I am Transforming, Husband Isn't

[Butterfly-Ink]

My TF relationship with a married male began nearly 2 years ago. I was chasing and he ran. He tried to kick me out of his life, but I hung on and forgave him. He ran for 3 months and then came back, letting me chase again. Meeting at same place, same time caused him to run again. Now we are separated.

I am changing from the inside out. My husband is not and had no desire to change. Been married for 26 years. I am often confused and am realizing that I don't love who he has become. I am trying to work on the marriage, work on myself and leave TF alone (he works 4 blocks away from me). I don't know what I need to focus my attention on. Some days, I struggle so much with just letting TF be and not go back to chasing. My husband doesn't know about our "connection", but knows some basic info about what friendship was.

Letting go of TF is very emotional for me and although I feel it's the right thing to do now, I am not sure how much to tell husband. Thanks.

[Ariaecheflame]

You said that your husband has no desire to change yet you don't like who he has become?
That implies that he has changed and become something he wasn't before?

The truth is that nobody can change anybody except for ourselves so I'd just focus on your self. Use the lessons of this journey to love who you are unconditionally and when you have mastered that you may just find that your entire perspective and reality will change...

I know how difficult it can be to let go of these connections... it's a rough ride - but once I figured out that I could turn all that outwardly facing love inwards to my own heart and soul EVERYTHING started to change for me.

I was so in love with my pre - twin and it could be agony at times. Then I learned how to direct that love inwards for unconditional self love. I was like you too... I could not see my husband changing at all - it is just that I was doing the bulk template clearing as that is what the feminine collective signed up to do. Because my changes seemed so intensely transformational - when I compared myself to my husband he seemed so stagnate.
The truth as I began to see it is that he was a hugely anchoring force allowing me to have solid grounding to do this monumental soul work. Had we both been doing such intense work at the time we would have fallen apart completely. The energy would collapse under the weight.
And now that I have come to a place of inner balance and harmony I look out and see just how much richer and harmonious my relationship with my husband has become and in fact all of my relationships.
And as I changed... my husband also changed - it was just more subtle and in a way which suited his needs... it looked different to what I thought change should look like! As I grew in self love I mirrored it to him... and he also grew into more self love as a result...

Of course I could not see all these dynamics in play when I was in the guts of it...

It gets better! With perseverance and patience and kindness to self... it gets so much better.

[ByChance]

First, be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can, since it is not easy. To write works for me. I write and keep those letters for me. Maybe I send him one if I feel it has a purpose, not because I need a reaction from him. And I allow mysefl to cry and to feel the deep pain. I cry everyday. And do physical activities, I walk, I clean, organise, cook. I take care of my body, too, for example doing something as simple as applying cream on my face and feet. I try to concentrate in the now while doing those things. Is the way that helped me to be a bit more grounded.
He probably feels the compulsion to run the same amount you feel the need to chase. You can write to him if you can't avoid it, but he is not entitled to write you back. Now I think all the writing has a purpose. I wrote like crazy back in time. Emails and emails, messages, calls.
Maybe what I wrote here can help you:
http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.

Know others are experiencing the same as you. You are not alone.
Love and light for you. Namasté.

[ByChance]

Originally Posted by emeraldheart

You said that your husband has no desire to change yet you don't like who he has become?
That implies that he has changed and become something he wasn't before?

The truth is that nobody can change anybody except for ourselves so I'd just focus on your self. Use the lessons of this journey to love who you are unconditionally and when you have mastered that you may just find that your entire perspective and reality will change...

I know how difficult it can be to let go of these connections... it's a rough ride - but once I figured out that I could turn all that outwardly facing love inwards to my own heart and soul EVERYTHING started to change for me.

I was so in love with my pre - twin and it could be agony at times. Then I learned how to direct that love inwards for unconditional self love. I was like you too... I could not see my husband changing at all - it is just that I was doing the bulk template clearing as that is what the feminine collective signed up to do. Because my changes seemed so intensely transformational - when I compared myself to my husband he seemed so stagnate.
The truth as I began to see it is that he was a hugely anchoring force allowing me to have solid grounding to do this monumental soul work. Had we both been doing such intense work at the time we would have fallen apart completely. The energy would collapse under the weight.
And now that I have come to a place of inner balance and harmony I look out and see just how much richer and harmonious my relationship with my husband has become and in fact all of my relationships.

Oh, well said. You has helped me to see more clearly. Thank you.
And as you said, looking within is key. It is where the answer and the truth is. In the middle of the silence within ourselves.

[Ariaecheflame]

Originally Posted by ByChance

Oh, well said. You has helped me to see more clearly. Thank you.
And as you said, looking within is key. It is where the answer and the truth is. In the middle of the silence within ourselves.

we are amazing beings hehe.

As difficult as it can be to see in the middle of this journey is that there is a larger picture unfolding with outcomes that go far beyound what we can see and feel at the time!
Getting on the self - love and self acceptance train though is one step to fast track this ever unfolding destination.

Peace to you.

[Butterfly-Ink]

@emeraldheart: "You said that your husband has no desire to change yet you don't like who he has become?
That implies that he has changed and become something he wasn't before?

The truth is that nobody can change anybody except for ourselves so I'd just focus on your self. Use the lessons of this journey to love who you are unconditionally and when you have mastered that you may just find that your entire perspective and reality will change...

I know how difficult it can be to let go of these connections... it's a rough ride - but once I figured out that I could turn all that outwardly facing love inwards to my own heart and soul EVERYTHING started to change for me."

I meant to say he has no desire to change now. Before I met TF, I thought everything was fine, except for my lack of patience and temper! Through my experience with him, I am able to see my husband with new eyes and that our relationship has been mostly based on the physical. He has little substance, as the TV takes most of his time. He has never been one for self improvement.

I will continue to work on myself. What is interesting is that I have patience now and no temper, as I express my emotions as they come.

[Butterfly-Ink]

The link isn't working...is there another? I do write also and am trying to do things I really enjoy instead of things that I have to do. I have written him when he came back for 2 months....along with several "love yourself" books. I have never in my life been able to express my feelings so honestly and openly to someone else, and especially a male. Absolute vulnerability. But, I am not ashamed of anything I told him because it's my true self speaking. The last time I saw him was Nov 27, when we passed each other on a road, him on bike and me in the car. This has happened 6 times already.

Thanks for your reply and I am glad to be here.

[Ariaecheflame]

That is wonderful Butterfly ink. I had alot of difficulty expressing or even feeling my emotions before this journey - I am in much more flow with myself now days...I too write to express myself... it is a wonderful tool.

Originally Posted by Butterfly-Ink

My TF relationship with a married male began nearly 2 years ago. I was chasing and he ran. He tried to kick me out of his life, but I hung on and forgave him. He ran for 3 months and then came back, letting me chase again. Meeting at same place, same time caused him to run again. Now we are separated.

I am changing from the inside out. My husband is not and had no desire to change. Been married for 26 years. I am often confused and am realizing that I don't love who he has become. I am trying to work on the marriage, work on myself and leave TF alone (he works 4 blocks away from me). I don't know what I need to focus my attention on. Some days, I struggle so much with just letting TF be and not go back to chasing. My husband doesn't know about our "connection", but knows some basic info about what friendship was.

Letting go of TF is very emotional for me and although I feel it's the right thing to do now, I am not sure how much to tell husband. Thanks.

To be honest Yes, you seem to be caught in confusion, not to say delusion.
You say "I am changing from the inside out. My husband is not and has no desire to change".
And follow that with "I don't love who he has become."
If he hasn't changed and doesn't want to, doesn't that mean "I don't love that I've changed while he hasn't"?

Well, this is a forum and my suggestion is that you ask yourself which will give you the better long-term companionship. Are you sure this twin flame really is a twin flame - it sounds a little like a scorpion dance to me - chasing and running etc and you may end up alone and/or lonely. So please think carefully about sacrificing 26 years of marriage. It's very much a Leo thing to get caught up in romance when our current situation isn't offering much satisfaction - I know, I'm also Leo - very prone to leap before we look - and end up smarting (but it's exhilarating while it lasts).

I think if you really have let go then there may be no need to tell your husband. Does he suspect? Does he know and if so, does he care? Has he got something similar on the go? Is he companionable and a good friend?

I read a lot about how people love their "twins" here but rarely whether they like them. Liking someone and loving them is different to me.

So I hope you're able to rationalise your situation and choose the best way forward.

[Ariaecheflame]

I relate to where you are coming from Lorelyn. I too was ready to throw away what I had with my then fiance for what I percieved to be a great and exciting love of a karmic soulmate -
I am influenced by a Gemini Moon sign... and can tend towards reckless sponteneniety without great foresight at times as well!

Luckily my Taurean partner was patient and grounded enough to see it for what it was and endured these complicated and confusing times with me... as I worked through the lessons of the path.
It paid off too - it really did for the both of us - with so many more blessings for us and our relationship than what I could percieve at the time.

It can be so easy to get carried away in this wave... I know... it seems to offer something we percieve might be missing in our existing relationship... but real and enduring love often seems mundane in comparison to the love that is portrayed on the screen or the love we temporarily feel connected to in these connections... and the love we are programmed to assume...

As corny as it sounds... true and enduring love comes from within first... and then we can experience It externally... but all love eventually have aspects of the mundane... so if we run from high to high of new love - eventually we have to face the reality of mundane love within all relationships...

That is where the true magic really is though in my experience - in the depths of the mundane.