Help! I don't know what to do next..

[Poppie]

Hello, my name is Poppie, I'm 28, from England and I really need some advice!!

I was attuned to reiki level 1 for the second time(the first was 12 years ago) at the beginning of this year. After the 3 month course(with no major problems) had finished I proceeded to have what I thought was a 'mental breakdown' which I was too embarrassed to tell my reiki teacher or any of my classmates about.

It's nearly 9 months later and I'm still in the middle of my 'breakdown' despite strong antidepressants which made things much worse(stopped them 4 weeks ago).

I haven't been able to practice Reiki on anyone else at all... sometimes I try on myself but no where near as regularly or effectively as before.

The thing is, all year I have been hearing about(without trying) things like new energies coming to the planet, spiritual awakening, lightworkers, guides etc.. so I googled.

Every time I come to a list of 'X-number of signs you may be undergoing a spiritual awakening' I seem to have all of them and I start crying hysterically!! It makes research difficult.


The most obvious things I have noticed are:

• I can see sparkly colourful energy everywhere all the time(I kept going for eye-tests as I thought my eyes had broken)
  
• If I want to I can collect a ball of energy until I can see it clearly between my hands and let it float away and watch it float around the room.
  
• I can feel my third eye very strongly
  
• I am very aware of my energetic body and I can feel it with it's self- each layer of my aura is distinct.
  
• I can see my aura sometimes.. not brightly and distinctly, more like I can see the distortion it creates as I move within the energy around me.
  
• I'm on the edge of astral travelling a lot of the time but something keeps me stuck in my body (I'm guessing it's stress and chronic pain and muscle tightness from being hypermobile and on crutches for 3 years but I may be wrong)

Unfortunately I am also experiencing the 'mental breakdown' symptoms which I think are getting worse because I can't talk to ANYONE about what is going on with me. That is why I am writing this.
They are:

• Depression
  
• Crying at every drop of any hat. Up to 8 hours at a time.
  
• Anxiety (always had this but it's extreme now)
  
• I've felt like I've been screaming 'help' and banging my head against a wall inside for so long that I have actually sometimes started screaming uncontrollably and banging my head against a wall for real. Sometimes for hours.
  
• Rage and frustration. I don't know what to do with it so I break things and hurt myself with them.
  
• Every aspect of my life has gotten messed up including my health, my partners health, communication with my family, medical professionals, my house, my friendships etc. etc.

It's doing my head in and I'm getting nowhere with doctors. I'm okay some of the time.. when I'm pretending that everything is 'normal' (go to shop, buy food, eat food, watch tv) and there are some very positive symptoms, like increased creativity and a desire to revolutionise my life.. but they are eclipsed by the negative ones and I feel like if I could just work out what I'm supposed to do with this new information/skillset then I would stop being depressed and frustrated and start doing something positive. ????????

Spirituality itself isn't new to me - I have been a practicing Nichiren Buddhist for 5 and a half years with very strong faith and practice up until the point 9 months ago when the reiki course ended - I just stopped being able to chant/practice. I try but I can't focus or and it seems to make things worse!

As buddhists we believe in the Mystic Law of the Universe(Myoho-renge-kyo) and that each person has Buddhahood(which is just you at your absolute best - full of wisdom, courage and compassion) and that our daily practice of chanting 'Nam-myoho-renge-kyo' brings out this state of enlightenment so we are better able to deal with life and make positive causes in our life and make the world around us better....

I *haven't* stopped believing this at all, I've had very positive results from my practice in the past, but I can't seem to chant without crying, collapsing on the floor or having some other weird reaction like anger or electric shocks running through me!
I don't know how to bring up any of this with any of my Buddhist friends.. none of what I'm describing comes up at buddhist meetings. I'm sure some of them would understand but I don't know which ones and I'm very embarrassed to bring it up with anyone.

Any insight on this would be gratefully received! <3

Even just someone saying 'me too' on those symptoms would help. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. Even my partner has got sick of calling the ambulance on me and has banished me from his house.

I have a puppy, a little Jackhuahua she keeps me going. I really don't think I would be able to get through any of this without her. I will get through this.
She's not much of a one for conversation though!

x Pop