Stuck between real world and spiritual world

[zhu86]

Hi, i'm new to this board.
My problem is the following:
My whole life i've been walking on a spiritual path, it always came natural to me and i made lots of progress, i even would consider myself as enlightend if there even is such thing. But i might as well be wrong about it.
Anyways, my problem now is that this life or better said this whole world doesn't appeal to me in any way no more. I've lost interest in all my hobbies and interests. The spell of love and lust and all physical things is completely gone. I have no more "mission" here and just want to get out of here.
Since suicide is not an option (even though i thought about it) i've been trying to get out of life by meditation. I can easily reach a state of total selflessness, but right when i'm about to dissolve the very last parts of my Ego, i get a sort of muscle contraction throughout my whole body and head and i snap right back into this life, it happens EVERY time i'm getting close to this point. It's like a mechanism that keeps me from exiting this life experience....
Now i wouldn't mind staying in this world if there was anything that attracts me. The one thing i still might like to do in this life is a relationship with my twin flame or whatever you wanna call it. Or just a normal relationship, but i can't find the right partner. No one seems to fit and everyone is just too much into 3D things about relationships. Like the looks or what someone does for a living or how thick his wallet is. It's like no one even knows what true love is all about...
So what am i supposed to do? I can't meditate any further. I's like i'm right at the exit door knocking but no one opens up. And there is also no turning back to real life. I can't just undo what a lifetime of spiritual seeking turned me into. I wanna meet my twin flame so bad but i have a feeling he/she doesn't even exist in this world. Any suggestions?