I don't believe anymore

[Akira]

We argued on Saturday and something just snapped in me and I thought this is all rubbish. There has always been something between the two of us and I fell into what we would term the runner (although in truth I'd just had it!!!)...

He said - 'it's fine go. I know you'll come back, we're always back together.' & I sat there thinking, yep he's right. However then there was that part of me that said - he doesn't even believe in any of this and then he hits me up with that statement!! That's not the words of someone that does not believe. So it's believe when you want and call it nonsense when you want!!!

Now I don't believe, I don't care and truly I have had enough. This is exhausting me beyond anything. Plus I now wonder if it's all rubbish, more stuff to tangle us up, so we don't see the truth.

More theory wrapped into the word love so that we believe that eventually all will come good. I can't see good. All I can see is that he drives me nuts, while I then do the same and what is the point in all that, Why??

Why bother... ???

Yes, there's all the to be a better person, there's all that to release control, to have a fully loving relationship, yet I am not seeing any of this.

The way he looked at me on Saturday floored me. He see's the worst in me. which is fine because I don't believe anymore and I don't care what happens anymore. He said he doesn't trust me and he see's me as a bad person. Well fine then there's no need to be with someone that he clearly see's as bad.

I guess it triggered me feeling this stuff about him & you know what I don't want to feel awful things about someone. i want to be love and I want to care with all my heart. Not feel as if I have to be perfect, which isn't going to happen in human consciousness...??

How is this love?

[ssdm1]

Originally Posted by Akira

We argued on Saturday and something just snapped in me and I thought this is all rubbish. There has always been something between the two of us and I fell into what we would term the runner (although in truth I'd just had it!!!)...

He said - 'it's fine go. I know you'll come back, we're always back together.' & I sat there thinking, yep he's right. However then there was that part of me that said - he doesn't even believe in any of this and then he hits me up with that statement!! That's not the words of someone that does not believe. So it's believe when you want and call it nonsense when you want!!!

Now I don't believe, I don't care and truly I have had enough. This is exhausting me beyond anything. Plus I now wonder if it's all rubbish, more stuff to tangle us up, so we don't see the truth.

More theory wrapped into the word love so that we believe that eventually all will come good. I can't see good. All I can see is that he drives me nuts, while I then do the same and what is the point in all that, Why??

Why bother... ???

Yes, there's all the to be a better person, there's all that to release control, to have a fully loving relationship, yet I am not seeing any of this.

The way he looked at me on Saturday floored me. He see's the worst in me. which is fine because I don't believe anymore and I don't care what happens anymore. He said he doesn't trust me and he see's me as a bad person. Well fine then there's no need to be with someone that he clearly see's as bad.

I guess it triggered me feeling this stuff about him & you know what I don't want to feel awful things about someone. i want to be love and I want to care with all my heart. Not feel as if I have to be perfect, which isn't going to happen in human consciousness...??

How is this love?

Aww, hugs.

I am in the same boat as you, unfortunately, so I really understand how you're feeling.

Mine has been lying to me (by omission) about the relationship he's in with another woman. He is living with her and left that out.

I now know that any hope for romance again between he and I is lost. So I too am questioning everything - twin flames, myself, our friendship, how the Universe or God or whatever, can put a man in my life whom I have loved since I was a teen back in my life and still keep him away from me. What is the sense???

The problem is - I love the guy. A few days ago his gf put photos of them on social media and it tore me up, I cried all day. I feel loss of hope at something I thought would bring me happiness. I'm working through whether to cut contact completely or try to come to terms and be friends.

Akira, your situation is like mine, what I identified is I have unresolved emotions from our time together as teens. He and I were separated by our parents - our relationship just stopped. When he came back in my life, it started up from that point. For me I need to look at that time in my life and try and work through the emotions from way back when. I had not realized until now how that time affected me and I don't think my parents understood either, so I just pushed it down, never resolved it. This is what is causing my pain, loving him still and not being able to just accept friendship as he wants.

Could you and yours be dealing with unresolved things from your past??

I'm not sure where we are headed, if our friendship will survive or not. But we both would like that and I'm going to try particularly because of his health issues. I know if I cut him out of my life now when he's gone I will really regret it.

Hope you feel better.

[FairyCrystal]

First of, for some reason many relationships seem to be going through trials and tribulations at the moment. I'm not entirely sure what the cause or reason is, but I suspect it all has to do with seeing clearly, without veils, what there is and what you thought there was.
Many readers keep saying of late that many TFs now see that their partner wasn't a TF at all (because they now see clearly). So I'm guessing there IS a higher purpose to this all, even though it may not feel nice in the moment. But better to see clearly so you can move on to something really good, than to stay in a toxic situation.
Not saying this is the case with you, just in general.
I'm also going through a more difficult phase with my significant other, since the beginning of September.

Anyways, I think it's good to not make rash decisions. Take your time to get into your center again, and feel. And really look at things and the situation, preferable without ego as much as possible. (hence needing to get centered first, otherwise your ego will run the show and ego won't get you anywhere)

Originally Posted by Akira

We argued on Saturday and something just snapped in me and I thought this is all rubbish. There has always been something between the two of us and I fell into what we would term the runner (although in truth I'd just had it!!!)...
I think here's what you gotta look at to find out what REALLY happened,
without your ego that is. Try to look at it as a story that your friend tells you who wants your advice on the matter. That will help to get some emotional distance from it.

He said - 'it's fine go. I know you'll come back, we're always back together.' & I sat there thinking, yep he's right. However then there was that part of me that said - he doesn't even believe in any of this and then he hits me up with that statement!! That's not the words of someone that does not believe. So it's believe when you want and call it nonsense when you want!!!
Now some or none or all of the following may resonate, take from it what does, dump the rest....
No, this doesn't say he believes whenever it suits him. This says he knows he's got you and that you are dependent and won't leave no matter what. This is a man who knows he doesn't really have to make an effort, because he can be unfair and unpleasant to you, it doesn't matter, because you'll come back regardless.
That is NOT a good position to be in as a woman, it's the 'doormat' position. Important: He didn't put you there, women do this themselves (low self-esteem, fear of losing him etc etc)
If you want to change this, you have to make sure you don't say things anymore that you aren't really going to do. You may say you'll leave when angry, but if you deep down know you can't / won't, then do not say it. (Cry wolf too many times... you'll lose credibility and trustworthiness).
Empty threats wear thin real fast. Any threat for that matter will kill any feelings of love. It is an attempt to manipulate: "If you don't do this, I will do that." It's a very weak attempt to get control of the situation AND control overr him. No man likes that. And it will start to become very irritating if a woman behaves like that, and he will learn real fast it's empty threats, nothing will happen. So he'll shrug and simply walk away from the drama OR add to it, as he knows you won't really leave anyways.
If you've pulled this kind of stunts on him regularly, he'll close off emotionally from you, and like he said: he'll lose his trust in you. How can he trust you if you keep slapping him in the face whenever it suits you? Even when you disagree or argue -ESPECIALLY when you disagree!!!- you still have to remain respectful.
Now as I said, not all of this may resonate with you, maybe it does. But take from it what does resonate, and work on that.
I mean, if you truly didn't care you wouldn't have posted this rant, so you do care. Question now is: do you want to resolve this situation or not?
If you do... my advice would be to contact him again -after you've done some thinking and have calmed down- and tell him honestly how you feel. Take responsibility for your own actions and words, apologize for them too. Including telling him that he was right that you don't truly want to leave him. (Have you ever thought how it makes HIM feel to hear, sense, feel regularly that you think of leaving him? That doesn't inspire trust. And believe me, men are very sensitive to these sort of things, and they are insecure too, just like us. They also need to feel they can relax in a relationship and trust that it is solid.)
Does he even know you are so exhausted, possibly feel insecure? Tell him! From the heart, not the head. Show him how vulnerable you are. Allow him in. That way you will begin to gain his trust and respect again.

Now I don't believe, I don't care and truly I have had enough. This is exhausting me beyond anything. Plus I now wonder if it's all rubbish, more stuff to tangle us up, so we don't see the truth.

More theory wrapped into the word love so that we believe that eventually all will come good. I can't see good. All I can see is that he drives me nuts, while I then do the same and what is the point in all that, Why??

Why bother... ???

Yes, there's all the to be a better person, there's all that to release control, to have a fully loving relationship, yet I am not seeing any of this.

The way he looked at me on Saturday floored me. He see's the worst in me. which is fine because I don't believe anymore and I don't care what happens anymore. He said he doesn't trust me and he see's me as a bad person. Well fine then there's no need to be with someone that he clearly see's as bad.
Again, maybe you should've shown him your vulnerable side here. Instead I guess you closed up and withdrew from him because it shocked and scared you to hear this. I think 9 out of 10 would react that way, while instead we should dare to show our vulnerable feminine side. Had you asked why he feels that way, and had really listened to it so you could learn something about yourself, him and his needs, things could've gone entirely differently.
Not to make you feel bad for this, I'm quite sure I would've reacted the same way... It's all a learning curve, and not the most gentle one either.
But nothing of this is beyond resolve. You can still open conversation with him from the heart about this. you can still ask him why he feels this way. Maybe now that he's calmed down too something really beautiful will come from it.
Mutual, deeper understanding of each other's needs for instance...
But you got to keep your ego out of this!!! Truly listen to him when you ask him to open up. If you start interrupting and judging and correcting after he's taken the step to open up, you've lost him again...
Seriously, I don't think anything is lost. I think you both could gain a lot from all this, provided you deal with it the right way now. And closing off your heart,
withdrawing in an impenetrable shell is NOT that way.
And ask yourself honestly: Is that the way you want to live, want to be in a relationship or do you want to be able to communicate and relate from the heart,
which equals daring to be vulnerable and truly feminine.

I guess it triggered me feeling this stuff about him & you know what I don't want to feel awful things about someone. i want to be love and I want to care with all my heart. Not feel as if I have to be perfect, which isn't going to happen in human consciousness...??
I doubt he expects you to be perfect... I think this conviction is something we create in our own minds, based on insecurity, one that may be hidden so deep you don't even realize it.
I don't know you, but I do know that people with low self-esteem tend to have ridiculously high standards for themselves. And they are so used to creating these that they aren't even aware of doing so anymore.
So I'm thinking that maybe you are the one who created this feeling of having to be perfect based on something that has happened between the two of you that triggered your insecurity. The minute you start walking on egg shells, the man picks up on that and start to feel uncomfortable too, likely even unconsciously.
If that continues, it'll get to the level that he always feels uncomfortable around you, and then he may not want to be around you so much anymore, because you make him feel 'bad' and off. And he will likely not even know why, but men are often more sensitive than women, so he will pick up on your insecurities and react instinctively. This could very well be the reason he said "bad person". But I assume he was angry and hurt too when he said that, so he probably didn't mean it quite so harshly as it came out. TALK to the man!!
Again, this is nothing that cannot be resolved, but you got to communicate.
From the heart, from your vulnerabilities, completely bare yourself to him.
And yes that takes a lot of guts, but you cannot truly connect and relate to a man -any man that is- without doing this.

Lots of luck and love, and don't beat up on yourself.


How is this love?

[Ldlf16]

Yeah I thought I knew this person before but now, I don't know. I can't account for the weirdness but the way it's transpiring does not point to anything higher. Why would this be so difficult? Seems like a sick cosmic joke.

[Akira]

Originally Posted by ssdm1

Aww, hugs.

I am in the same boat as you, unfortunately, so I really understand how you're feeling.

Mine has been lying to me (by omission) about the relationship he's in with another woman. He is living with her and left that out.

I now know that any hope for romance again between he and I is lost. So I too am questioning everything - twin flames, myself, our friendship, how the Universe or God or whatever, can put a man in my life whom I have loved since I was a teen back in my life and still keep him away from me. What is the sense???

The problem is - I love the guy. A few days ago his gf put photos of them on social media and it tore me up, I cried all day. I feel loss of hope at something I thought would bring me happiness. I'm working through whether to cut contact completely or try to come to terms and be friends.

Akira, your situation is like mine, what I identified is I have unresolved emotions from our time together as teens. He and I were separated by our parents - our relationship just stopped. When he came back in my life, it started up from that point. For me I need to look at that time in my life and try and work through the emotions from way back when. I had not realized until now how that time affected me and I don't think my parents understood either, so I just pushed it down, never resolved it. This is what is causing my pain, loving him still and not being able to just accept friendship as he wants.

Could you and yours be dealing with unresolved things from your past??

I'm not sure where we are headed, if our friendship will survive or not. But we both would like that and I'm going to try particularly because of his health issues. I know if I cut him out of my life now when he's gone I will really regret it.

Hope you feel better.

Hey there
I have been working through it and yes:

Akira, your situation is like mine, what I identified is I have unresolved emotions from our time together as teens. He and I were separated by our parents - our relationship just stopped. When he came back in my life, it started up from that point. For me I need to look at that time in my life and try and work through the emotions from way back when. I had not realized until now how that time affected me and I don't think my parents understood either, so I just pushed it down, never resolved it.

I have been working through it today with a heavy heart. However, what you say above is exactly what it is. It links to all the unresolved issues from our past. My tf has never been that bothered about time. Right down to not being there for my 21st and his sister calling him and having a go at him for making me sit on my birthday all alone in his room. I was livid with him, but I just waited like some kinda dummy. I can't recall when he finally rocked up it was late though and he didn't even apologize. It was acceptable to him to be there when he wanted and not give a hoot re: me. I look back now and I realize i ought to have had more self respect & I ought to have gone and found someone else to spend that evening with. Yet, I didn't I was young and he'd said he'd spend the evening with me. I even brought the food and wine... I can't remember, but i hope I ate it and drank it all before he got there *giggles* ... Joking aside though, it was very painful.

So on Saturday we were due at his parents place ... I know you couldn't write it and he said I told them we'll be there at 4.30 .... As usual he was faffing around and I was sitting there waiting & as the minutes ticked by I got more and more upset. I didn't even know why. I just got so mad at him. It was heartbreaking at the time I felt awful. We finally rocked up at his parents and 6pm and I wanted to scream...

Yet, as I think about it now. It's unresolved issues and if this stuff makes me feel this bad. I should have told him that I'd see him there. My fear is that he won't come, just like on my 21st where he was so late & that maybe if his sister had not called him, he would not have even bothered to come back. It breaks my heart. However, I know deep inside that it isn't anything.

It was always about him, pleasing him, making him feel okay & I'm doing that it's all fine, but when I can't it throws up his temper too. That's what hurts, the fact that he can't see my pain...

Then in rolled my whole feeling of this whole tf thing is nonsense and I have had enough of it and him...

Harsh, but true!

Like with your situation, how much do we take and when are we being doormats? Because I do not want to be a doormat. I just want a healthy relationship with the person I love.

Yet, all this unresolved stuff is exhausting and I have to self preserve tf or not.

When we were younger I finally left because I saw him as cold, callous and selfish. That's how I saw him on Saturday... It's like I don't matter...

Oh well - all the past un-resolved nonsense will either pull us apart or create some cohesion ...
*sighs*

[Akira]

Fairy I have been thinking about this today and the message that comes up as the common ground is me. I have to heal me. Yes, I am mad at him, but there is no point walking away. The unresolved issues will come up with someone else otherwise, so what is the point? I might as well just stay where I am and see if we can move to a space that is more loving as opposed to in pain.

I think here's what you gotta look at to find out what REALLY happened,
without your ego that is. Try to look at it as a story that your friend tells you who wants your advice on the matter. That will help to get some emotional distance from it.

So for me it’s about un-resolved issues (see my message to ssdm.) We have so much baggage with each other we have known each other for many decades. It means that there is stuff that comes up when I least expect it to be healed and cleared. Just sometimes I wish it would go away. Honestly, it’s an exhausting headache.

No, this doesn't say he believes whenever it suits him. This says he knows he's got you and that you are dependent and won't leave no matter what. This is a man who knows he doesn't really have to make an effort, because he can be unfair and unpleasant to you, it doesn't matter, because you'll come back regardless.

This is interesting because this is not who I am now. However go back years ago to when we were younger it is who I was. He did have that attitude with me then, however I don’t really think that is what this is. I think it’s like the ghost of our past re-surfacing and creating the same old drama and patterning. I guess it’s asking me to do something different. It’s also asking him to do something different.

If you want to change this, you have to make sure you don't say things anymore that you aren't really going to do. You may say you'll leave when angry, but if you deep down know you can't / won't, then do not say it.

Yes and no to this paragraph. Erm I haven’t ever left and yes there were a few empty threats, but the bottom line is I am capable of doing it and he knows this as I have left him. I left him after all his nastiness when we were younger. It’s his attitude that could do with a re-set. I’d say the manipulation is his and not mine. In fact I thanked him this time because he didn’t do it; he let me make the choice. Rather than telling me what it would be. So there was a change.

No need to contact him and apologize I left on good terms we are okay. This is my internal munki that you’re getting here. The stuff that I am working through so to speak, my anger re: how do I resolve the internal pain? Is this something that I want to stay in and is it worth it? All the healing the drama, it’s becoming something that I want less of.

Does he even know you are so exhausted, possibly feel insecure? Tell him! From the heart, not the head. Show him how vulnerable you are. Allow him in. That way you will begin to gain his trust and respect again.

The unresolved issues - The exhaustion is actually dealing with all of this stuff all the triggering all the healing and there really is no one to talk to about this stuff except you guys. I’m not insecure either, mad maybe, fed up and then tired of it all welling up and pulling us down. I know that he’s there for me. It’s not that, in fact maybe it’s him that needs to show his vulnerability. I dunno, time will tell.

Had you asked why he feels that way, and had really listened to it so you could learn something about yourself, him and his needs, things could've gone entirely differently.

This is to do with the past all of it. It floored me because that’s the way he used to see me. He is also very harsh and critical of women when they cry (was really hard with me when we were younger & broke my heart) and that just kills me because I can be very emotional and I fall apart. This is when I need him and this is when he becomes a cold callous fish. He did mention it and he said that maybe he needs to be a bit gentler when I cry. This remains to be seen.

I doubt he expects you to be perfect... I think this conviction is something we create in our own minds, based on insecurity, one that may be hidden so deep you don't even realize it.

Actually I think he does seek perfection. He is very hard on himself and me too and expects me not to cry or to hurt or to be human. He can be very critical of the world, others, and the way that things are sometimes. This is his stuff to deal with and its fine. The man I love when he is not being dragged into the negative expression of himself is loving, kind and gentle. Yet, it is his terms that can make me feel imprisoned and ready to call bluff on the whole tf thing and us two being together.

As it goes we’re great together and we only feel dis-comfort when we blow up at each other. We can both get triggered and we’re not great at being gentle with each other when we feel hurt..

In fact when we were younger I just let him have his way. My stuff to deal with, it always letting others have their way. He does the opposite, he can be selfish.

The mirror is what this is. We are so alike that it scares me sometime & tf’s or not I’m getting sad and sick of it. It’s a lot to have to deal with.

I know that we are being dragged into a different dynamic emotionally, physically and mentally.

Thank you sweetie, you have really helped me to think this through. Still secretly questioning the whole tf thing, but maybe that’s part of it? If we do not question then we never really know our position do we…

Lots love

[Akira]

Originally Posted by Ldlf16

Yeah I thought I knew this person before but now, I don't know. I can't account for the weirdness but the way it's transpiring does not point to anything higher. Why would this be so difficult? Seems like a sick cosmic joke.

That is how I feel at the moment as if it is a sick cosmic joke. Of course I get that the cosmos is pointing something out to me, whether I want to see it or not...

Originally Posted by Akira

Now I don't believe, I don't care and truly I have had enough. This is exhausting me beyond anything. Plus I now wonder if it's all rubbish, more stuff to tangle us up, so we don't see the truth.

More theory wrapped into the word love so that we believe that eventually all will come good. I can't see good. All I can see is that he drives me nuts, while I then do the same and what is the point in all that, Why??

Why bother... ???

Quite. I don't come here as often as I used to because it's excruciating to see people making such a complex shenanigans of their lives, the amount of energy being sunk into trying to force "relationships" to work when it's pretty obvious they won't. Ok there might be the occasional quarrel but when it's persistent or like a scorpion dance, is there really joy, happiness, contentment in it?

If it goes on because of convenience or one partner losing interest and the signs (sometimes heartbreaking) are there, so much better to be honest to avoid further hurt. How much of one's lifetime here is to be frittered on scorpion dances.

So here's hoping you're able to make a break. If it hasn't worked after the effort you've put into it, do you honestly think it will ever? You're entitled to happiness as everyone is. Relationships should never be that difficult. Ok they need some work but how much do you really need to heal in yourself? With someone more appreciative of you, someone willing to love you unconditionally, would you have to heal anything? Just my view but blaming "issues" in yourself may not solve anything.

All the best.

[Akira]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Quite. I don't come here as often as I used to because it's excruciating to see people making such a complex shenanigans of their lives, the amount of energy being sunk into trying to force "relationships" to work when it's pretty obvious they won't. Ok there might be the occasional quarrel but when it's persistent or like a scorpion dance, is there really joy, happiness, contentment in it?

If it goes on because of convenience or one partner losing interest and the signs (sometimes heartbreaking) are there, so much better to be honest to avoid further hurt.

So here's hoping you're moving forward soon to find the happiness to which you are entitled. A pleasant relationship without all the artificial spiritual twaddle. Yes, relationships have a spiritual element but using scriptures to coerce someone softly into something they don't want will end in problems. Twin flaming is just a set of beliefs - rather constricting ones at that - so they can be unbelieved if they don't work for you. Such is my view.

All the best.

It does appear that I might be moving to the page where I think that it isn't so. Not to negate anyone that does believe in it though. After all it is up to each one of us. Free will and all that. It's just that right now with all the exhaustion and the fact that this does appear to be a merry, crazy dance.

I am erring on the side of maybe the bottom line is that it is all nonsense. Still not really sure where this will take me. We will see?

Yet, right now I am seeing a turn around in the way that I view it all.

I am just not so sure that being bound to the tf notion is a healthy one and then there is the whole some people just are what they are and maybe they don't need to be in my space. Regardless of the meta-physical connotations or signs that might say otherwise.

Don't get me wrong I love that fella, but he's a pain in the er hum and I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking - Enough of this baloney, it's tiring me out and not reaping very good results!!!!!

*sighs visibly from letting go of it all and chilling on a sun lounger with a nice tall cocktail* ...

[FairyCrystal]

@ Akira, your posting got me thinking and a sudden insight popped into my head... Like I said, I hear from more ppl at the mo about difficulties in relationships, also from ppl who are absolutely not with a TF.
Couldn't it be that all this upheaval is happening to simply make us (help us) to let go of attachment?
We all say we aren't needy, aren't insecure and so on, but when we're honest we all want security, commitment, know where we stand, live together and feel safe. These are all signs of neediness, which can reveal itself in various stages of seriousness of course.
For instance, me and my TF... I cannot force him to get in touch daily again. He would hate that, and he'd come to resent me and/or our relationship. Yet, him not doing that anymore triggered me as bad as anything has ever triggered me in life.
All my fears and doubts and insecurities came up in one huge tsunami. It was so bad that I got close to ending things. I decided to wait till I see him next, end of this month, to see how things go. Thank goodness I did, cos I got very good advice yesterday from a coach & very gifted medium, plus a reading from someone I trust. Both gave me calm and hope again. Then he got in touch later on in the evening and we had a wonderful conversation. Things felt really good, I'm quite sure he must have felt that too. The difference being that for the first time in a month and a half I was truly relaxed and 'me'.
So him triggering me with not getting in touch daily anymore actually helped me to grow. To deal with the fears and doubts and learn to relax and trust that all is well.
Okay, I have no guarantee where this is going. But right now it's more important that I can keep in this calm place. My body is so tired from all the stress I keep putting myself through...
I've had a very rare virus a few months back that caused a full body rash... my hair's been falling out like you wouldn't believe, my body is close to being spent, tired, smoke too much, I have to go see my physiotherapist every 2 weeks as opposed to the usual every few months, and so on. I desperately need a break from all this stress (which I do myself).

In any case, I think that's what this upheaval is about? Forcing us to let go more and more, to surrender. Get over our fears and doubts?