I stated in another thread that my twin flame had recently married a (toxic) person.
The thing is, is that I feared that he would - a lot. I would have faith in him not doing so, but then that faith would falter when I would hear about whatever inane and unhealthy stuff she had him doing.
Things were actually relatively good for us - even with her in his life - as he kept her at bay and had broken up with her for a time. But, somewhere along the way, things changed and had gone awry.
I cannot help but think that part of that is because of me - maybe even a
large part of it. I felt so much had been put upon me and I couldn't always handle the load. I'd even had guides tell me, it was 'largely dependent' on me and had them warn me (repeatedly) to 'get it together.'
Last December, I fell into a deep depression. I usually crawl out of these seasonal depressions once spring hits but this time, I never did. So then, the fears got worse, the worries, the doubts and all the anxiety. I wasn't even enjoying meditation because I was often seeing disturbing, unnerving things much of the time (which was unusual for me). So, I'd lapsed in meditating and in other aspects of my spiritual practice too (including positive creative visualization).
I also feel that, to mirror my downward spiral, my twin started to 'lose it' in his own right: too much alcohol, probable drug use, keeping company with 'her people' who are shady, sychophant sorts, caring less about his career (which was once so important to him) as well as his appearance, etc., etc. He stopped evading her and started giving in to her more and more. He had become dispassionate and 'removed' somehow.
I once was told by a dream guide in regards to my twin flame:
"You mustn't forget him. You must never forget him. You are his teacher. He needs your help. Once he gets the hang of things, they will become second nature to him."
So, again with all that responsibilty having been placed upon me when I already have A LOT of responsibility (in my day-to-day life) and struggle with depression and anxiety (which then mkakes it hard to fulfill said responsibilities). I know we are believed to 'volunteer' for these unions before we incarnate, but what if we are profoundly flawed to begin with? I fathom it makes the road
that much harder to contend with. I did not have the best conditioning while growing up (my father was a very negative person who verbally and emotionally abused me, while my mother drank in order to cope with him). For instance, I still cannot seem to fully love myself. I am striving to each and every day of my life, but often I regress into my old self-destructive, negative ways. I guess I was not ready to handle my responsibility to my twin - all things considered.
Thus, I guess I'm blaming myself now because of that and for thinking and feeling my fears into a reality. Frankly, I've become an expert at that. If I want something and it's good - it often does not happen unless it is something smaller, more frivolous, and that I am not so emotionally bent on having. In contrast, I can manifest bad things in as little as a day - or two (not that I'm bragging on that front. Hardly! Heh.).
His marrying her was my greatest fear for a long time and it's happened (but I guess the up-side to that, is that
because it's happened, I don't have to worry about it happening anymore.). But, it got to the point where I started to feel indifferent to him and what he did due to how he seems to have changed - and not to my liking. I'll admit I've downright been repulsed by him when I once felt nothing of the sort.
Or, maybe my twin was always like this and his now-wife just brought it to the surface. In that instance, I guess I really 'dodged a bullet.' Do I really believe that though? No, uh-uh, I don't. But he definitely seems to have changed - even down to the look in his eyes. The spark in them is gone and it has been for a while.
And I don't want to feel guilty about this, because that's not going to help me succeed in my quest toward self-love, now is it?
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