Bit of an issue with going dark and anger post-meditation

[The_Wanderer_]

Hello community. This is my first post. I'm looking for advice.

I have began meditating, mostly mindfulness type. Joe Dispenza audio mostly, and discovering others like eckhart tolle.

I'm a stifled individual. I've had a lot of events happen in my life. I was formerly more confident and outgoing. Prone to reticence, shoulders tight, generally 'flat', I don't act out. It's like my nervous system won't relax. I'm learning, not hopeless, some progress. Suspect I'm very much in cortisol mode, default stress mode.

I realised I hadn't sang out loud for years, even to myself in my own flat. I started doing that again, very badly and took a while but I did. It was more like miming the words starting off and still kind of a murmur and a cracked voice. Voice used to boom no problem.

I laughed out loud to myself for probably the first time in God knows? 12, 15 years recently, and on two occasions since. Authentic and spontaneous too after thinking a funny thought and watching some funny clip.

I worked a till for the first time in 20 years recently. Had huge anxiety prior. Did it willingly eventually, it was fine really.

I'm going with the 'relax into it' method. Truthfully I did meditation last year for 9 months straight. Stopped because I lost connection with it the last few tries. I should probably have kept going but I didn't. Was forcing it last time round 'c'mon you can do this!' type thing. Might have flown too close to the sun and melted my wings as it were. Got some genuine glimpses of joy, and a couple of profound synchronicities. How to put it? Was chasing happiness and just generally trying to force it. Force smiles etc, think I acted goofy honestly and embarrassed myself a couple of times. Not beating myself up about it. Might have burnt me out some, possibly

Began again. This time not forcing, and instead 'relaxing into it' best I can where I'm at now. Been watching a chap called Owen Cook. That's where I got that philosophy from. Also might be worth mentioning I've been writing things out and journaling a lot. Had some good days. Fealt more 'normal' than I have in a long while. Talking to people more, less hesitation, flows better, more assertive. Still get blocks. Have a way to go. Generally more present. My problem for years is I overthink, wheels constantly spinning. I still get this especially by myself on evenings home from work. It's wonderful and a spiritual harbour being able to think less thoughts, slower thoughts and less in words.

I have noticed some other less expected effects too however which is my main reason for posting. I get times where I go very dark with/by myself. Stress/threat/survival, sad, inner monologue going. It was (it still is really) my default for years. I've 20 years of this but now when it hits it hits especially hard. I feel quite angry for some parts of the day too, more when alone on evenings, through the night, and well with what I wrote about speaking more fluidly there, I also find myself saying bolder things and have talked about people at work, which I've never done before and I don't like. I don't gossip about people. It's one of my rules. Let's say it's justified like lazy people dumping things on my section at work. I'm basically a cardboard cut out people pleaser normally. I'm in a general sense aware of Jung and the theme of integrating the shadow.

I'm assuming it's pent up anger learning to release? I'm hoping someone's going to tell me it might even be healthy and I'm on the right track? It's something like a blockage is shifting? Or am i way off? Is it normal to experience these side effects/'side effects'? I'm looking for guidance. I don't want to turn aggressive and into a jerk. I do want to appropriately express the feeling of anger.

[Guillaume]

Originally Posted by The_Wanderer_

My problem for years is I overthink, wheels constantly spinning. I still get this especially by myself on evenings home from work.

Some say that when you notice that you are overthinking, you're already meditating.
So when you notice it, try to focus on something (not thoughts), or just do a quick nap.

Then regarding the title, it depends on your meditation practice, but if you learn to focus during meditation, it shouldn't happen.
I think it happened to me when my awareness got too low, not focused enough, and I found myself in a sleepy state. Then the body sorts of spits out energy in anger to wake up.

So, if you're tired, it's better to keep your awareness at your 3rd eye or your breath, focused, without trying to relax the body much. IMO

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by The_Wanderer_

I'm assuming it's pent up anger learning to release? I'm hoping someone's going to tell me it might even be healthy and I'm on the right track? It's something like a blockage is shifting? Or am i way off? Is it normal to experience these side effects/'side effects'? I'm looking for guidance. I don't want to turn aggressive and into a jerk. I do want to appropriately express the feeling of anger.

Hello and welcome.

Some people begin their spiritual practices expecting it to be all love and light, bliss and joy. Sooner or later we discover that it is hard work. Because everything within us is brought to the surface to be examined and released. The spiritual journey is a process of becoming empty, but in order to be empty we have to clear out everything within. Which includes all our emotional blockages and personality issues.

So it sounds like you are going through this process and it does not happen overnight. It can take years if not decades, but if we are serious about our spiritual practice then there is no alternative. If you are discovering a lot of anger within then this is actually a good thing. Becoming aware of it is the first step to releasing it.

Maybe investigate where this comes from. Usually it originates in our childhood, perhaps in feelings of frustration or not being heard or feeling misunderstood or being mistreated. The child feels powerless and so feels angry but has to repress that anger in order to get by. All that unexpressed anger is still present when the child becomes an adult, and may sometimes come out as uncontrollable rage.

So how to deal with it? There is no need to throw crockery around or kick the cat or take it out on colleagues. Instead just sit with it and be present with whatever arises. We may naturally feel resistance to this process because it is uncomfortable. But if we can be present and open to whatever arises, even welcoming all these feelings, then there comes a point where any feelings such as anger or pain or fear simply become an energy flowing through us.

And if we can just sit with this energy then there may be a moment of catharsis and release and we feel freer and lighter within ourselves. Or we may actually go through the energy into a deeper state, and we discover that behind all these painful feelings there is just peace.

A couple of books which may be of value:
The Journey by Brandon Bays.
The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin.

Peace

[Michael K.]

Blessings The Wanderer, I can understand all what you are sharing here, it can
be difficult to begin with, and then to stick with it till the anger and pain fade
away. I have been meditating for 49 years and only began meditating when I
was given just three months to live by my doctor, I was a chronic alcoholic with
DTS and paralyzed with crippling fear and abject nightmares and day-mares
I stopped drinking and got support, then I began meditating daily. and I kept
saying over and over that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" and tried to believe this as
best I could, and the miracle is that it did come to pass, It was a struggle to
quieten the messed up head, but gradually the thoughts lessened, and then
they stopped, there in the inner silence I found peace and serenity and so much
more I eventually found the inner SELF. All I did was to sit down cross my legs
close my eyes and just focus on the point where the eyelids meet, and jusy
totally ignore all thoughts, pay zero attention to them, and gradually they will
begin to peter out and finally stop. You my friend are at the beginning of what
will be an exciting journey of SELF discovery, may your higher power guide you on your noble quest.

regards michael.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by The_Wanderer_

Hello community. Looking for guidance.

The first thing I did was a background on Dispenza. I won't go into detail, but it sounds like a duck. I personally keep well clear of that sort of thing. I looked at Owen Cook on You Tube, but it he talks about how to pick up girls a lot, and I find his seminar videos stressful. Tolle is not my cup of tea, but that's only a personal taste. He's actually great.

I think Jon Kabat Zinn is up there with the best. He's well worth a look.

[Unseeking Seeker]

Hello Wanderer!

Welcome to Spiritual Forums.

What appears from your post, is a positive desire to end inner conflict. That is good.

We are our best guide. Thus, as you have said, slowing down thoughts, that’s a great practice. Slow down, keep observing, the anger has arisen but it is not us, thoughts have arisen, it is not us, sadness has become manifest but it is a strange emotion in body, which has nothing to do with us, the real us. Witnessing in this way rejects ownership of the correspondent negative thoughts and emotions, doesn’t it?

Continuous contemplative consciousness correction is something I endorse. It holds us in awareness and in the now continuum. We refine responses based on the manner life unfolds. It neither clings nor renounces, we keep flowing in vibrant nonchalance.

As for spirituality, meditation etc., what is our priority? If we seek material objects, then do go for it. However if we feel that we need to transcend limitations inherent in transience, the ephemeral, then we can go in, within, in silence. Whatever we choose, we should do wholeheartedly.

If it’s tranquility we wish for, thought cessation is great but it presupposes that we are then distanced from fears and desires, both rooted in attachment. On the other hand, if we wish to pluck a rose, we must not mind the occasional prick of the thorn.

[The_Wanderer_]

Originally Posted by Guillaume

Some say that when you notice that you are overthinking, you're already meditating.

Yeah I think I heard Tolle say that or similar.

Originally Posted by Guillaume

Then regarding the title, it depends on your meditation practice, but if you learn to focus during meditation, it shouldn't happen.

I do start thinking sometimes in meditation, I generally catch it. I'm okay with it, like I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm novice and I consider it practice. I enjoy my meditations generally and can pretty much settle for most part. I should have mentioned, the anger is more later on, not when I'm meditating exactly. More in the evenings.

Originally Posted by iamthat

Hello and welcome.

Some people begin their spiritual practices expecting it to be all love and light, bliss and joy...Because everything within us is brought to the surface to be examined and released...we have to clear out everything within. Which includes all our emotional blockages and personality issues...Becoming aware of it is the first step to releasing it...just sit with it and be present with whatever arises. We may naturally feel resistance to this process because it is uncomfortable. But if we can be present and open to whatever arises,..any feelings such as anger or pain or fear simply become an energy flowing through us.

Originally Posted by Michael K.

All I did was to sit down cross my legs
close my eyes and just focus on the point where the eyelids meet, and jusy
totally ignore all thoughts, pay zero attention to them, and gradually they will
begin to peter out and finally stop.

Thank you. This advice seems consistent with what I've been reading.

Originally Posted by Gem

I think Jon Kabat Zinn is up there with the best. He's well worth a look.

Fair enough for your opinions on other sources. I'll look up this person. I'm still learning about people in the spaces. Thanks for the recommendation.

Originally Posted by Unseeking Seeker

Hello Wanderer!

Welcome to Spiritual Forums.

What appears from your post, is a positive desire to end inner conflict. That is good.

We are our best guide. Thus, as you have said, slowing down thoughts, that’s a great practice. Slow down, keep observing, the anger has arisen but it is not us, thoughts have arisen, it is not us, sadness has become manifest but it is a strange emotion in body, which has nothing to do with us, the real us. Witnessing in this way rejects ownership of the correspondent negative thoughts and emotions, doesn’t it?

Continuous contemplative consciousness correction is something I endorse. It holds us in awareness and in the now continuum. We refine responses based on the manner life unfolds. It neither clings nor renounces, we keep flowing in vibrant nonchalance.

As for spirituality, meditation etc., what is our priority? If we seek material objects, then do go for it. However if we feel that we need to transcend limitations inherent in transience, the ephemeral, then we can go in, within, in silence. Whatever we choose, we should do wholeheartedly.

If it’s tranquility we wish for, thought cessation is great but it presupposes that we are then distanced from fears and desires, both rooted in attachment. On the other hand, if we wish to pluck a rose, we must not mind the occasional prick of the thorn.

Thanks. It's later on mostly when the anger comes. Evening, nights. I do (or try to do) what seems to be consistent advice with what people have replied and what Tolle says. Don't chase, don't run from, just observe and do breathing with it but it's overwhelming many nights still.