started a relationship in which he asked me to lend him one fifth of my inheritance about $10k... doing it so he made me question our relationship "is he with me cause of me or he feels obligated since he took my money". After that we were in a sort of relationship for two and a half years, his wife knew about it. His walls, his boundaries were bigger, insaner and crazier than ever, his hot and cold games..
Sometimes he would act like I'm his worse enemy, can you imagine that ?
Me 18 years younger than him, a girl with pure heart and good intentions admittedly with lots of passion for him in a physical way, but also a girl who just lend him one fifth of her inheritance to him, a girl who changed her financial life plans to give him money, a girl whose looking at him as a god, a most handsome attractive human, a girl whose appreciate him, who loves him more than her own life. He sometimes, not always, but sometimes, acted like I'm his own worse enemy.
Yeah I was clingy and emotional wreck,sometimes, but still...the way he would act sometimes his barriers his hot and cold games... like you are dealing with your worse enemy.
Well, one day, I had it enough (lots of arguments before and I felt betrayed as a human being) and guess what--- I got him and his wife both fired. They lost their jobs cause of me.
Can you imagine that? I betrayed him. I did, i know that that is my responsibility and I did. I'm sorry if other readers find this offensive to be on spiritual forums, I'm sorry I'm not writing this to offend others, I'm writing my story to take a part of this burden off me and possibly help somebody reading this to not act like me.
That is the thing about him acting like I'm his own worse enemy before, I gave him a real life reason to see me as his worse enemy at the end.
Ten years of no contact passed.
Lately I was trying to reconcile, now I'm trying to find most severe ways to severe this once again in real life, with real life means. (gossip a little, let others know what he did)
I dont know if I'm going to go thru this plan, but so far Im thinking of it.
So here we are now my dear, sometimes angry Forge. :) I'm gonna be honest and tell you I understand you I understand that you dont want to love her, or think of her, or be reminded of her - same with me and him.
Some of this ten years I spend emotionally numbed and I literally hypnotized myself with a idea that we are going to reconcile once a seven years pass (since he once half jokingly said something about seven years term..). See I did, I literally hypnotized myself , without knowing it I used every tool of Law of Attraction, before even knowing what that is, I was absolutely 100percent sure that once we pass seven years mark, things are going to work out for us.
Tricky thing for me then was to make it, to literally physically survive for seven years, and I did.
So power of positive thinking, using law of attraction tools, feeling good on the inside to manifest things on the outside blahblah well this did not worked out for me.
Did I loved him all those years? Yes I did, I even literally from the bottom of my heart forgave him how he treated me while we were together , how he used my money , his walls his games, everything... I know I forgave him for that.
But I just cant forgive him ignoring me. This, now after all those years I expected him to say something, whatever even that he hates me that he always did, or to admit that he was in it for the money, or that he started hating me later cause of job loss or whatever, I just wanted him to say something- but he ignored me on all soc. media, blocked me, changed his phone number. At first I felt like he is trying to delete me, delete my existence (I know it is silly, Im not religious, but it was like he is trying to delete me from book of life or how they call this list of living souls, and I'm not even religious_, i just felt destroyed. )
Dear Forge, I read a lot about love, spiritual love, soul love, love that comes from within your heart and spreads around letting you feel good, feel loved and love others and generally feel - good. And I'm sure they are right.
Last year, it was his birthday, I felt compassionate, I felt love and sat down start writing him a email
(I accidentally discovered his email address using this fb trick to partially find email address and figured out the rest last name-initial, it is not even like he gave that to me, can you imagine the dept of my despair)
So as I start writing that email, I wrote to him that I dont hate him, never did, that I forgive him all and I wrote that I used to be angry with him a lot, but somehow I realized I'm angry at my self too and I wrote him that he shouldn't be afraid of love, I described shortly that feeling of just being burden-free, weightless.
And I swear to god (and bear in mind Im not a religious nor a spiritual person), as I wrote it my heart start opening more and more, start fluttering unnaturally (and even though Im sounding like a idiot in English , I have my of share of general knowledge, and trust me if I say it wasn't anything naturally , anything that you can describe in medical or psychological terms).
After I finished email I press send and more and more this unnatural feeling of my heart wanting to burst out of my chests was there, I felt like my heart is expanding like literally expanding and wants to burst of my chests, I felt so much joy and compassion to everything and everybody, I felt like I can fly and this amount of pure love and joy, this love I cannot explain it to you , I never felt that before.
Half of hour later, I got this feeling knowing that he read it and that his heart feels the same, I felt his love (it is so strange to say that, in real life he acts like a coldest person as you all know by now)
This feeling of heart expanding, this feeling of heart fluttering with so much joy and love, pure love , it lasted for a few days, next day after I woke up I felt great, the fluttering wasn't so strange or unnatural I felt so good, ... after couple of days , after doing my usual route of gooling his name to see is there anything publicly he shared or liked or anything to tell me more about his state, I saw him liking a post in a page of a company his wife is working. And it that moment my heart just sunk in.
I felt like a idiot, for me it all was a lie, all that spiritual mambojambo about heart chakra and pure love and all that jazz, I pity myself like some derange deluded teenager hoping and dreaming... Can a silly social media like cause a spiritual love to be evaporate, can a fb like cause heart chakra to stop , you may ask ironically since obviously this is too simplified, but it wasn't about that like, it was about everything beneath that, all those years, all those pain, everything he did to me and I did to him...
After that, I realized that I cannot love him. I dont have this type of love in me, I asked and researched all types of love, spiritual one, unconditional one ..
I realized that I just dont have that in me, and strangely I realized that it wasn't his act of using me for my money or his walls and hot and cold games that made me hate him, it was just his ignoring.
It wasn't his years of enjoying with his wife without even asking me how am I doing.
If I would just to have some kind of help, as I liked to say some kind of miracle (something I would personally consider miracle in my real life) something, that would help me, I could maybe overcome this hatred, but for now there isn't anything for me...
You can ask why would I chose hatred after I experienced this heart (almost) opening thing... Well, I guess Im a much of the skeptic and type of person who cannot accept that for the only proof to hold on and wait for him.
Lately I'm literally choosing hate towards him. Plain and simple I feel huge amount of resentment towards him ignoring me. Also, I feel lots of anger towards god, universe, who ever whatever there is...
They say soul choose to be born in this particular life. Well, guess what? - my soul is a some kind of idiot then, choosing to be born in this circumstances, not just to yearn about this guy, but overall circumstances.. -- oh something is telling me that my soul is a first class idiot and me, my ego or my body whatever you would call that I dont know, dont want to listen to this idiot anymore... (I'm sort of kidding, to be quite honest I'm not sure about souls and stuff, jokingly I would even say if there are something as TF, he got 0.000001 of a soul and I got everything else, basically he is a soulless one)
So psychologically, I feel I would be better off in my every day to day life if I would just to hate and resent him. I dont have a powers or wisdom or will to use any kind of positive thinking type of techniques any more, I dont want to make any effort about anything any more , especially not about him. And if I feel that effort for me is to think positive , to not give in to hatred, to direct my thoughts from thinking about bad things he did to something good, then I refuse to make any effort at all.
So that is why I'm trying to severe this connection in real life yet again. I want to write to some of the people we know about what happened, I want him to be embarrassed and hurt once again when he find out that others are familiar whit our story.
Psychologically I want to emotionally hurt him, to embarrass him, I want to be annoyance, to him, nuisance to him cause he's ignoring me and you would ignore just a person who is nuisance to you.. So if I already got to be treated as nuisance I'm gonna start acting like one.
I'm sorry if this sounds immature and not appropriate for spiritual forum, I just feel this way.
Wanted to post topic about hatred and can it help us in real life, in our every day life if we would to do, literally to do and act in a way to severe this connection in real life. - but i didn't post that thread I know people wouldn't respond to that.
I was wondering, Forge, if you dont mind me asking, do you think you would feel better if you would to severe your connection in real life, for example cutting her off once she calls or telling people of what she did, or doing anything to annoy her in real life.
Sorry everyone for a long post, Ill post it now so that I dont accidentally delete something, Ill try to edit spelling mistakes in a few minutes. Thanks for reading.
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