The child that never was

My first pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage. Since then I became a mom later on in life.
Times when I would be in a hurry and look over the children there were times when I felt one child missing. Or that i automatically felt as if the eldest was helping me look out for the others. This false impression lasted always a split second, and when I had counted in all the kids to know of course that no no one was missing. Other times too, that split second, as if the child was there or the feeling that a child was missing.

One night I had this dream, during my pregnancy, where it was as if the spirit of the anticipated baby came to tell me it was not to be, that it couldn't be, that it couldn't do it, and I begged in the dream that I was going to sort everything out. To please stay with me. And then I woke up, and had this immense bad feeling. I tried to shake it off, but couldn't. I did not dare to tell anyone as I thought it would be a bad omen.

In real life I went to check ups, and everything looked the way it should. It was progressing fine and I was feeling well again after having been sick the months before. I had done my utmost to take good care of myself, eat the way I should.

I am in no way relating my experience to someone who has lost a child for real.

I do wonder though if this is something normal, to look or in a split second forget that the eldest is not around?

I have too wondered to myself if in an alternative reality the spirit of the baby chose to be born and lives on in that alternative reality.

My feelings regarding this is too close to home. I have never felt as helpless as when that happened and as much as a failure. I kept it to myself. I don't want to imagine how difficult it must be for others.

I don't know if it is normal to have that feeling as if a child is missing the way I have? I understand there are those who has gone through something so much worse, and that is too why I have in real life kept this very much to myself for that reason too.

[lostsoul13]

Firstly it wasn’t your fault—- these things happen (it gets to hard for the unborn baby-and things just end in a way for reincarnation to step in and prepare them for their next reincarnation??! If something going to be born it’s going to be born and if something isn’t ready then we seek out a way to help and preparing you by a visit and vision… was just doing the consolation … having15 children of my own- there’s times I thought that we wouldn’t make it through reincarnation at times they weren’t responding and things didn’t seem quite right.. but eventually they pulled through.. they were the most heart warming- gifts you could feel like your whole life feel apart because you didn’t want reincarnation to touch them* to say I would of thought it was the best if they never existed but this is a observer generation- and they are as alone in this journey as I am.. they are strong enough but if any of them got hurt - you couldn’t imagine- it seemed like a burden , that they would have to go through the game- I wasn’t prepared my self, how could they be? When they escaped to suspended animation - I couldn’t be even more revealed than relief I was feeling it was some type of success- but I knew in a couple hundred years, unless they got mixed up in reincarnation- they would be here again living the narcissistic life of reincarnation- having to go through fire and hell… with their dreams far away… far from the upbringing you would want for them. We treasured the moment we had… and memories that were made… it’s just a recklessly behaviour that reincarnation consistency believe and belongs …. My heart has gone cold to think of this- but I have to believe they are strong enough - that life v reality is depending scrap.. the society is itchy and no guarantee you’ll make it for 20 years straight consistently… matter of 5+ years if your lucky… I’m talking about the betrayal with society as general and reincarnation generally… it’s impossible… I can’t say it was the right thing to happen.. but it must had been a hard choice for both of you- therapy is an intervention of having to realise other time lines exist and some where involvement is questionable to the one of deceased - maybe we don’t really feel any thing but the noice of change… in which we question of pain is just the pain of change (it happening somewhere in our life’s even those afar away) change was upon you but that means it’s also somewhere else… that could be a good thing… losing something isn’t a good thing but if it was the right choice- that journey will end up having an impact further down the line- hopefully for the good- than emotionally and obstructing these things could seem …