devil in the details, or how the mirroring actually works

[july14]

this post is not about presenting facts or spreading wisdom. my theory might be just that, a theory, however as I'm putting the pieces together, it makes sense to me.

we hear a lot how this connection is about yourself, how everything that happens is just reflection of what's inside you, how you need to forget about them and focus on yourself and so on. this may be true to some extent, but its not that simple. if you want to understand what's going on inside you, you have to pay attention to them too. not only bc you are connected and disregarding them is not an option, but bc its a two way street where if you understand the effect you have on them, you can also better grasp whats going on with you.

some examples from my case, which were all under my nose and thought I got them, but only now did I really.

when we met online, he was smoking and drinking a lot. not alcoholic drinking, but he was a big drinker. before we would even talk about these bad habits of his, practically from day one of meeting I started drinking and smoking a lot more than before. actually for a few months I was drinking daily, and it had no effect on me. it was like drinking water.
now here comes the interesting part. he took notice and he started nagging on me that I should not drink and smoke so much. I remember thinking to myself, seriously you telling me this? parallel to this, he gradually started cutting back massively both on the cigis and the booz, until he switched to electronic cigarettes and minimal alcohol. i cut the drinking altogether, and smoke a lot less.

also when we met we had 2 "hobbies". he was mass consumer of women, I was buying clothes after clothes. both were about dealing with the pain caused by our previous relationship. and again, he was making fun and to a degree passing on a judgement on me for spending so much money on clothes, until I asked him how was that different from him being the womanizer he was.
ever since I moved back home, I stopped spending money on clothes. and guess what, he stopped womanizing.

now you can say all this is great, we are having a positive effect on each other.
but here comes my point which I introduced with 2 examples so you see where I'm coming from, and might help others recognize similar examples from their lives.

I think he is running from me, bc I mirrored to him more deeply rooted things too:
1. the fact that I needed him and that made him realize (consciously or not) that he also needed me. women are somewhat ok with the feeling that we need a guy, but I think guys hate needing a woman. all the men out there, please pitch in with your comments
2. I mirrored him his lack of self love
3. I mirrored him his dysfunctional relationship with his mother, and the fact that he cannot go on taking it mildly. he doesn't like open conflict and he stays away from a heated argument or fight bc he feels its beneath him. only problem is, while you don't need to turn into a savage to solve a problem,, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself in a way that you know for a fact will hurt the other, nevertheless its the only way forward to bettering the connection. I have done that with my mother, and I think I mirrored him he needs to have a similar approach if he wants any change with his, but his mind was fighting it.
4. I feel I also mirrored him his negative body imagine, though I have pretty much been over for years with hating how I look. but because I loved him with his extra few kgs too, instead of that making him feel loved, made him more aware of what he doesn't like about himself.

going back to the needing each other part. this is something that is frowned upon all the time as something negative. there's nothing wrong with needing each other, if its not a need that turns obsessive or something that makes us feel crippled unless the other person is around. the need for another doesn't have to equal to an expectation that another person will fix my life. it doesn't have to be a reliance on the other making me happy. if I have a gloomy day or a hurting tummy and I wish the other was around to hold me, knowing that the love we share will make us both feel better, there's nothing wrong or needy about that. the need for each other doesn't have to be the same as clinging onto each other.

BUT the key, or that little devil in the details is that both understand how:
1. need for each other doesn't have to be bad or sign of weakness
2. the vulnerability that the feeling of need brings to surface, if appreciated for its true value, can bring intimacy between two people to a whole new level

somebody I chatted with from this forum pointed out an aspect of this connection that I'd like to paraphrase here. its about balancing the male-female energies. we need to do that in ourselves, and that's our responsibility. they need to do it in themselves and that's theirs. and we need to do it between us, which hopefully happens even when apart and not talking. so while as a woman I have to learn how to not allow my need for him to consume or define me, him as a man has to learn how to allow himself the vulnerability to want to need me (in the above presented context and not in a needy clingy way).

don't try to cut them :) better try and look at the connection from the distance and find the little lessons hidden in between the bigger lesson.

[Freekre8]

You can associate the word mirroring with pretty much anything. as humans to be similar in one way or another is very normal (hell you can even mirror your pets because some are shy and some are affectionate just like humans regardless of status, race, gender or sexuality) that is why you can get a strong Pavlovian response going on with such concepts, its not fact (nothing is) but just another way of looking at things (and since the universe is ambivalent I only think it makes sense to view the world from as many angles as possible and then add them up and come to the conclusion that a recipe for something is just math for example mash potato+leaks+hot water+olive oil+a little salt and pepper = a simple potato and leak soup)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_conditioning

Also sorry I have no idea what I am talking about its just habit to talk about random concepts and ideas but as nobody actually knows the truth I suppose that is all that anybody can ever actually do?

#SoulMatesIsLawOfAttractions@aVeryHighLevelMaybe?

[YS.]

a strong Pavlovian response

That's the most original comparison I came across to describe " need" and programming !:)

A for the " need". To me there is a clear differnce between "caring, sharing , loving " versus " needing"

[july14]

think of it this way. there's no feeling, emotion or human trait that exists w/o a purpose. if there was no purpose to it, it would simply not exist. so trying to weed it out, bc you rate it less desirable, is really just a form of denial of yourself.
self acceptance is acceptance of the whole package. self awareness is learning how to balance all those little puzzles that make up the whole, in a way that they benefit us and our surroundings. my point is, don't suppress, but try and find out how to deal with the various aspects of yourself.

my other point is, total vulnerability means, this is me, with all the bad, the good and the ugly, I'm allowing you to see it all, bc i know you, and I trust you fully to love me even when I have a bad day, or a less desirable trait shows its teeth.
and yes, first and foremost, know and love myself enough to accept that there's no such thing as "I don't get how xyz can be so mean, so selfish, so envious, so needy, such cowards, etc etc" because I have understood that I have ALL those things in me too.

[YS.]

I'm not talking about denial... Knowing that you need something is not denial, trying to find that need through someone else is. Denial of yourself, that is. And maybe I'm very weird but what you describe as vulnerability , I define as ' normal' , genuine love for each other. BOTH sides...can't actually imagine that it can be different? Let me put it this way....I didn't need a ' twin' to show me that part.

[july14]

I don't think we are getting each other and thats ok :)

my OP was shared with the hope that it may help others realize (probs once they are pass the initial i feel insane and hurt like an open wound and get nothing and don't know what planet I'm on phase) that some of the feelings they have and they see being frowned upon are not to be ashamed of, but instead taken as an opportunity to better understand themselves and the other.

[Ghost_Rider_1970]

Originally Posted by july14

I think he is running from me, bc I mirrored to him more deeply rooted things too:
1. the fact that I needed him and that made him realize (consciously or not) that he also needed me. women are somewhat ok with the feeling that we need a guy, but I think guys hate needing a woman. all the men out there, please pitch in with your comments
2. I mirrored him his lack of self love

Originally Posted by july14

BUT the key, or that little devil in the details is that both understand how:
1. need for each other doesn't have to be bad or sign of weakness
2. the vulnerability that the feeling of need brings to surface, if appreciated for its true value, can bring intimacy between two people to a whole new level

somebody I chatted with from this forum pointed out an aspect of this connection that I'd like to paraphrase here. its about balancing the male-female energies. we need to do that in ourselves, and that's our responsibility. they need to do it in themselves and that's theirs. and we need to do it between us, which hopefully happens even when apart and not talking. so while as a woman I have to learn how to not allow my need for him to consume or define me, him as a man has to learn how to allow himself the vulnerability to want to need me (in the above presented context and not in a needy clingy way).

don't try to cut them :) better try and look at the connection from the distance and find the little lessons hidden in between the bigger lesson.

I really do love your posts July, and you always make very valid and interesting points:)

From my own male perspective, I am very expressive with my feelings and love I telling my Twin Flame that I want her, I need her, and I love her.

I am so happy that I can be this way and that I can express love. Indeed, this brings me to your other point about aligning male and female energies.

I believe that I am so in touch with myself at such an emotional level because of my feminine energy. I also don't think this compromises my maculininty at all as I love being so open and vunerale with my Twin Flame. More so as she is so in touch with her male energy.

As she is me and I am her.

[Freekre8]

Originally Posted by YS.

"need"

Eden is an anagram of Need just saying

[YS.]

Originally Posted by Freekre8

Eden is an anagram of Need just saying :

not in my native language ..

[43 Bicycles]

July14,
I needed her, but in the end, I walked away, for a few reasons.
She tried to reach out to me a few times and I eventually responded after a few months, and I closed to book, or tried to.
I noticed she recently, in succession, mirrored my facebook profile pics and banner, the last one being a cryptic message, but I won't get into the details. Anyways, after doing that a few times, I can only assume she was hoping I would reach out, she closed her facebook account, but only for about a week or so, so you see, I guess I still need her around in some way, to feel she exists. Sometimes I think I should call her, at least just to say that I still love her, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm back home with my "wife" (not legally married, but that's not what having a mate/life partner is about; it's about the connection...faak legalities)...anyways, I owe her more than this, but it would be wrong...it's all wrong. you know, damned if you, damned if you don't kinda deal...