Despair

I figured I would start my own thread instead of hijacking someone else's, lol...though enough of us seem to be going through the same darkness right now! Sorry, I just really need to get this out:

So - As some of you already know, I am in a relationship with my TF (have been since 2011)...and we currently live one street apart, and work at the same place.
However, outside of work, we spend very little time together, other than weekends, when he will usually stay over on Saturday nights, leaving again on Sunday....
When our relationship started, he was the first one to talk about us living together, and he says he still wants that. Good. BUT - now when I talk about us working out some kind of timeframe as to when that might happen (I tossed out the year 2015 as a possibility), he stalls. I get answers like "I can't see the future" or "it will come".
He thinks that him spending one night here a week, and us seeing each other at work every day, is enough "quality time" together (???!!!??)

Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking for too much?? I am 40 years old - I have never been married - I have no kids... my parents are both deceased.....I told my TF that I simply need some idea of where I'm going....I feel like half my life is gone, and I'm still just free-falling, waiting for one solid thing to stand on........

I don't know what to do anymore...any words of wisdom, advise, anything - would be appreciated...because I am being made to feel like it's all just me, and that I am the problem.........

Well the first thing that jumps out at me, as a pretty independent person, is that I would not, no make that COULD not work and live with someone. To me that is just too much. Maybe if you didn't work together, there would be more time spent together. I disagree that seeing each other at work is "quality time". However, as to the part about your future, you most definitely have the right to want to make plans. I don't think anyone should make you feel like you are being unreasonable by trying to plan the not so distant future. You are definitely not asking for too much.

[gypsymystique]

I'm about the same age as you, and I totally get the desire to think about the future and solidify things. You're being totally reasonable in wanting that.

I'm curious about his answers though. Those are the answers I give when I am relying more on spiritual guidance rather than the ego based desire to want to head in a direction.

Perhaps, you could ask him if he's waiting for a signal or guidance or something. It might give you some insight and relief.

[Cheshire Cat]

I agree with Lily. I can see how this is hard for you, but I think I understand him as well. You are seeing each other daily for a considerable amount of time, because you’re working together, plus you live very close to each other. If you lived together you would choke each other! I remember you said that your TF is a Virgo. I don’t know if it has anything to do with zodiac, but I’m a Virgo too and having my alone time (a couple of hours every day and at least one whole day a week) is the most important thing in my life, apart from food and water. I’m not exaggerating here! I become extremely irritable, exhausted and even sick if I have to spend too much time with people, no matter how fond of them I am. I feel as if I’m losing touch with myself. Your TF risks losing that one "alone time" day if he moves in with you. Maybe it sounds a bit harsh, but it has absolutely nothing to do with his love for you.

As for solid things in life, I’m afraid there aren’t any... I’m sorry, this is harsh too, but it’s a fact (and I hate it ).

I responded to this on a different thread--but, in a nutshell, I think if you simply drop the discussion about planning, he will eventually come around. He likes the idea of it, but the reality of planning is scares him still. Have fun talking about it in the abstract and don't say a thing about actually doing it! I know it sounds counter-productive, but I think if you let him steer the discussion he will come around!

[Impulsv]

Not to mention the tf energy is way too intense. I think I've learned people are different n at different pace . As u may want to do it all now he may need a bit more time but thAt doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Had to learn to respect others pace. Earth sign s are slower n me being water I tend to steam roll
Over tsunami style lol. Enjoy ur company what's the rush he's with u. Do u doubt hell leave if u don't get him living with u by a certain time?

Sesheta...

My Tarot readings are very insightful into how TF thinks about out connection - and give me peace & a little more patience.

She explained that even though she keeps getting the "Happily Ever After" @ love cards, that "he cannot imagine what someone like you sees in him" & "he's terrified that if he risks everything to have the life he wants with you that you won't like the real him or that he'll disappoint you & you'll leave & he won't recover".

This confirmed things I've felt intuitively & TF has said a few times that he might disappoint me or if I tell him how much I love & adore him he will say "I don't understand..." He has self-esteem & abandonment issues & I've even said @i hope someday you see in yourself what I see in you". He feels unlovable sometimes, which makes me love him more! Good luck to you...

[Impulsv]

Wow in Essence that's what I feel my tf feels. That ill be disappointed if I get to know him that's why he even runs from Freindship. He thinks he's this awfull
Guy that he feels he needs to warn me n push away.
He does tones his ego
As archer characte

Seshetta
Tf or not my love u deserve to be happy. He seems afraid of commitment. You can't make anyone want the same things maybe negotiate? Maybe he can stay with u half a week to start with. Now as far as babies, clock is ticking.
And as far as Virgos especially men are a hand full. I dated one for a better of 13 years and yes he never admitted but he loves his space!

Originally Posted by sesheta

now when I talk about us working out some kind of timeframe as to when that might happen (I tossed out the year 2015 as a possibility), he stalls. I get answers like "I can't see the future" or "it will come".
He thinks that him spending one night here a week, and us seeing each other at work every day, is enough "quality time" together (???!!!??)

Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking for too much?? :

No, you are being extremely reasonable. No, you are not asking much.

His reactions are alarming and very selfish.

He is not even willing to negotiate an acceptable time frame for both of you.
He does not seem to care that YOU are not happy.

You are justifying his behaviors with TF labeling.

He is not going to change. He is who he is.
You however can change how you react to it.

You have been together long enough, especially at your age.

Forget about giving him a time frame.
Instead give yourself a time frame.
Have a target date in your mind and leave the relationship on that date.
Do not tell him about this target date since it would become an ultimatum.