Building a Relationship with my Brother

[Silver]

Originally Posted by Joseph123

It is additionally stressing because I recognize what a golden opportunity this is for us to become friends. In fact, it is probably our only chance, as I anticipate that we will end up on opposite ends of the country when we graduate in a year and a half or so. I feel that we must put down the roots of a good relationship if we are to be anything more than Christmas guests in each others' homes as adults.

He's most likely picking up on your stress about that. He probly feels the anxiety you have to 'become closer' brothers. It probly feels unnatural and hence, his discomfort around you. *shrug* Maybe.....just my 2 cents.

[Belle]

Forging relationships can be very perverse. I used to desperately want my mother's approval. I visited, I rang, I did everything I could to try and please her. I then realised (from what she said) that nothing would work, that she would always regard me as second best.

I've backed off hugely. Now she rings me, she cares, she is wanting to be there for me.

I wish I had backed off some 20 years ago and let her come to me. I'm not sure what to do with it now she is coming to me.

My point? Let him come to you. It may take a while. But make yourself available for him should he ever need you and let him do the running. It's very very hard.

[Joseph123]

One notable thing that I'd like to get your take on is this: Sometimes, as I have observed over the past couple of days; when my brother enters the room and we begin having a conversation, I instantaneously begin to suffer from rather acute shallowness of breath. I therefore almost do not want to speak, almost as though I don't think I have the lung capacity to physically do so.

[Silver]

Originally Posted by Joseph123

One notable thing that I'd like to get your take on is this: Sometimes, as I have observed over the past couple of days; when my brother enters the room and we begin having a conversation, I instantaneously begin to suffer from rather acute shallowness of breath. I therefore almost do not want to speak, almost as though I don't think I have the lung capacity to physically do so.

From what you said earlier about it (developing a relationship with your brother) you view it as your 'last chance' to do so and it's created too much stress - those expectations you have / goal is too much for you to bear and you've put this on yourself because your belief is that it IS the last chance to create a relationship - plus from a couple of the other threads I've read, you had strained relation with your dad , etc.

It seems like most people are mild to strongly suggesting that you ought to try backing off a considerable amount with your brother because it has seemingly had the opposite effect from what you were going for.

Has anyone suggested you try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) yet? It could help.
I've used it and I think it helps me.

Originally Posted by Joseph123

Thank you very much for your response.

My brother is an atheist. He would laugh at the prospect of reincarnation and has probably never even considered it. Therefore, how could he possibly deal with a past life issue? For that matter, I don't think most people believe in reincarnation. How could any of those people deal with past life issues?

They might not be able to deal with past life issues if they don't believe in reincarnation.........but its not really his issues that should really concern you. I mean I can understand why you would be concerned but it seems like you are more focused on him rather than yourself. You have talked about everything that has frustrated you about him. Have you ever stopped to think about the possibility that there is an issue he might have with you but he just might not be vocal about it? It seems you are more intent to change him rather than focusing on yourself. The only person you can change is you. I know someone who has always been quick to psycho-analyze everyone else but if you addressed something that was wrong with her, she insists there is nothing wrong with her, just everyone else. You would be surprised at how often we are mirrors to one another and sometimes the person who you believe has issues with is really the one that reflects issues you are struggling with yourself.

Even if he didn't believe in reincarnation, you could always undergo past-life regression yourself and see if you can find a past-life root of the issues you struggle with now. You might have a better understanding of how to resolve it if you do.

Originally Posted by Joseph123

One notable thing that I'd like to get your take on is this: Sometimes, as I have observed over the past couple of days; when my brother enters the room and we begin having a conversation, I instantaneously begin to suffer from rather acute shallowness of breath. I therefore almost do not want to speak, almost as though I don't think I have the lung capacity to physically do so.

If you can't trace your reaction to something significant that happened to you in this life, then that sounds like a past-life issue.

I have reported someone I knew who was a rapist to the police that I have a past-life connection to. I remember interacting with this guy and I enjoyed talking to him as long as he stood a small distance away from me. When he got too close, I instantly got scared. I would back up and he would always step closer to me. He didn't respect my need for space because I would step back again and he would step closer to me again. I always had this nagging fear that he would ask me for a ride home from work. I tried to rationalize the fact that he was someone I knew so therefore I should be able to trust him but my instincts won out and I knew that if I didn't trust him, it was for a reason. When he stepped too close to me, it triggered a past life memory where I was raped by him like his victim in this life except I believe in the past life, he killed me as well and got away with it. So in this life, I reported him to not only prevent him from doing the same thing to me again (in this life), but to prevent him from doing the same to anyone else. I think in the past life, I trusted him even when my instincts told my not to so my karmic lesson in this life was to trust my instincts and they served me well.

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

Has anyone suggested you try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) yet? It could help.
I've used it and I think it helps me.

I have never heard of that. It sounds interesting. What is it?

[Gem]

I reckon respect the boundries he makes.

[Joseph123]

I would like to thank everyone for your responses. They were very helpful.

As an update, things are going much better with my brother. I think that that may be because I have backed off a bit and stopped worrying about it. I realized that I can only change myself and not him. All that I can do is be as warm and respectful to him as possible and hope that he wants to have a prosperous relationship with me.

I have recently decided to move 3000 miles from where we live currently. After which, I will be clamoring to save every penny possible for a number of years. During this period, I anticipate seeing him very little. Even after this time, I still plan on living in a location that is, unfortunately, 3000 miles from him. I anticipate seeing him probably not more than annually for a number of years, beginning in a year and five months.

I suppose that I am ok with this. Unlike most people, I have the knowledge that time and space do not actually exist and that he and I will inexorably be the best of friends in the next life. So, unlike most, I guess that I do not need to fret that my life is passing me by while I am not close with my brother.

There is one other thing that I thought of that I want to share. I recall mentioning in this thread that my brother is an atheist and that he would literally laugh in my face if I told him that I believe in reincarnation. I recently remembered a time when I was 12 or 13 and when my brother would have been a year younger. He and I were essentially raised without a religion or any guidance in that field from our parents. I nevertheless had just begun attending Catholic school and had, for the first time in my life, come to believe in God. I suppose that I had simply never thought of the topic before. My brother, who had never been exposed to any sort of religious instruction, proclaimed that it was "obvious" to him that reincarnation was a fact and that we keep being reborn throughout the ages. My mother, who - despite being a very sanctimonious and ostentatious Christian - never told us much about religion, gave him a severe tongue lashing. I, a recent devotee of Catholicism, did likewise. How ironic it is that, seemingly out of nowhere, my brother had this knowledge and I scoffed at him. Today, the roles are reversed.

[twinkle]

We now know your brother learned not to believe in reincarnation at an early age since your mother scolded him for doing so.

I think absence may make the heart grow founder. I am not close with my sister. Spending time together during the holidays seems to make us grow further apart since we do not enjoy each other's company.