"If You Ever Did Believe"

I'm not even going to confirm this thought with my guidance before I share it. I had some major insight this morning and I think it is the key to my entire twin soul separation. It's not some big "a-ha" moment but to me it... oh my god I just want to weep but I can't because I am at work.

When he first ran he was silent long enough to show me the energy had changed, about two weeks. I finally got him to respond by sending him this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGM3fsJ44Jk

I meant it like... "if you ever did believe in us then you'll give us a chance." Ha! It is ME not believing!!

I am so damn afraid that I am not lovable! IT IS HORRIBLE. I don't know why I feel like this, and I have to get over it. My guidance keeps telling me, "Ignore your gift and your gift ignores you." I know "gift" means love quite often with my guidance so all this time, for weeks now, I have been trying to love him more, hold on to my love for him. But see that's not it. Ugh. That's not it at all! They have been forcing me to accept and own that he loves me.

Every time we talk and he says I love you I question it. I pick it apart, inspect it for it's depth and character. Does he mean it? How long will it last? How can he love me? And sometimes I am reassured... other times Spirit will test me in order to push me past this.

This song. I sent it to him months ago with the intention that it's all from me to him. Now I listen to the beginning and that is me: "You left me now and it's seasoned my soul. I continue to build the wall. You were so strong I fell to my knees and I don't think I can handle this at all..."

But I swear the rest of this song after that first few lines is him; it's why I stumbled across it as the first song I sent to him after we separated. It was meant as a message to me. I thought I was begging him to love me again when I was being told to instead believe in his love. It is so him to me! I've been so wounded. I've doubted his love from the very beginning because it was so huge, so real, so pure and so true. I was terrified of that love, as bad as I wanted it I was so scared to lose it. That it would not last. That he'd just leave and forget me... and holy sheep exactly that is what happened. I never felt anyone could love me like that. And that is my biggest lesson in all of this.

Isn't it funny how insight hits all at once? This entire experience has been to show me my fears of being unlovable, and how much he loves me. It has been the most magical, surreal, "non-reality" situation I could possibly imagine. He is playing this role to push me to believe in love. *face palm* This is why, for years, my guidance told me to "open my heart." I was always confused because I love so hard! I love everyone! But see they meant open my heart to accept love, to believe in it. To believe I AM LOVE AND LOVABLE. When I met my twin I pulled three cards. Each one, EACH ONE, from different decks spoke of opening my heart. And I pulled the special soul mate card, the one that says be open minded because often the one and only soul mate will be packed in ways you don't expect: little bow legged Atheist golf fanatic scientist, lololol. Couldn't be packaged any more off-the-wall for me... and I couldn't ask for anything more. He's perfect.

I wonder what my guidance is going to say to me, lol. "Finally you figured it out?" Even my key song, "Take on Me," points to this- love me please even though I am leaving you soon... but I am going to come back for you.

I am a fighter. I have loved him through all of this but I will tell you something- I am DONE believing that my love is so worthless that someone like my twin soul could love me immensely and then just DROP me overnight. I never did believe it could be true even though it hurt so bad, like my worst nightmares become reality. It always felt orchestrated somehow. But I fear badly sometimes. My past, past lives even, must have really ingrained in me a fear that I am not lovable. Horrible isn't it? I am this little walking ball of love, like a teddy bear come to life. I know I am loveable.

Lately my son keeps telling me, "Mommy I love you so much. You are so sweet and I want to keep you forever." They speak through him you know, all the time. All the time.

My life is UNREAL. I love my twin soul. I know he wants to be with me, wants to love me, wants to be open with me but is playing his role to get me past all of this. Maybe, finally, I can write through this with an understanding of what it's been about. My drinking and all the rest is an offshoot from being afraid I can't ever be loved enough for someone to cherish me and stay with me. NONSENSE. Utter nonsense, and I am done with this big fat monster now.

Thanks for reading. I know there must be others on this forum who feel the same way. I know my twin "ran" not because he was afraid of my love- but to thrust me into The Dark Night of The Soul so I could finally face this. His messages to me on Sunday... I think I understand now. They were my worst nightmare put into words: I want you but I don't love you. You have no idea... that's what twin souls will do if you can't pull yourself out of your fear. They BECOME it so you can see it clearly. They will manifest into your biggest monster so you can't run from it or ignore it. That is the mirroring.

Well I'm not accepting it. I don't believe it nor do I not believe I am lovable.

So there!

[amitc]

I feel ya! I'm at a point where I'm really trying to see the mirror side of it. And I'm starting to finally understand how we work as mirrors. It was so hard to see when I was in the crazy times but now that I've surrendered I'm able to see it all clearly. I've also been trying to overcome my fears which are totally stupid and irrational when it comes down to it. The whole how can he love me if he is with her thing... It's a different kind of love because it's deeper and on a totally different level. I have love for my soul mate who I've been dating while TF has been doing his own thing and I still have strong love and a place for him. So why wouldn't he have the same for me? I know there's a place for me as I have a place for him. He's shown me that in the past and every so often he does little things to show me he's still around. I'm not afraid of him forgetting me because I know he can't. My soul family has really helped me believe this too. There have been a few light bulb moments this week and it continues to make me feel freer and lighter. I'm going to be seeing him this weekend at a festival as we both have mutual friends and his gf will be there. This time I'm not going to be afraid, or jealous or nervous or any of that. I'm ready for it because I love myself and I know he has love for me too. If you ever have doubt look around at all the people who can't forget you. They are the ones that matter most and the ones that show you how real love is. I'm happy you are having light bulb moments too! All of us are unforgettable :)

[airydoug]

For those who just said that they all feel the same. They chose differently, yet u wouldn't have. If both aren't married with kids I mean. Don't you see a huge difference in that? You deserve better than that. Unless you're married with a kid, you choose the one that you love and have and will always love. You choose the one that 'you' can't live without.

If they did that, respect that. You have absolutely no idea how deep love can and will run between 2 people who find a way to be together, even when there are people trying to stop them. No offence, amitc, just trying to be realistic and respect the choices that people make.

[amitc]

Airydoug, no offense taken but I would appreciate if you stopped coming to the conclusion that I want to mess up people's lives because of where I started.

Something to keep in mind is that I'm 25, he's 24. We are young. I've only been on this journey for two years and to be honest anything can happen, we have a long long way to go in my opinion. You're right, I would have chosen differently along with many other people on this forum. Just because he chose someone over me doesn't mean that it's the end all and be all nor does it mean I hope or want him to break up with her. He's not at a point where I would want to be with him anyway. I've grown so much and he is still standing still. That's him and that's fine. I'm above that. I'm at a point now where I'm giving them their space and his choice is his choice and I'm happy for him. I've learned to find comfort in the best friends a girl could ask for and myself and have learned to let go, overcome a s*** tonne of fears and expectations and am extremely proud of where I am. That's what I'm focused on, not weaseling my way into his life to get what I thought I wanted in the start when ego was a monster and I didn't know what the hell was going on. As I've mentioned the fear of being second best, forgotten and unloved was and still is a huge for me to overcome and work on. How else was I supposed to face it? I needed a huge push and this is what was brought my way. This is my story, I'm owning it and I love what it's done for me no matter how wild and unconventional. That's it that's all :)

[airydoug]

What?? ? He's still standing still, excuse me but who are you to say that? No one ever stands still! Just so long as he's not with you he's not growing? Sorry but that is so out of line, lol. He's probably happy and strong and you just don't like that, so that's your own projection. We all grow, all the time. We choose those who bring out the best in us, growyh and spiritual challenges, not the worst, not unhealthy lessons. We acknowledge the unhealth if it doesn't serve us and move on. Respect that. From what you just said, you're the one in denial.

Sorry but that's my opinion and I don't respect anybody taking ownership of someone's growth like that. For you to say that. An ex karmic mate of many was always saying rubbish like that to me.

Think twice before you speak amitc.

[amitc]

Lol take a breath. That was totally the wrong choice of words for what I meant. Of course he's growing in a spiritual sense. We all are. I meant overall growth which includes real world things and goals he spoke about but hasn't taken hold of. Like getting a solid job, cutting back the partying, living somewhere that doesn't include sleeping on a friends couch every night, saving for the future, travel... These are basic things. Whatever his reasons for not taking hold are his and that's fine. But I'm past being a broke 20something and my life is finally falling back into place. That's his choice and you're right, I shouldn't and don't claim ownership for that so stop projecting your own situation onto me and making me look like the other person you feel is claiming to be your twin's twin. It's getting ridiculous and I'm over it. Please and thank you.

[Awakened Queen]

Originally Posted by airydoug

What?? ? He's still standing still, excuse me but who are you to say that? No one ever stands still! Just so long as he's not with you he's not growing? Sorry but that is so out of line, lol. He's probably happy and strong and you just don't like that, so that's your own projection. We all grow, all the time. We choose those who bring out the best in us, growyh and spiritual challenges, not the worst, not unhealthy lessons. We acknowledge the unhealth if it doesn't serve us and move on. Respect that. From what you just said, you're the one in denial.

Sorry but that's my opinion and I don't respect anybody taking ownership of someone's growth like that. For you to say that. An ex karmic mate of many was always saying rubbish like that to me.

Think twice before you speak amitc.

OMG get a grip. Stop projecting your $hit onto amitc.

I can relate to you, Norligh!

Myself and a dear friend of mine have both been cheated on emotionally and physically by our other halves, our mirrors. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what insecurities lead them to those choices because that's all it is, insecurity and ego. A need for attention, a need for an escape route when dealing with the one you love more than life itself.

I've learned so much recently.

With all due respect sometimes twin souls meet and they are married to others or in a committed relationship already. It happens and the universe will figure it out. I had an affair before I met my twin soul and it helped clear me out before I met him. The man was my soul mate and I blogged about him because he is my love in my heart forever. I never ever disrespected him or his marriage, and of course I felt bad for loving a married man. I made sure to protect him and be a friend and support to him while I knew him, and we actually became friends after being lovers. He played an integral role in SAVING MY LIFE and I will forever be grateful for my "southern angel." My twin soul actually purged me of that guilt by reading it in me and asking me about it. I loved my soul mate dearly! Luckily when I met my twin we were both amazingly single but it does not happen like that all the time. Love can happen even when human contracts have been made. SOUL could care less about a signed piece of paper. The key is the respect that is involved in the situation until it changes, if it ever does. Please do not judge another person's path if you have not walked in her shoes. It just is not right. Please do not preach all over my hopeful thread with your preconceived humanity-based notions about what love is. Love and light people. Love and light :) Let's support each other, not judge.

Originally Posted by airydoug

For those who just said that they all feel the same. They chose differently, yet u wouldn't have. If both aren't married with kids I mean. Don't you see a huge difference in that? You deserve better than that. Unless you're married with a kid, you choose the one that you love and have and will always love. You choose the one that 'you' can't live without.

If they did that, respect that. You have absolutely no idea how deep love can and will run between 2 people who find a way to be together, even when there are people trying to stop them. No offence, amitc, just trying to be realistic and respect the choices that people make.

[amitc]

Thank you Norligh and Awakened Queen. I'm just really proud of how far I've come no matter what anyone thinks of my situation. Sharing is caring so why wouldn't I put my thoughts out there :)