Should say something or not?

-------------------

never mind this thread. had a question but now sure on what to do :)

Ok so now I saw that Traveler replied - after i deleted, LOL - sorry about that - Thank you so much Traveler :)

The thread is about if to alert professional if the scenario is that as my luv has autism if the younger generation has it too or just let it be. There were few signs of it before but adjusted. The strong component seem to be anxiety and needing things in order, and how to calm that down, learn techniques etc, but if the professionals don't react should one say something or not? or are we doing good enough as it is for the younger generation? so these were my questions basically.

[Traveler]

You don't 'become' autistic. It is something you're born with. I think getting help would be a good idea. Especially for the anxiety. I'm a fan of research and reading. Learning more about how autism affects him and the relationship would be good for both of you. He would begin to recognize when his autism is feeding his anxiety and you would learn to recognize when he's driving you batty that it's his autism and not take it personally.

Next steps: read some books, I guess. Find a couples counselor who has experience with autistic adults.

Hi Traveler - again really thank you from the bottom of my heart, you don't know how valuable your replies are to me.

yes I was surprised to read that it could be something developed after long term absence of physical tenderness. Everything else before that had told me it was just like you write something you are simply born with.

Even if his first family first so sternly told me they do not do physical tenderness I have to say even despite that and studying a younger generation I could see that there seem to be a less of a need in one, and then it gets intertwined to me - after having read that it is something that can be developed over time because of lack of physical tenderness - me thinking what if that is what did it?

But like you point out the massive studies say it is something you are born with.

Yes I think that is very good advice you give :)

I am already lighter as in having now realized looking back at some hurtful stuff that it was because of his autism.

He has too I think been raised in an atmosphere where there is more temper going on, no direct communication, so that has been his normal too only he is not like that as a dad, as a dad, he is overall a really good one. If a child screams at him, even in that moment - he has such a beautiful tender and sort of wise look in his eyes, definitely empathy. It is strange to me how he can see it is anxiety, fear, in a child but he can't read those signs within himself at times.

Before I did not reflect so much about his temper being the way it was, as overall I'm used to it, I suppose, people generally speaking having more of a temper than I do, they too can just blurt it all out and then later tell me thank you for listening, feels like I can tell you anything, LOL. When he is as sorry as he is afterwards he is hard to resist, love the guy, but he irritates me so much some times when it is about things that I don't understand how he can see them like that. So it has been this pull, forth and back.

[Traveler]

yes I was surprised to read that it could be something developed after long term absence of physical tenderness. Everything else before that had told me it was just like you write something you are simply born with.

I think that is old like 40+ years old information. Moms were blamed for it, if I remember correctly. There are actually physical differences in the brain that show up in MRIs.

I really think things will get better between the two of you over time as you become to understand the ways his autism comes into play and as he begins to understand that as well as recognizing his anxiety. Addressing the anxiety and getting it treated either with medication or supplements would be a really good idea so he can re-adjust to a new normal that isn't controlled by his anxiety.

I've been married for 25 years and there are times my hubs irritates the absolute heck out of me.

I forgot to mention too that I am not exactly Mrs Perfect. I have my faults.

But that is what is strange too, where I don't understand him, as he has always kept on saying that he think I am easy to live with, (still he does what he does with the cleaning-part, OCD? just to name an example).

That was too why he refused us to see someone professional before as he thought we had it too good and only blamed my change in me being sensitive so he then blamed me for it and somehow as it would be in my head when it was not. If it was that character-fault in me then I would have gotten in trouble where ever I went, with other people and in my profession as well and I haven't.

He has apologized for that a long time ago saying he just thought overall we didn't have big problems on our hands and he felt as if he was he guess more happy, contempt with me, our life, than I was with him and he could feel me at first shifting, going forth and back, and then withdrawing but it was because the pain was too much for me to handle and I was at first so sad that someone I loved the way I loved him would treat me like that and also in its own way allow me to be treated badly. When I had felt not good enough for so long I then began to get angry, validate how I really felt, and realize the only one who could do something about it was me, I could not wait to be heard, to be rescued. I had to rescue myself.

Where he comes from first thing that happens is that if someone gives critique they project, say the same or something else about you, which does not solve the current issue.

He would come around afterwards wanting to solve it, but I would say he as of recently was close to again projecting, as it comes so natural to him, but he then didn't.

I don't want us to go on broken glas around each other, I want to go back to balance, to what we once had, or better than that now with a different understanding, if over time, that would be a possibility.

I think some things like his social anxiety is something he has tried to hide from everyone always and so that got to be his natural and he did not communicate that with me the way I had wanted him to.

I also used to think that why he hated to go on those things was because his parent could and would create scenes. This is how it has always been. He was used to that. Would remember that since he was a kid, everyone did, does. That parent got away with it. Always had it's loyal family by it's side. Both he and I have in some way been the adults, been the parents to our own parents even when we were both children. My luv did not want those kind of scenes, those kind of dramas. He wanted/wants to stay out of it. But he did not communicate that with me. It felt as if he had just drop me in a foreign world with blindfolders on.

There has been lots of things where I have waited for him to say something, do something, but he hasn't and that would make me insecure. I've been in the dark of some things and had to try to figure things out on my own.

[Traveler]

Yeah, I can see all of that too in my daughter. For years she refused medication for her anxiety and I tried all kinds of supplements, homeopathy, herbs but she would not stick with it. She felt that if she got on medication it would change her personality. And I would repeatedly tell her that it would actually do the opposite and allow her true personality to come forward. Eventually, she agreed to get on zoloft and she realized how much easier her life was not having to deal with anxiety all the time. Of course now it's come back because she's facing two big life decisions regarding college and after college. And she's just been recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism.

OCD can be treated, though. It doesn't have to control him.

Thank you Traveler, that's really good you could recognize it in her for what it really was and help her that way, and now she at least knows and that she can deal with it much better then.

That things will calm down after that period in her life. That she has found a medication that is working for her.

I have to say she must have had such a good first home with you and your family in order for it to be missed like that before, all that time, you must have done a really good job. Be proud of yourselves as well.

About the cleaning part that sounds just swell :)

We'll see how this goes.

[Traveler]

Originally Posted by asearcher

That things will calm down after that period in her life. That she has found a medication that is working for her.

I have to say she must have had such a good first home with you and your family in order for it to be missed like that before, all that time, you must have done a really good job. Be proud of yourselves as well.

She is so high functioning that autism wasn't on the radar for us or her teachers. She is amazingly smart, gifted and creative. She's made straight As all through school. Was talking in complete sentences as soon as she turned 2. It was like a switch had flipped and she was speaking 2-4 new words every day.

It's been frustrating though. Getting the anxiety under control and she learned to drive and we sent her off to college. Not that there weren't bumps in the road and that it didn't take time but we could see her growing more independent and doing her own thing, which we 100% supported. But the ADHD and autism was holding her back. It was her friends in college who suggested that she get tested as they recognized things in her that were common to their autism and adhd, having been diagnosed at a much younger age. All that support she could have had if she'd been evaluated at a much younger age, I wonder if she'd be struggling so much now. *sigh* Getting girls diagnosed for autism or adhd is such a struggle anyway since their symptoms rarely are the ones that boys display so they get labled as 'shy' or 'quiet' or 'lazy'.

We're still trying to figure out how to go forward after her diagnosis. Her GP has prescribed adderall and that is helping with the fatigue. But we need to get her out into the world, with a regular job. Somewhere.