very intense longing for a person I can not be with - need help to make sense

but do you have any 'generic' advice in terms of how you moved forward?

This may help.
If someone you love dies (close friend or family member), you do not let them just disappear from your mind. You keep them in a different box in your mind and heart. - Just like a photo album. You think about them time to time. And you allow yourself to miss them and sometimes have an internal communication with them.

"Un-realized" strong connection with someone from past should be treated the same way.

You should put him in a special section of your heart and mind. You may also write a letter or two. Or whenever you want to talk to him or think about him, just write a letter each time.

Keep them or burn them. It is up to you.
Or you may just post them in one of the thread sections in this forum. There are sections in this forum under "Most Anything" that you can post your own personal thoughts.

By allowing yourself to express and to think about him (Giving yourself a permission to think and to miss someone that you felt a strong connection), your obsession will just become a mild longing/expression.

So, just tell yourself that it is OK to desire/think/miss this man and express it in your own ways.
When you do NOT allow yourself to do that or try to suppress it or feel guilt about it (because you are married), you are actually going to obsess about it more.

It is like a favorite guilty pleasure or comfort food (let's say ice cream). When you are on a diet and you cannot have it, you will obsess about it whenever you crave this particular food. If you allow yourself to have a small piece or occasionally, you will not be obsess about it.

So, just let it be as a part of you and treat it as any other desires/longings/missing in your heart and mind.

It is ok to longing/desire/and even love another man in your mind and dreams, even you are married.

Why?
Because you do not stopping being a human just because you are married.

Try not to think or figure out what this man represents unless you are going to therapies to figure it out with a professional therapist.

So, just accept it as a part of you.

Trust me. You will be better.

I can also relate to this. I posted about my situation in a separate thread. But yeah, I feel the same way. I feel like the timing was never right for me and this woman. Yet I know the connection we have is real, and it has grown slowly and more intense over time. We were coworkers first, then a very slow building friendship developed. She's not one to open up to people, and neither am I in some ways. So it took a long while. Anyway, long story short too, I never took the reigns because I was always unsure of the signals (which is always been my problem). Ironically, it was something I opened up to her about as our friendship became more trusting. But my feelings were clear to me with every slight touch that happened, or even just some "'looks" at times.

Anyway, for the new year I have decided to finally work past moving on. She is with a good guy, making plans for a life together. I have to let that be. She may or may not be into me, having feelings for another of the same sex is hard to come to terms with, believe me I KNOW all too well. And she does too, as we've discussed it. So either she's completely happy in her choice for a life mate, or she's not ready to come to terms with her other feelings. I can't help her on that, it's all on her. But I have come to peace with the fact that my feelings WERE and ARE real, and I'm okay with that. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. This is what I'm focusing on most. We are still friends and coworkers, so I do see her every day. And I'll be honest, my brain can easily slip back into pining mode. Like, she's been down lately, and it's killing me thinking maybe just maybe, she's having second thoughts. But I cannot let that affect me. It's her deal, not mine, if she doesn't want to face up to feelings.

I definitely like the idea of what Nada is suggesting, so thank you for that. And to the OP, best of luck with your situation. Hang in there, and remember that there are all kinds of love, and just because you aren't with him, doesn't mean your love for him is in vain.

[Sarian]

Originally Posted by Ahurani

Thanks, Sarian. I appreciate that you don't want to discuss the specifics of your situation, but do you have any 'generic' advice in terms of how you moved forward?

Ahurani, I didn't know how to move forward without him. I tried, and I couldn't. I was fearful because I never experienced it before. Did I feel obsessed, very much. I even went to my therapist who does past life regression to get him out of my life. I thought perhaps my tie to him was because of issues in past lives and I even sought a woman who does past life readings to see if she would know anything, and sure enough, she had a few. And Because I had visions of him in dreams and randomly ...like knowing his name. All sorts of weird things. Even the circumstances that led me to him are so odd. I wish I could write it all out here, all I felt and went through. I was married in a horrible relationship, so was he. I suppose both of us having bad marriages was actually a good thing, but other things in our lives were not. I tried to detach and get away. couldn't.

My story is different. I wish I could give you some really good sound advice or something to make you feel better. I can't though. I'm with him now. Sometimes I'm very grateful of this, other times, it's sheer hell. Now today I was out and about with him and we had a wonderful lunch and he was talking about getting married again, which he's been talking about it again for the last week, and where to honeymoon, our life together and so on. We've been on an upswing this past week (wow), but I never relax for fear another obstacle will come ...

I wish you much good in your situation.

Originally Posted by Nada

This may help.
If someone you love dies (close friend or family member), you do not let them just disappear from your mind. You keep them in a different box in your mind and heart. - Just like a photo album. You think about them time to time. And you allow yourself to miss them and sometimes have an internal communication with them.

"Un-realized" strong connection with someone from past should be treated the same way.

You should put him in a special section of your heart and mind. You may also write a letter or two. Or whenever you want to talk to him or think about him, just write a letter each time.

Keep them or burn them. It is up to you.
Or you may just post them in one of the thread sections in this forum. There are sections in this forum under "Most Anything" that you can post your own personal thoughts.

By allowing yourself to express and to think about him (Giving yourself a permission to think and to miss someone that you felt a strong connection), your obsession will just become a mild longing/expression.

So, just tell yourself that it is OK to desire/think/miss this man and express it in your own ways.
When you do NOT allow yourself to do that or try to suppress it or feel guilt about it (because you are married), you are actually going to obsess about it more.

It is like a favorite guilty pleasure or comfort food (let's say ice cream). When you are on a diet and you cannot have it, you will obsess about it whenever you crave this particular food. If you allow yourself to have a small piece or occasionally, you will not be obsess about it.

So, just let it be as a part of you and treat it as any other desires/longings/missing in your heart and mind.

It is ok to longing/desire/and even love another man in your mind and dreams, even you are married.

Why?
Because you do not stopping being a human just because you are married.

Try not to think or figure out what this man represents unless you are going to therapies to figure it out with a professional therapist.

So, just accept it as a part of you.

Trust me. You will be better.

Nada, this is such a great post. Mindful and accepting and also constructive. Thank for sharing. This gives me some hope and I will try your suggestions.

Originally Posted by sunburst

I can also relate to this. I posted about my situation in a separate thread. But yeah, I feel the same way. I feel like the timing was never right for me and this woman. Yet I know the connection we have is real, and it has grown slowly and more intense over time. We were coworkers first, then a very slow building friendship developed. She's not one to open up to people, and neither am I in some ways. So it took a long while. Anyway, long story short too, I never took the reigns because I was always unsure of the signals (which is always been my problem). Ironically, it was something I opened up to her about as our friendship became more trusting. But my feelings were clear to me with every slight touch that happened, or even just some "'looks" at times.

Anyway, for the new year I have decided to finally work past moving on. She is with a good guy, making plans for a life together. I have to let that be. She may or may not be into me, having feelings for another of the same sex is hard to come to terms with, believe me I KNOW all too well. And she does too, as we've discussed it. So either she's completely happy in her choice for a life mate, or she's not ready to come to terms with her other feelings. I can't help her on that, it's all on her. But I have come to peace with the fact that my feelings WERE and ARE real, and I'm okay with that. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. This is what I'm focusing on most. We are still friends and coworkers, so I do see her every day. And I'll be honest, my brain can easily slip back into pining mode. Like, she's been down lately, and it's killing me thinking maybe just maybe, she's having second thoughts. But I cannot let that affect me. It's her deal, not mine, if she doesn't want to face up to feelings.

I definitely like the idea of what Nada is suggesting, so thank you for that. And to the OP, best of luck with your situation. Hang in there, and remember that there are all kinds of love, and just because you aren't with him, doesn't mean your love for him is in vain.

I just read your thread, and I feel for you. Those 'what if I had...' feelings are so hard. I feel that's how I 'lost' this guy the first time around (many, many years back). I hope that with time you will meet someone new who can whisk these feelings away for you, and to help you move on.

I thought the bolded bit was beautifully said. It felt soothing to me. Thank you

Originally Posted by Sarian

Ahurani, I didn't know how to move forward without him. I tried, and I couldn't. I was fearful because I never experienced it before. Did I feel obsessed, very much. I even went to my therapist who does past life regression to get him out of my life. I thought perhaps my tie to him was because of issues in past lives and I even sought a woman who does past life readings to see if she would know anything, and sure enough, she had a few. And Because I had visions of him in dreams and randomly ...like knowing his name. All sorts of weird things. Even the circumstances that led me to him are so odd. I wish I could write it all out here, all I felt and went through. I was married in a horrible relationship, so was he. I suppose both of us having bad marriages was actually a good thing, but other things in our lives were not. I tried to detach and get away. couldn't.

My story is different. I wish I could give you some really good sound advice or something to make you feel better. I can't though. I'm with him now. Sometimes I'm very grateful of this, other times, it's sheer hell. Now today I was out and about with him and we had a wonderful lunch and he was talking about getting married again, which he's been talking about it again for the last week, and where to honeymoon, our life together and so on. We've been on an upswing this past week (wow), but I never relax for fear another obstacle will come ...

I wish you much good in your situation.

Wow, thanks for sharing. This is very much how I've been feeling for a long while

I didn't know how to move forward without him. I tried, and I couldn't.

but I'm still trying, though.

I'm glad to hear that you are together. I do hope you will manage to create a healthy, happy and peaceful life together. Much luck to you

[Sarian]

Thank you,Ahurani, I wish you all the best as well. Currently, we are getting along fabulously, but things can always change in a heartbeat. I think once things truly settle down and we get over some of the hurdles, it will all be well worth it.

Originally Posted by Ahurani

So, I'd really appreciate some help to make sense of this.

There's a man I first met over a decade ago who I am drawn to in extreme and inexplainable ways. It's like a really, strong, magnetic pull, and when we have spent time together it has felt magical and also very peaceful. It's mutual.

Long story short, in different circumstances we might have been together but we have never managed to meet when both of us were single. We have spent years in between our few encounters (which have mostly been random) where we have not been in touch.

A bit over two years ago we met ago again through work and it said BANG. We had lunch and coffee together. Afterwards, I cried for a week because I felt this extreme longing for him, but I knew we could never be together because by then I was married. It really felt like I was mourning someone.

Since then, I have thought about him EVERY DAY. It is really haunting me and I feel it's an extreme obsession that I can not get rid of. I realise that this has probably, in the end, nothing to do with him or us, and only to do with some kind of weakness that I have inside me. But I can't make sense of it, I can's stop the obsession, it's ripping me apart with doubt and guilt (since I am doing this to my H), and I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do, how to make sense of it, or how to get over it. Is it just a child like infatuation? Is it grounded in a weakness in me that I can't identify myself? Is it karma?

Any insight highly appreciated.

It is assumed by many people that a feeling like love is an immovable object, like it's rooted in your heart like an old but strong tree. The fact is that it isn't, it's yours to give and recieve. If you know for sure you can't do anything, then the next move is to take a deep breath and make decision... and mean it.. "I love my husband, that's why I married him." and just turn away. Observe the childishness in your emotion, and they can be childish - and you can say no to it, and deliberately put the spot light back on your hubby. ask him about things that he's doing, inventory what you like about him, just have fun and games to play with his personality and get to know each other.

Love is a choice, the experience of fully accepting someone's nature. With this guy who you have a crush for - you just know him easily. But it's true that arranged marriages are more successful than 'love' marriages. So you are capable of experiencing that kind of love over your own husband. It's just learning to again. I guess.

Originally Posted by Ahurani

I just read your thread, and I feel for you. Those 'what if I had...' feelings are so hard. I feel that's how I 'lost' this guy the first time around (many, many years back). I hope that with time you will meet someone new who can whisk these feelings away for you, and to help you move on.

I thought the bolded bit was beautifully said. It felt soothing to me. Thank you

Thank you, too. I'm reading this now at 3am, while in the midst of a setback in my moving forward. Yesterday, she was all down and didn't she want to talk about it. Later on she told me she was listening to some music and was feeling a particular song. The song isbasically about faking it through a relationship (parting gift, by fiona apple). I asked again if she wanted to talk, but she didn't. Then today, she was back on track with planning her life. I admit, when things like this happen, I fall so easily backward, and envision all sorts of scenarios. And how we are so connected, like how constantly she will say things that are in my head. We used to joke about it, and be like hey get out of my head, but I don't even pointt it out to her anymore. It sucks.

Oops...please excuse the typos in there...3:20am now, haha.

Anyway, again I do hope you are able to move on too. I know I will be ok, I just have to create more time away from her and work on finding my way to the person I know is out there for me.