i never feel like i'm anyone's first choice and i'm not sure what to do about it

[fox22]

hello! so as the title says, i never feel like i'm anyone's first choice and i'm not sure what to do about it.

basically, I feel like i'm the "back up friend" or the "afterthought" friend, if there even is a thought about me. i feel as if the people i'd take bullets for wouldn't even do the same for me. i feel as if i could go missing for weeks and no one would care.

these feelings are backed up by some instances i'll list;

- there was a point in time where i was sick for weeks, not showing up to work or school, and in that entire time period i didn't get a single text asking how i was or where i've been. i did get ONE text from a friend who asked me for a picture of the handout we got in class, even though I wasn't there. they didn't even notice i wasn't in the same room as them.
- my best friend isn't really my best friend. i'm always their second choice, because they always end up getting another best friend and forgetting i exist. i'm not the outwardly jealous or clingy type. i give them their space, i let them have other friends, i don't stop them from doing so. the person they've replaced me with somehow always betrays them, then my best friend comes running back to me. it's a cycle.
- me and friend group had a 3 month notice for christmas that we'd be doing a gift exchange. the entire3 months i carefully selected items for cute gift bags id give each of them. when the day of the gift exchange came up, they kept pushing the date back. i later realized it was because they didnt get me anything, and just ended up buying me a single cupcake day of.
- i've gotten into physical and verbal fights defending them from bad people.
- i've been there through all their worst experiences.
- friend chose a party over me. told me to stop "watering them down" with my feelings when i texted them looking for someone to vent to.
- friends literally choose anything over me.
- invited them all to my birthday party, no one showed up. i just wanted some people to eat cake with, really. i baked the cake by myself. i also have no family, so i was basically entirely alone.

i don't think i'm a terrible friend, my dealio has always been. . .be a good friend and get good friends.
i always give heartfelt gifts on holidays, i write my friends cute and supportive notes to get them through their days. i'm always there when they need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to dump their problems on. i treat them to food, visit them during work and bring snacks. i'm always here to talk, i reply quickly, i'd never in my life hurt them, in fact i'm always keeping them from getting hurt.
whenever i'm being fought, wether verbally or physically, they'll stand by. in arguments, they won't take sides, even though i always back them up in their arguments.

and yet they're never there for me.

i don't do any of these things half heartedly or as if i should do it to be a good friend. i do it because i love my friends, and i'm fiercely loyal to them.
but i feel like i'm that one pet dog that got left in the car on accident because they forgot lol.

i try to tell myself that all i need is to be my own first choice, and that's all that matters. and i learned to love myself and be my own number one too, but sometimes it gets to me when i realize i give so much and get nothing.

i find myself asking myself, what am i doing wrong?? when will it end?? what is wrong with me?? why am i never a priority?? am i boring?? is it because i'm not active on social media?? am i not popular or attractive enough to be seen with in public?? why am i never the one who gets to cry or be defended?? why don't people love me as much as i love them??

it makes me tired, to be honest. I think i've posted about my friends before, or lack thereof. I've just realized that these people aren't my friends at all. They don't care at all for me. I've cut out so many people because I realized they were just using me or draining me. I feel ignored. There have been times where I literally had to repeat myself several times, and raise my voice each time until someone realized I was speaking.

Some of my friends go as far as to read my text messages, ignore them, and then later on in the day or week send something completely different and off topic to what I had said.

Sometimes I tell myself that it's okay, part of me thinks maybe we just don't vibe well. I'm really open minded and into spirituality, and these people are really closed off and involved with things like the size of Kim kardashian's butt, and whose dating who, and I'm really involved with things like alien conspiracy theories (lol they're interesting to me) and vegan recipes.

I just don't know what to do honestly.
I just want people that will care about me and realize that I exist. I guess I want to just find my 'tribe' so to speak.

Maybe someone can drop down tips on how to attract this?

[lilith]

I'm so sorry you're going thought this and I feel how sad and disappointed you must be. You seem like a gentle soul and there's nothing wrong with you. I'd be honoured to have a friend like you. True friends are rare. Not just they're hard to find, but it takes conscious effort to maintain friendships.
You're right, they seem not to be good friends, so let them go. I understand you're venting, that's perfectly ok, but this situation may go on forever if you allow it. You can't change them unfortunately, but you can change. So, make room for real friends. It's better to be alone, than with people who drain you. You'd be surprised to find comfort in loneliness and peacefulness it brings.

You may also pay more attention to yourself and your needs. When you put others first and neglect yourself, especially if those others don't deserve it, you'll end up feeling really low. Friendships lift you up, they are not for making you feel negative.
Chose carefully who you let in your life. Some souls just make connections that are one sided and don't care much.
When you get to the place in your life where you love yourself so much and are proud of what kind of person you are, right relationships will manifest. Good luck. Blessed be.

Another saddening story because people shouldn't feel like that. I'll try to add my tuppenceworth tomorrow morning but my sleeping pills are just kicknig in.

Talk then.

♥

[Wandering_Star]

You need new friends.

No, wait--scratch that--you need friends, period. And none of these people are it.

You think of them, and do things for them, and accept their differences from you, and put thought and effort into gifts, and are there when they need you--and you're getting crumbs in return. And worse, you're putting up with it.

I don't know your full story with them; I assume you've all known each other since you were kids, or grew up in the same neighborhood, so you have a shared history. And if that's the case, it's common for people to outgrow each other once they hit adulthood, and go their own way--but it's often difficult for them to pull away because they feel there's so much history and they've put so much into the relationship. But if it's no longer working, it's not working, and you can't force things to change.

And maybe they've never been good friends, but they're familiar, and they're all you've got, and letting them go would leave you all alone for a while (and maybe--just maybe--you're afraid nobody else would want you at all, and that alone-ness would be permanent). But this is what you get when you settle for "friends" who aren't on your wavelength, don't care to be, and are content to keep you around because you're always doing things for them.

So yeah, it's time to quit sinking so much of your thought and effort into this bunch, and start putting that energy toward finding new friends. Seek out people who are interested in the same things you are. Pick up a new skill or hobby that you've wanted to, and get involved with groups of people who do that thing. Volunteer somewhere in support of a cause that means something to you. Get out in public and go do things you enjoy--even if it means doing it alone.

But most of all, stop giving your best efforts to people who don't care, are ungrateful for the things you do for them, and are unwilling to reciprocate. You can't change them, but you can change yourself, and take action toward something better. Decide you deserve real friendships with other kind, thoughtful people who care, and seek them out.

This can be so disconcerting and I remember it from child to early adolescence. While with birth-parents I could never take classmates home, not that I wasn’t allowed to but I’d always get humiliated, my birth mother being diagnosed with (classic) hysteria. No need to go into my home life except the upshot was I could never go to schoolmates homes without embarrassment that I couldn’t return the gesture. There was one mum who understood and in ways provided a sanctuary. So forming ordinary friendships at school was out.

Not sure how I felt – I suppose I should have felt lonely but (looking back) I somehow managed a lone existence – made “friends” with a few adults like at the library and music shop. Was given “secret” piano lessons at lunch times by a choir master in a church. There was a piano at home – birth-mum played – and I was allowed an hour’s practice after school before the old man came home. He hated either of us playing. Birth mum also hated him. She gave me no help with music though.

I eventually got pulled out because of birth-dad’s violence. Though I did well as a fostered adolescent I knew I was a loner. Did start to make friends – sometimes went through what you’re going through and converted it into “don’t care” though. I did care most times but did anything to avoid feelings of self-pity.

The bad one was a boy who seriously humiliated me; gave me a bad reputation as a slag. So I retreated to the library or music room where I did make my first friends - now with the freedom to take them to my foster home. No surprise they were outcasts from the mainstream of school socialising – my interest in (non-religious) “spirituality” arose though a couple of them.

It goes on. I am still friends with most of those motley outcasts from school, have made new ones through various activities; am happy not to be part of the party circuit. Small gatherings at the pub or café are more my thing.

On reflection there were times I so wanted to join in, the feelings I now understand were rejection – and I suppose I developed a way forward to suppress or work around them.

In your case, it could be that you try too hard rather than just “being seen”, being a little more aloof not as a deliberate act but by recognising yourself as a loner even if you don’t like to admit it. Clothe yourself in a little mystique. Look for people who have some common interest with you. They'll more likely turn out genuine friends. You’ll find that if you can smile in the face of friendship adversity you’ll become more attractive to those who matter. Affirm that you grow a little more attractive every day.

At least, this way you drive your own life rather than be a puppet at the mercy of string pullers, others who try to shape you into what they want you to be.


♥

[Antonio94]

It seems you had a really rough time and I felt kinda related somehow. During my secondary school I also had similar problem: no-one (students) would care for my well-being. I was a like "ghost" and all I did during my secondary school time was drawing. Of course, some students would bully me and I showed that I was really furious like a mad dog. And so since then the discrimination and ignorance increased higher day by day. To tell you truth at that time I wouldn't know what to do. And it made me feel quite familiar with a solitude life, but also I had a terrible feeling of being unable to do anything.
When I was in high school, things changed better for me as the environment changed, I could meet new people and I had better days indeed.
From your story, I sense a great desire of being acceptance. But then I was thinking: is it really important to be acknowledged by some particular groups? There are many communities in this life, some don't care for us, some care for us and some even need us. The problem is just whether we want to seek happiness for our or not, we want to have a life of our own, or we just want to be "happiness" of other people.
Though I don't think this will really relate to you, but I hope it helps to some extent.

[fox22]

thank you all so much for the sweet replies!
i liked seeing that some of you were able to relate and that this feeling isn't a stranger.

@Wandering_Star , you're completely right. . . i've grown up with the people who have been the cause of my discomfort. i realize now that i really did probably get comfortable even though i'm not happy. they're familiar, everything you said is true.

@Lorelyen , your story was very touching. one thing i'd like to comment on is when you said,

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

In your case, it could be that you try too hard rather than just “being seen”, being a little more aloof not as a deliberate act but by recognising yourself as a loner even if you don’t like to admit it. Clothe yourself in a little mystique.

I do recognize I'm a loner, I am withdrawn and quiet, and it's fine by me.
I think the reason why you may think I'm trying hard to be seen is because of all the things I do for them, but I don't think I do these things to be seen or even liked, but more so because I care about them. These are things that just come naturally to me, defending them, being there for them, giving them things, fighting for them, treating them. Unlike them, I'm not one to speak my feelings or be physically affectionate, so this is how I get my feelings across. I just care about them. Genuinely. It just hurts when I realize that I'm invisible to them haha. I AM the "dark and quiet" friend, the black sheep of the group I guess.

I do try hard, I agree, but in a different way.
I think it's because I realize that I AM this aloof loner, and I see the type of people my friends are, (all social and outgoing and bright) and I see that they don't see me the way I am. And I think that to be seen like they see each other, I need to be like them. Somewhere down the line I realized that what I was doing for them wasn't enough, and that maybe I needed to be a bit different or more active and social. In fact, I think i'm clothed in too much mystique that find myself forcefully trying to be social and outgoing and funny and speaking often and forcefully laughing and being silly as to be seen by them. And recently I've been doing it more so in public, apart from them as well. It's been tough being who I am because many workplaces require that you smile and speak and strike conversations with customers, and I am the type of person who doesn't really smile when it's not genuine, who doesn't speak when I don't need to, and who doesn't like idle conversation.

I always end up going home and asking myself, "Why was I acting like that?" or "Why did I say that?" It doesn't make me feel good, I feel weird about myself, fake almost. It's as if I've constructed this new sort of wall in form of a persona. I used to be able to be my quiet self naturally, but I think my friends have made me self conscious in that way. . .and made me think I need to be someone else to be accepted by them. So thank you for bringing this up.
I think I'll work on just. . . letting go. . .easing my shoulders and tensions and just. . working on not trying to be someone else. It's okay if they don't see me as me, the loner, because they don't see me when I forcefully try to put myself out there either.

---


thank you all so much for your replies and strength. . . i think i will work to bettering myself, going out and doing things i like to do, and meeting people that way, like you've all suggested.

i think i'll cut out most of them, but i won't completely detach myself. . .i'll stay in touch, but i don't think i'll try as hard to have them realize my existence, or i won't put as much effort into them because it is not being reciprocated. i guess i'll just be "demoting" their status in my head haha. i really do tend to put my friends on a pedestal.

you're all right, i should definitely take care of myself first. i'll take time off for myself, work on myself, do what i love, and hopefully people will gravitate to me that way. i have no problems being alone and a loner, it seems most of my problems sufficed when i was with my friends, because that's when i realized i was being treated poorly, so being alone for a while won't hurt me.
It may just be weird and uncomfortable at first, but that's fine.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

are you done with the "alone time" yet?
wanna hang out?

[fox22]

Originally Posted by H:O:R:A:C:E

are you done with the "alone time" yet?
wanna hang out?

haha sure why not

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

Originally Posted by fox22

haha sure why not

yeay!