This is a very strange time

The last time I posted, I was just about three weeks away from seeing my connection again, after not seeing him for seven months.

He came in to the office Tuesday. It was different, not what I expected at all. He was different. But then, I'm different too. The fact is that until he's done with his business in the office (probably two more appointments), I don't think I'll get any answers. I will say that I wanted very badly to rush out and hug him when I saw him coming up the walk; I just want so much to not have to hide what I feel anymore.

What I really wanted to relay was how very strange the last few weeks have been. First of all (and I should have known this would be the case) I thought the time between finding out when I would see him and actually seeing him would drag by, but it was just the opposite. The days just flew past, as have the days since I've seen him. And yet, those same days are uniformly filled with stillness and silence. I don't have the motivation to do ANYTHING. I can't even really hold a focused train of thought (even about him). Work is almost impossible; if my boss wasn't so undemanding, I'd be gone for sure. I'm losing huge amounts of time to just sitting and staring.

I know, sounds like the typical soul connection hell, right? Except it's not. I'm not depressed or crying or agonizing or feeling like my heart is going to squeeze right out of my chest. I'm just kind of weightless, my consciousness can't seem to get any traction. Everything feels very surreal. The closer I got to seeing him, the more these "symptoms" intensified, and then got even stronger afterwards.

I just feel stuck in one moment in time, and yet at the same time I'm well aware that everything external to me is racing by, and even more than that, that something is approaching at warp speed. By comparison, last fall and winter, when we were in that period of universe-enforced separation, I felt like each minute was an hour long and like the whole world had become frozen at the same intolerable point in time.

I don't know what to make of the way I'm feeling right now. On one level I'm frustrated that I can't get anything done, but the fact is that these few weeks (the ones that have already gone by and the couple to go before I can realistically expect an answer) are just a very small portion of this nearly three year old journey, so maybe I should just go with it? Fighting it doesn't seem to accomplish anything anyway...

[NightSpirit]

Originally Posted by chartreuse

The last time I posted, I was just about three weeks away from seeing my connection again, after not seeing him for seven months.

He came in to the office Tuesday. It was different, not what I expected at all. He was different. But then, I'm different too. The fact is that until he's done with his business in the office (probably two more appointments), I don't think I'll get any answers. I will say that I wanted very badly to rush out and hug him when I saw him coming up the walk; I just want so much to not have to hide what I feel anymore.

What I really wanted to relay was how very strange the last few weeks have been. First of all (and I should have known this would be the case) I thought the time between finding out when I would see him and actually seeing him would drag by, but it was just the opposite. The days just flew past, as have the days since I've seen him. And yet, those same days are uniformly filled with stillness and silence. I don't have the motivation to do ANYTHING. I can't even really hold a focused train of thought (even about him). Work is almost impossible; if my boss wasn't so undemanding, I'd be gone for sure. I'm losing huge amounts of time to just sitting and staring.

I know, sounds like the typical soul connection hell, right? Except it's not. I'm not depressed or crying or agonizing or feeling like my heart is going to squeeze right out of my chest. I'm just kind of weightless, my consciousness can't seem to get any traction. Everything feels very surreal. The closer I got to seeing him, the more these "symptoms" intensified, and then got even stronger afterwards.

I just feel stuck in one moment in time, and yet at the same time I'm well aware that everything external to me is racing by, and even more than that, that something is approaching at warp speed. By comparison, last fall and winter, when we were in that period of universe-enforced separation, I felt like each minute was an hour long and like the whole world had become frozen at the same intolerable point in time.

I don't know what to make of the way I'm feeling right now. On one level I'm frustrated that I can't get anything done, but the fact is that these few weeks (the ones that have already gone by and the couple to go before I can realistically expect an answer) are just a very small portion of this nearly three year old journey, so maybe I should just go with it? Fighting it doesn't seem to accomplish anything anyway...

You can feel that all the time you know. You don't need another to reflect it to you, just look in the mirror and see your own soul...that's what he's showing you...the meeting of your own soul. Adding that other dimension of male attraction is diminishing or tarnishing the pureness of what he's showing you. So take it for what it really is...use that to empower your spirit and then once you've worked with that long enough to acknowledge its fullness, then open to a relationship thats of equal qualities. Right now, as you are, you are ungrounded and not using the opportunities given you.

Cheers

Originally Posted by NightSpirit

You can feel that all the time you know. You don't need another to reflect it to you, just look in the mirror and see your own soul...that's what he's showing you...the meeting of your own soul. Adding that other dimension of male attraction is diminishing or tarnishing the pureness of what he's showing you. So take it for what it really is...use that to empower your spirit and then once you've worked with that long enough to acknowledge its fullness, then open to a relationship thats of equal qualities. Right now, as you are, you are ungrounded and not using the opportunities given you.

Cheers

Hey NightSpirit - Sorry, can you clarify? Feel WHAT all the time? I don't want to feel this anymore...it's not enjoyable (a lack of negative doesn't automatically equal positive). Previously, I was at the place I think you're talking about, and it was actually reaching that place that seemed to remove whatever had been keeping the separation going.

This is more like...imagine having the TV on to a channel that's broadcasting only snow and it's really loud, and to see anything you have to look through the snow and to hear anything you have to listen over it, and so nothing's clear.

It's not that I've regressed to the place where I think need him to make me feel good about me; if I could get the snow out of my head I'm pretty sure I'd find I'm back in the good place, where I am enough. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, but I don't need to be.

I have a couple of theories as to what may be happening (both a little out there). First, a little more info: Another, more recent "symptom" is that I can't work with the tarot at all. Usually when I do draws the cards practically leap out at me - they literally feel warm - but now I'm getting nothing. In between the time I found out when I'd be seeing him again and up to a few days before, I was getting really consistent readings - all that he had a lot of (romantic) feelings for me and wanted the relationship. Right before the cards went cold, another aspect showed up, again very consistently - that although he has those feelings, he's restricting them, trying to restrict his thoughts, trying to narrow his focus. This would make sense given what I know of his situation (the one he's coming to my office about) - that he needs to focus on that wouldn't be a surprise. And it would fit with some of the ways in which his behavior when I last saw him was different than before.

What I think is that he may be focusing so hard on blocking me from his thoughts that the interference is kind of spilling over into my "space," if you will. My other theory is this: I'm getting close to the time this will be resolved (and it will be resolved, for better or worse, and no matter what it will have a significant emotional impact on me).That event, which if you don't really believe in linear time (I don't) has already occurred, is sending out vibrations/emotional energy (like a stone thrown into a pond), and I'm now "close" enough to be affected by them.

Anyway, don't know if that makes any sense or not...

[NightSpirit]

Originally Posted by chartreuse

Hey NightSpirit - Sorry, can you clarify? Feel WHAT all the time? I don't want to feel this anymore...it's not enjoyable (a lack of negative doesn't automatically equal positive). Previously, I was at the place I think you're talking about, and it was actually reaching that place that seemed to remove whatever had been keeping the separation going.

This is more like...imagine having the TV on to a channel that's broadcasting only snow and it's really loud, and to see anything you have to look through the snow and to hear anything you have to listen over it, and so nothing's clear.

It's not that I've regressed to the place where I think need him to make me feel good about me; if I could get the snow out of my head I'm pretty sure I'd find I'm back in the good place, where I am enough. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be with him, but I don't need to be.

I have a couple of theories as to what may be happening (both a little out there). First, a little more info: Another, more recent "symptom" is that I can't work with the tarot at all. Usually when I do draws the cards practically leap out at me - they literally feel warm - but now I'm getting nothing. In between the time I found out when I'd be seeing him again and up to a few days before, I was getting really consistent readings - all that he had a lot of (romantic) feelings for me and wanted the relationship. Right before the cards went cold, another aspect showed up, again very consistently - that although he has those feelings, he's restricting them, trying to restrict his thoughts, trying to narrow his focus. This would make sense given what I know of his situation (the one he's coming to my office about) - that he needs to focus on that wouldn't be a surprise. And it would fit with some of the ways in which his behavior when I last saw him was different than before.

What I think is that he may be focusing so hard on blocking me from his thoughts that the interference is kind of spilling over into my "space," if you will. My other theory is this: I'm getting close to the time this will be resolved (and it will be resolved, for better or worse, and no matter what it will have a significant emotional impact on me).That event, which if you don't really believe in linear time (I don't) has already occurred, is sending out vibrations/emotional energy (like a stone thrown into a pond), and I'm now "close" enough to be affected by them.

Anyway, don't know if that makes any sense or not...

Hi again

Sorry I didn't put it very clear, did i? I was referring to the connection (him) and that of your soul reflected back to you. Although yours are up and down, the highs of this type of connection are accessible to you all the time without him around, because they eminate from within you. Does that make sense?

As for your two theories.....either/or could be correct, or none. You'll drive yourself batty trying to analyse it all the time and come up with theories that you can never be sure of. It's better to keep doing your own work and allow him to be free and do whats in his path. If its meant to be, then it will be so without all that struggle.

Cheers

What you’re talking about "a very strange time"

I agree.. my reality is weird as well..

I don't know what's going on.. but change is in the air as it always is..

I think you should share your feelings.. holding back doesn't help.. but I also think that your relationship may be on hiatus forever or indefinitely.. your most important relationship you can have is with YOURSELF

And so if I were you.. I would follow your excitement.. seek out happiness anywhere you can find it.. even in the mundane.. that's what I'm doing anyway.. didn't say I was good at it.. but I try

@NightSpirit - thanks for clarifying; yes, it does make sense. What doesn't make sense to me is what role relationships, having emotional and physical intimacy with another, are "supposed" to play for those who have gotten to the point where they feel that all the time from themselves. Having that type of closeness with another person is truly a beautiful thing, IMHO, and I want that with him...I'll be fine without it, ultimately, I know that, but I do want it.

@themaster - re: sharing my feelings - yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to handle it; I want to tell him to his face, to look into his eyes while I tell him how I feel but I'm afraid that that is just going to lead to me rambling on infinitely and not getting across the basics of what I want to say. What I think I might do is just write it down in a (brief!) note, making it clear I don't expect a response, and give it to him only if necessary. I do think it's still quite possible he's going to make the first move...we shall see.

Do you mind if I ask why you think "(my) relationship may be on hiatus forever or indefinitely"?

Originally Posted by chartreuse

Do you mind if I ask why you think "(my) relationship may be on hiatus forever or indefinitely"?

He may not share the same feelings..

2. Many of us alone right now on purpose.. to work on ourselves.. meaning we can't have relationships.. since the focus is OURSELVES

I'm for your note.. or if you don't judge it badly.. text or tweet him.. keep it short and simple.. let your body language do the talking (body language also being aura )

Originally Posted by themaster

He may not share the same feelings..

2. Many of us alone right now on purpose.. to work on ourselves.. meaning we can't have relationships.. since the focus is OURSELVES

I'm for your note.. or if you don't judge it badly.. text or tweet him.. keep it short and simple.. let your body language do the talking (body language also being aura )

Yes...I realize he may not feel the same, although I'm about as certain as one can be of anything that the connection is real (not the same thing, I know). But I've gotta say, I'm tired of working on myself in a void... I don't have any urge at all to spend the next several decades alone and trying to "grow" or "evolve," nor do I think that that is really what the universe intends for the vast majority of us...one of the major ways we learn about ourselves is through having relationships with others...otherwise its just all theory and no practice. If you don't have relationships, then you are never put in a situation where you can test what you have been learning. Maybe it will be with him and maybe with someone else, but I don't believe I would have been shown (through my vision) a glimpse of what a relationship could really be (I'd never known it could be like what I experienced) if I wasn't going to get to have the opportunity for that kind of relationship WITH ANOTHER.

I'm not the text or tweet kind of gal (don't even know how, and have no urge to find out), so an "old-fashioned" written note will have to suffice. I agree, short and simple is definitely best, and I love what you said about letting my body language/aura do the talking!

I feel v weird as well, and I'm close to seeing my possible 'soul connection' after a few months apart. 1 minute I feel like I'm over it completely and dreamt the whole thing up, the next minute I've got this incredible heart pull to him and am crying out of sadness and fear that we'll never be together. It's an emotional rollercoaster. :(

Originally Posted by loverevolution

I feel v weird as well, and I'm close to seeing my possible 'soul connection' after a few months apart. 1 minute I feel like I'm over it completely and dreamt the whole thing up, the next minute I've got this incredible heart pull to him and am crying out of sadness and fear that we'll never be together. It's an emotional rollercoaster. :(

I know what you mean - the fear of this not happening has been one of the hardest things to deal with for me.

One key for me was analyzing what I was really afraid of. I know that I love him, and in a way and at a level that I've never experienced with anyone else, so there is certainly an aspect to the fear of just being afraid that I wouldn't get to experience it fully with him (i.e., in a real relationship).

But I also realized that part of the fear was my ego being afraid that if it didn't happen, the inevitable conclusion was that I HAD "dreamt the whole thing up," and how stupid and pathetic that would make me feel. Like, how could anyone be so silly as to manufacture a deep soul connection with someone out of thin air?

Another part of it was the fear that if it didn't happen, it was because I had screwed something up or wasn't good enough. This is a big one for me because of the vision - since I literally experienced a point in time (in the future) when we WERE together, it has always seemed to me that that was at the very least in the real realm of possibility, so the conclusion I drew was that if it didn't happen, it was because I messed it up somehow. I felt this way too about the fact of the connection in general - I'm pretty sure I didn't imagine it, so what would it say about me if he just chose not to be in a relationship with me?

It took me a long while but I finally realized that I had it all wrong, at least regarding the fear of feeling silly or of having him choose not to be with me. Fact is that his choices aren't about ME at all - they're about him and where he is or isn't at. I believe with all my heart in the connection itself...but the fact of the connection doesn't mean he's going to choose to walk the same path as me at all.

So that leaves the fear of just not getting something I know could be so beautiful...and that is definitely the hard one. I'm 44 and he is the only person I've ever felt like this about...odds seem to me to be against meeting another person I have this level of connection with. Many years ago I did have a soul connection relationship, but it was not nearly at this level.

I don't know if any of this resonates...all I can say is hang in there and try to remember that his choices say more about him than they do about you.