wHY ME???PLEASE HELP

I agree that one going into a relationship really needs to (ideally) have their act together as best as possible, with other friends, interests, grounding in their life as is. Relationship/s then, with something on one's own plate already to offer another.

Where I think I veer from some of this as to being whole & not needing another is that people are not an island. Humans need other humans to share with & grow. So it's not as if people enter into a friendship/dating/marriage, with a fixed self, but that there is anticipation of growth within the connection. It's ok to need another person but not in a sense of being non-selfreliant (unless one literally does need care of which extremely disabled/elderly do at times need).

IE, in marriage, there are often roles. For instance, wife cooks dinner (most nights), laundry, husband takes out trash, does repairs. Perhaps the man is more knowledgable in the area of mechanics, the woman likes to cook & be domestic. They need each other in the aspect of enriching each other's life.
They share in some activities, social, at home & in the world. Each one has a strength/s to share. There is growth it's not a static existance.

I also tend to disagree when I hear that there are no expectations because I think this is also unrealistic in life when with others. People can & often are disappointed at times when things don't go as one likes (which is normal) but without order, of this person is, for example, going to be there in a marriage to for the most part function as a partner by, taking out trash, repairing broken items, affection, intimacy, etc., being flexible of course yet there are expectations in life. It's not a rigid reality because people vary in their interests, skills & even within genders. But the idea that somehow people reach this place where they do not need another to me doesn't resonate.

When I met tf (supposed tf), I had friends, a well rounded life. I was very at peace in my life. I however wanted to get married. My idea of marriage is to share, a life, responsibilities, affection, intimacy, spiritually, faith. I believed that I would grow in that relationship but I also tried very hard to have my act together that I would be as whole as I could be upon dating & thus marrying.

I think I understand what people mean & it's pretty much likely what I am saying but I guess when I hear others tell someone that they need to be whole & not need another or have expectations in a relationship/marriage just doesn't make sense to me. There is that (expectations & needs) in all of life.

Even on my own I have to care for myself, shop, eat, keep in touch with family, friends, I continue doing what I love & want to also add to my interests that I am interesting! When I make a friend or in friendship I also expect that they do not have active substance abuse issues (using), that they too are commited to a healthy life of their own. I desire to share with those that I have similar spiritual connections with. It's not cut & dry & people are maliable.

This is where I feel that seeing to one's soul, their best self & then being best self is how maturity evolves.
I can say that even as adult & older now I still change, have aha moments, & desire to increase what I know that it is pleasing to GOD.

The unconditional love, is another area of which I guess it's the terminology that doesn't resonate with me. I believe one can love at all times but again in life there are expectations of (self & others, such is life & reality/ malliable, evolving)> loving at all times.

I think the key is being enhanced, embracing, loving one's own life then desiring to share with that special person/persons, family, etc.
Does that make sense?

I love my own life, my interests are developed, I am at peace with my life & self. I did marry & right now not interested in that again. However I love being around others & sharing in communion particularly spiritually that which is unique, loving, lifing others up as able.

Over the years I think what trips me & others up (in my mind) is believing that one does not need others/another because we do need others!
It's that it's most important to trust in God 1st, that one is happy & whole as possible by commiting to a good life & happiness with God & within & then outward & for HIM (GOD). That is the sharing..
(imo)

People work so hard to keep society at this top down of which every man for him/her self, & that people really shouldn't need others, when this is far from truth .. it it embracing in love, God, self, others.
OK had my 2cents worth.. been wanting to say this.

I think those of us that are older understand this because life has a way of humbling & with various circumstances of reality in needing (even when one does not want) for instance doctor, lawyer, etc.. but those that are younger often confuse statements of, one should not expect or need when in relationship but be whole in self.. I guess I think for someone younger in particular that can become confusing because in reality it's not true.
When people live like this they also forgoe sharing & then they end up expecting partner to not need them & .. again I guess it's not my reality..

I think the independence is interdependence & it's love, not unconditional but loving always. OK said my peace. hope I didn't step on toes I have been wanting to say this & I respect each person's opinion/reality that we are each different..

For me also what I see is so important in relationships, particularly that of marriage, is to understand what one desires, specifically. Is it to marry & raise children, is it within a church, faith, & if so which one, how does that play out. If no children desired as such then what is it that the couple wants to focus on, outside of self, again is it faith, career, volunteering together, going on trips. I believe that the couple needs to have some focus outside/greater than self. But the needs as to human needs would be that people do need, others, to share etc. It's that Divine Focus, of which is very individual & then between the couple that I see as most important.
Again these are my thoughts..