I Still Struggle With Feeling Left Behind
I picked up a book last night called "Do We Meet Again" Judging by the book's title, I thought perhaps it would bring me some comfort. But I felt quite sad and heartbroken after reading a few descriptions of the afterlife.
The author, a man who wrote the book during the last year of his life, explained that when a person dies, s/he usually quickly embraces their new existence on the other side because everything there is infinitely better and more beautiful than on earth, and all relationships there are overwhelmingly more beautiful and satisfying than the ones that the person had on earth. Because of the abundance of joy and beauty there, the person rapidly loses interest in their earthly existence, and looks forward to the new avenues of soul exploration.
I think it is wonderful that everything in the spirit world is so beautiful, but when I read how the soul enjoys much better and more beautiful relationships in the spirit world, I admit....my feelings of abandonment are triggered. I feel heartbroken thinking that my basic human offering of love cannot compare to what Matt is receiving now in the spirit world. I feel so left behind---unimportant, small, and forgotten......
I still feel like I am in a relationship with Matt----- I talk to him, tell him I love him and miss him so much. I must think about him about 98% of my waking life, and then I also dream about him, not as frequently now, but I still do. I dedicate all my enjoyable activities to him......
I have this hope in my heart that I will see Matt again, embrace him, hold him to my heart....I imagine that we will reunite and look just as we did here, that it will be as if we never said goodbye.
But am I the only one who cares this much? Maybe Matt sees me differently now.......I have written about this a lot, I know, but every now and then I get so scared.
Do I have to let go of this need to feel important to Matt, to feel like I am his one-and-only? His twin flame soulmate? We used to write poems and stories about this....we used to talk about this all the time. Matt would always tell me I was his twin flame, that he could never live without me......I know things have changed now, and I am left here in the physical, and Matt has transitioned. I am still struggling with that...........So many questions, fears, and sadnesses.
So many yearnings.....I wish so much I could have loved you longer here in the physical, dear Matt......I want to love you as a human loves another human.