I think incarnation is key...there are so many things that only present themselves for challenge and growth during incarnation...and not just from this life. Though that's plenty...
Funny I've always had a real resistance to looking at my past lives.
A real dread. It took many years to come to terms with the most recent life (as a woman who died young), or the key bits I recalled -- unlike the others, more as if in a dream that's not in sharp focus -- and I had no desire to delve further into any of it, into any of them.
But now another one came to the fore, and it was more or less representative of those earlier lives that I recall (as a man).
And I now understand why. I was either murdered or betrayed for murder, all by those closest to me (brother, friend, partner). And my own shortcomings (the usual suspects...inability to speak of my feelings, prioritising the cause over those I loved, sowing insecurity iin those I love with my work (which was viewed as a threat to their safety). Most of all, I couldn't face the fear and loathing in the eyes of my brother, or knowing/feeling after death it was true of the others as well. It was like the same eyes, the same fear and loathing, so carefully concealed but which I always, always chose to ignore. I always chose to see the love, which is a truth, but which got me killed in my prime, in my simple naivete and my well-meaning but unsophisticated ways of the heart.
Anyway, I think the burden of dying early doesn't allow many things to be recognised, dealt with, and learnt from. Most of all, there is no opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation in the flesh, person-to-person. I forgave the murder even as it happened. But the sadness is profound. Previously I had thought I struggle with low mood because of my childhood and because I died last round as a young woman with a pervasive feeling of failure -- after a short but harsh lifetime of marginalisation, without dignity or voice, and without value. Struggling to eat, to feed my child, to survive and to avoid rape.
Now I realise the sadness is pervasive across several lifetimes, and that as a man, those whom I loved most deeply felt enough fear and loathing to kill me on several occasions. It's very different to dying for a cause or on the battlefield...or even accidentally. There is a profound sadness involved, and it is unchanged across lifetimes.
As a woman, I didn't face a violent death because as a young woman, I had a sexual utility that could potentially be tapped or exploited. Yet as fate would have it, I still died very young. I thought I was loved in that lifetime as a woman by someone (not the husband who abandoned me), but given the situation, I still didn't feel truly known or valued as a person. I felt I had to get my own dignity back, or no one else would do it for me. It's hard to say if I was right or wrong...I died soon after due to exposure, trying to rectify my situation (to obtain a divorce).
And one more thing...the man I loved felt abandoned by me and I felt his anger and his hatred. I am not sure if they were stronger than the love, but I hoped that was not the case. I felt that he had never forgiven me, but I hoped that maybe in this lifetime he would. But in the last year, I have come to know that the same man has likely killed or betrayed me in earlier lifetimes too...that is, he said that he was, and that he had only just realized it. And last lifetime, when he felt abandoned and never knew why, it only resulted in more hatred and anger toward me.
There is a lesson here, but I'm not sure I have the whole of it yet.
For certain, I am so happy to have a child this lifetime, to be a single mom who can feed her child, who has finally lived past 35 or 40...(
), who has close friends and family who love me as I am...who know I'm not perfect but who wouldn't kill me, hahaha....even my grumpy dad who never wanted kids & resented my existence has mellowed a bit and has come to respect me for standing for who I am. This lifetime is just a regular ordinary lifetime, with TIME now to mend fences, to forgive and to reach out in love. Time I never had before...time to think, to reflect, and time to learn how to speak of my thoughts and feelings for others. To tell them I care. That I love them...that I'm sorry where I was wrong, or ignorant of their concerns and their feelings. This ordinary life, nothing special, is a rip-roaring success compared to all the lives past, I'd say.
The pervasive sadness remains, but as long as I try to reach out and address it, to love and to forgive, I reckon I'm doing all I can do. It took my whole lifetime to date of working this same philosophy toward my dad...and progress was glacial. I'd assumed there'd be none. But in fact, there has been some small movement fwd. And for him, it's probably a sea change. I realise this lesson is what everyone else who's lived full-term lives already knew. That love above all is patient and kind. Especially when it's hard, when you're despised, unforgiven, and shunned. It's ok to choose love and forgiveness and not to be ashamed. It doesn't mean you're a fool or that you're stupid, even when past lives say otherwise. Though it's on me to do my part to forgive, to seek forgiveness and reconcile -- still,
the evidence on the ground outside of me is not "the final proof" of what is ultimately real and true within me, or even within others that may appear to loathe me or hate me. Everything is still in progress, still becoming...and I am simply honouring this reality of potential and becoming by choosing love and forgiveness.
And above all, that it's allowable to hope for change, even if no discernible change is forthcoming. It's ok to believe in growth and transformation regardless of "the evidence". It's ok to leave a space for a mutual forgiveness and reconciliation, even if none is offered in return. It's not naïve or foolish or stupid if it's chosen consciously throughout a lifetime, beyond the ignorance or naivete of youth.
IMO, the lesson of incarnation is something along the lines of ultimately, love and forgiveness are given and received for their own sake. And we have to choose to align with love and forgiveness,
especially when it's hard. The other part of the lesson is that we are hear to be kind and to give and receive grace, love, and friendship with one another...that's how we mend the rift, and our hearts as well. But we have to choose to love and to forgive, and ultimately we will have to choose to reconcile...in whatever time and place.
Because it's always going to come down to choosing love over hate and forgiveness over fear and loathing. Otherwise, there's always a reason to hate, to choose fear and loathing...there's always a reason not to love, and not to forgive.
Given the blows we have endured, we often have to consciously choose to side with the love in our hearts, and fortify that love over the hatred and the rage we may feel. From a place of love, forgiveness and even mutual reconciliation is always possible.
But these are revelations, insights, and fresh choices based on inspiration and changes of heart that we are given only in the physical realm.
Because in spirit, all is transparent and known...there is no delay, no space between. And likely, with those you've loved over many lifetimes...apologies would be said all round, and all would be forgiven.
There's always work, but it's not quite the same kind of work or struggle as when we are both spirit and body. Especially, there's not the same kind of translation of your true heart and your true feelings into day-to-day intent, thought, word, and deed when in spirit. That's for the physical realm.
Peace & blessings all
7L
Threaded Mode