Haiku for Sean 3/3/87 ~ 2/14/10

[Silver]

[Silver]

Freedom calls you,purity's child,
borne on the salt-fresh ocean breeze,
that heeds no earthly shackled cause,
but breaks sad bonds and floats so high.

When care worn days rest heavily,
on slim shoulders and tender heart,
cast off the chains of mortal stain,
embrace the truth beyond the lies.

And if dreams long for heaven's gate,
to touch creation's lofty star,
let soft wings stroke the silken sky,
and fly child,fly when freedom calls.
~by Hawkmoth

I thought this poem fit my son and his passing incredibly well...he was born in Santa Monica, CA and is a Pisces. This could've been written for him. With much appreciation.

Happy birthday, Sean, my one and only big little guy~*

[Silver]

I sure have been thinking deeply about you a lot lately, my son. This full moon the last couple a nights has really kicked me in the pants. If I don't come here to share my thoughts and feelings, I fear they will burrow down into the absolutely center of my psyche and being, and never get them out in the open where they need to be freed.

The wretched thought that crossed my mind late evening yesterday was this: "I'm not worthy." I knew it wasn't 'me' and yet, it is the guilt that I am dealing with, still over your death, Sean. I know that these thoughts aren't 'me' and that they will pass...sigh.

[Tiss]

Dearest Silvergirl,

I don't want to interrupt your beautiful dialogue with Sean... but at the same time, I want you to know that I understand your deep need to free your feelings.

Sometimes during the difficult process that we are living, some dark thoughts cross our path, and let them go such dark thoughts is very healing...

Think Silver that your pain is purifying you in many ways, and it is the tool, in the master plan which is making you a more spiritually developed being. This tool is making you fly towards the light.

Sean did not go, he only went a little bit in advance, where all of us will eventually go.

Think it over. Think all what have achieved during this difficult time, including the warm affection of many people here.

I just want that, what I am writing now, could be minimally useful to soften you big pain, and for you to know that I am with you.

TISS

[Silver]

Thank you so much, Tiss ~ your words to me (and Sean) are touching my heart and soul deeply. In spite of all the tussles we had as he was growing up, now that I've 'lost' him, he is so very often on my mind and the thought and feeling that I have of him is why couldn't he realize how much he meant to me? He was always downplaying when I would compliment him or tell him I love him. I just don't understand why. I feel very deeply now he knows the score and he is awake, alive and aware ~ somehow somewhere.

[Silver]

If I could capture the sky, the universe
for you, Sean, I would.
Now, I don't have to.
It's already yours,
and some day
it will be mine, too.
To be able to swim through the skies
and throughout the universe,
known or not ~ now that's living!

[Tiss]

Beautiful!

[Silver]

Thanks again, Tiss.

[Silver]

the joy of having my little boy
brings a tear now that he's not here
I look around ~ what can I find
to patch the hole in my heart and soul?
Will I just whither and die now
or find out how to want to live again.

because I put all my eggs in one basket
I didn't know of any other option and
I was hypnotized and mesmerized to do this.
It was a want deeper than any I've ever known.
To raise this child of mine, to enjoy his life
to celebrate his life through the good times and the bad
it wasn't long before the bad times were crushing me into the ground
and I wanted to breathe but could not - I was the living dead.
(So now I wonder if that's why he was so into zombies?)

By Carol Yothers

~For Sean

[Silver]