another small epiphany

Hey,

you´re not hijacking...feel free to share what comes up..

I am really sorry that you are having such a hard time with it all...

You write: ´Be yourself and be strong..´

Indeed try and be yourself, but first find out who ´yourself´ really is. But about ´be strong´...that one is different for me.
In meeting him i suddenly realized how much effort i was putting into trying to be this strong, nice and tough woman. Thinking that it was such a woman he would like. Somehow and somewhere (and very, very soon after getting to know each other) this mask just fell of. There i sat, with this beautiful man that i hardly knew, but totally unable to hold it all up...that fake appearance. It was really weird. The only thing i still could do was cry. And the way he was and ´acted´ towards me...it reminded me of who i really am, but that i burried deep inside. I somewhere in history got ashamed of who i was and here in front was this man, acting like i had done and how i really was, but that i had gotten ashamed of. This was a painful eyeopener.

So for me, after this eyeopener, wasn´t at all about being strong. I had to admit that i had been pretty strong for a long part of my life, being able to hold up that mask for so long. But holding up this facade had gotten to me even to the point that i developed all kinds of pains in my body, that no doctor could ever find a cause for. I think i got all cramped by holding myself back totally.

I am learning to let go...to relax...not so much the body, but even more the mind. Learning to allow to be the one i really am. In this relationship i became the chaser...and while i am writing this now, i suddenly realise that in chasing him i in fact have been chasing myself. And that all those years before i had been running from myself.

That´s a thing which i can find really hard. I once had a beautiful awakening, but during this beautiful time ego kicked in...harder and harder...developing u huge fear of the unknown and unseen. Because of that awakening i can feel i am now really close again, but there still a threshold.

For me no therapy. Earlier in life i sometimes spoke to a coach or psychologist only a couple of times but it never helped. This is for the first time in my life that i really start to see me...what fears there are, what pains and such.

For the ghosting from his part and the silence i encounter here and there...i believe ego is just frightened to the bone for that silence...

I really hope i can go on like this...with more patience needed...I am in fact pretty content with all where i am ´going´ at the moment, though ego will have its wars from time to time...:icon frown:

I think you should try and give yourself some credit...no, not some, but a lot. Still, do try to use her (re)acting to you as your mirror. How does she act? Does she ignore you? Then you are ignoring your self somewhere..
Is she reacting angry at you?...Then in fact you are angry with yourself somewhere...
Really try and see her as your mirror and try to think of her as only being a mirror, nothing else. Why did you start loving her? What do you love about her? Because what you love about her, must be in yourself as well, when she is your mirror.
Try not to be strong...Where you did your undercover ´act´...in fact there you are hiding your true self. You, finding out that you didn´t understand the telepathy correct...is it really telepathy? Or is it the ego-mind trying to draw a rosy picture, only trying to stay the leader in your life?
Is she playing tricks on you? Or is it your mind doing that?
Try to let that all go. It might take some time. With every thought that goes through your mind, think: this is not the real me. Of course you need ego, but ego doesn´t need such a big part in your ´play´.
You are not ego. Ego is looking for drama. Ego is about emotions. Is there really evil demoralizing you? Who did tell you so? The true you only is....there are no emotions. But of course you cannot live without ego. But ego should be in the backseat...and true self behind the steering wheel.

Don´t believe everything you think...don´t believe everything you read (lol).

If she shares a soul with you: then she´s is your mirror. What/who from out of you is reacting to her...it is from ego...And how she is or isn´t reacting towards you...that is her ego. If you 2 share one soul...then deep inside you 2 are just one. There´s nothing else. Only in the ´outside´ world there´s ego, duality...duality can create war (so to speak)...

Amen...

Though i still can really relate to you where you are saying that it hurts an awful lot when thinking about them with someone else.

Can you still be thankful for the fact that you met her and the way she made you feel in the first place? Keep that in memory and skip the rest (i know, much easier said than done), but you need to start somewhere. I sometimes even can start feeling sort of claustrofobic when imagining i will never see him again...horror...but they are not here now eather, so what is best to do in between?

I know it all can feel meaningless, numb, soooo empty and full of grief, hurt and anger. But these are all the opposite of one other feeling: Love. It is ego that makes one feel the grief, anger and hurt...while true self or the soul only knows Love. Through or in them you found that beautiful Love that you´ve never experienced before...and then they leave, in this weird and painful way. Why, how, where did they go?! What to do now?! The mind is trying to answer all these questions coming up. The mind sees black and white...the mind feels...In our worldly 3d minds we learned that most of the time a ´no´ is negative. So there must have been something really bad that happened or something really bad that someone has done. But is a ´no´ really always negative?! What is the reason behind them disappearing?! They only react in their 3d behaviour as well, but what if they were subconsciously lead by their intuition/heart/soul?

Ego´s language is different then soul´s language...ego keeps trying and trying to fill in the blancs, where only the soul knows the real answer...

Shoot...i added more, but it didn´t show...will write it again tomorrow...

In short: meeting them is really most of all for meeting you true self. You needed the mirror. They mirrored you Love. It feels like you´ve never felt this Love before, though it has always been with you...in soul.

And from what i´ve read and what i still hang onto a little bit in the very back of my mind: if you try to align with your soul...and your share one soul...you also align with them, because you are them. As long as you chase them (even only through thoughts/energetic), they will run. They run from you, because you are running from your true self, so in fact you are running from their true self... (pffffffff... )
And they still of course have their own free will...(i know...this so easily said... )

Maybe a nice one: ....what about that they maybe didn´t or couldn´t Love us because we weren´t our true selves? By lying to ourselves, we are also lying to them...They might only Love the true you...

Take the Yin & Yang Symbol/Figure.

She is black and you are white. There´s only one way in which they can be put together to form the symbol....

Instead of looking in them as being our mirror we often instead project our own thoughts and feelings and such onto them.

If you are the white part, but you are not aware of that. Instead you project your whiteness on the black part, it will no longer fit...no balance...

Try figuring out your own colour...to come full circle..

Well...so much for filling in the silence myself...

[kundalinikid]

Hi irisa,

I didn't mean to disappear on you there. I am enjoying sharing things with you. We are kind of kindred spirits since we were both ghosted.

I think you have a great perspective and way of looking at the situation. It is empowering. I think in my particular case though, it is more or less hopeless. I think perhaps I got a lot of great learning experiences, but I have to accept that her and I will never be a thing. She's been happily married for over 10 years.

I agree with you that perhaps it is my own ego or flesh playing tricks on me. I don't really think she is necessarily playing tricks on me. I doubt she has time. She is a busy health care worker with a small child.

I still can't for the life of me understand what caused someone I entrusted for years to turn on me like this. I guess she gave back to me what I gave to her. You see I developed feelings for her in my freshman year of college and her senior year in high school. We had said we missed each other, and things seemed to be taking a romantic turn. When she said she had a boyfriend I was hurt because I screwed up the signals. I was no longer very intimate with her about things and blew her off often. That's why I blew her off when she came to the same college as me. I guess if anything I learned that I can be vindictive and slow to forgive. I need to address that.

To this day I don't know what charged her up to come find me at that party. I feel cheated in a way though, because she showed up in my life, and when I said I had feelings for her she said she had a boyfriend, and that I was freaking her out. She is the one that came and found me and injected herself into my life uninvited. She was being very evasive towards me before that. After she said I was freaking her out, she came to me on AIM on her old highschool screen name (I still had no idea). I was excited to see my old friend after I had been hurt so badly. I thought well, I could definitely use a friend right now. So, I asked her to do something just as friends as I knew she always had boyfriends. I thought I could really use just a friend at that particular point. After all she had asked me to hang out when she came to school. Even though she was the one to message me, she blew me off. After I asked her to hang out she completely went dark on me. She said nothing. I guess she knew I would find out what was going on that she had snuck around behind my back and what would she really say when I found out she was the one that had hurt me. She continued to show up from time to time under her old screen name from high school to check in with me, but I could not let go her silence when I asked her to hang out. I didn't put two and two together that was the reason. I took it to mean that I was okay to be online buddies with but nothing more. It made me feel like such a loser. I couldn't open up to her anymore after this or take our conversations or friendship seriously.

After she had been married she would write health articles online. She is in the health field. She wrote articles about posture. They seemed directed toward me when I read them. She knew I had posture problems from my first screen name. The kids at high school called me slouch so, I figured I would just own the name and made it my screen name. I happen to despise that I did that now. I've spent over 5 years of steady chiropractic work to correct my posture after all these years. One thing I couldn't get over though, is she shared a posture article on Twitter. The article had something like don't be like quasimodo. She found that so funny on Twitter she felt the need to mention that part of the article. Like it was so funny someone with bad posture. I could not help but think that is all I am to her and her husband and their lovely life. I could not believe my friend whom I shared all these intimate details of my life would do that. I guess she is a different person or thinks I am some big joke? It just hurts because I had systemic misalignment problems, and I had no idea that there was even a way to correct until later than life. So, I guess that is who she is? She makes fun of people with back problems and names her daughter the same name I said her daughter's name was in an email I sent 10 years prior. Why does that seem like such a troll to me? Either way, any time I find myself slouching now because I am depressed, I tell myself you pick your head up. You don't have anything to be ashamed of...don't be the butt end of someone's joke just because you are having a tough time.

[kundalinikid]

I think you have a great outlook. You have to transform yourself and find your true self for sure. I think you could make something of your situation one day if you can do that. Just do it for yourself though, I think. Don't do it in the hope that man will come back into your life. Do it because you want to be your true authentic self and serve God. You may find your situation is as hopeless as mine one day. Or you may find it does work out like other people's TF stories often do. Either way, I wish you the best in your journey.

[kundalinikid]

I think my situation could easily be construed as erotomania:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotomania

Erotomania is more common in women, but men are more likely to exhibit violent and stalker-like behaviors.[4] The core symptom of the disorder is that the individual holds an unshakable belief that another person is secretly in love with them. In some cases, the person with the condition may believe several people at once are "secret admirers". Most commonly, the individual has delusions of being loved by an unattainable person who is usually an acquaintance or someone the person has never met.

[kundalinikid]

Looking at the some of the theories behind erotomania I found:
Sigmund Freud explained erotomania as a defense mechanism to ward off homosexual impulses which can lead to strong feelings of paranoia, denial, displacement and projection. Similarly, it has been explained as a way to cope with severe loneliness or ego deficit following a major loss.

When I analyze back to when this all started, I can admit that it started when I had an intense fear I could be attracted to men. Additionally, I was dealing with the loss of a close friend (roomate). I believe that fear, and my unwillingness to accept that aspect of myself led to this pattern of thinking. I could rationalize that I did not have those desires because how could I, I am in love with her. I believe the delusions sprung out of my own fear and unwillingness to accept aspects of myself.

I did some digging in astrological charts between our birth dates. I found that our particular birth dates could spark these kinds of realizations in each other. I can't find what site I used to run the birth chart so, I can't completely recall what it said exactly.

Regardless, mine is a precarious situation. I don't think I can seriously entertain the delusions and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can heal. I need to be honest and forgiving with myself. The problem is that I lived my life so long with the delusions. Fact: She doesn't want my love, and she has told me it scares/freaks her out multiple times. I feel like a completely broken person. Sometimes I just pray for it all to end so, I can just have a reset.