Post travel blues - spiritual awakening...and now what?

[jmichele44]

Hey guys.

I'm sorry for the long post i don't really have many people i can talk to this about.

I'm suffering a bout of post travel blues, and i hope people here can finally relate. First a bit of back story. I swung between being melancholic/deeply depressed for most my life in my home city of Australia. i was doing everything right according to our social/cultural values, but i was so deeply miserable. after completing my apprenticeship, i made the decision to pool all my money and sell most my possessions and left on a 1 way ticket to Europe. i ended up spending 2 and a half years over there and in some point during my travels I spoke to god (i use this phrase because it was the only point of reference to spirituality in my secular upbringing) and reached levels of happiness i simply didn't know exsisted. I am so grateful for this experience and everything leading up to it because it has really put me on a special path. I returned to Australia with a clear goal living more sustainably and [peaceful with my environment and to be beacon to other people. I am really struggling with the later, as i am very empathetic and really influenced by the people around me.

Now I have been back 'home' for almost a year. And after my life changing experience, i feel very isolated and my depression is coming back, i find myself bored and unmotivated to do anything. I am falling into bad habbits like alcohol/weed/computer games purely to distract myself. things like meditation which i thoroughly enjoyed while overseas, I find it extremely difficult and painful to meditate effectively. I am getting sick more often/staying sicker for longer. I am making compromises which aren't good for my soul. I am just not sure not sure if its the city i grew up in, the people here, or if its just suburban life that is killing me. I haven't felt this disconnected with my spirit since when i first left on my trip.

I find most, if not all my friends and family to have some form of negative impact on my spiritual journey. pretty well all my close and extended family all live in Adelaide, all of them their professional life takes up a vast majority of their time, and when they are not working they seem to be partying, splashing out and doing what is expected by the modern consumer. I do not want any part of this. Every family gathering i feel myself being drained, and i just got an invite for a pre christmas gathering of my whole family, and the thought of going makes me physically sick. my priorities are just so vastly different and i can't related to anything anyones saying anymore. Even something as simple as making decision to benefit my present over my future seems to cause widespread concern, panic and complete misunderstanding within my family. We have old Italian values in my family and the fact i think our relationships are causing me spiritual harm is causing serious conflict within me. I have no idea to do here. i can't just disown them when they only live a few kilometers from me.

Most my old friends (one big friendship circle) smoke weed, drink booz, junk food, just as miserable as i use or have some crutch which i simply do not want in my life anymore, and by simply by fulfilling my social needs i am influenced by all this and end up making destructive decision. but i feel i'm in the same predicament as with my family, i just don't know what to do.

With my friends and family as well, when I came back from my trip, they perceived me as being the same person of from when i left. this couldn't have been further from the truth, but i still find myself (consciously and unconsciously) putting myself back in these little boxes people have created just to have a little social cohesion.

I do ask for help from friends and family that i am still close to, but i feel people do not grasp the roots of my problems, they offer advice like "with enough willpower you can achieve anything" and "you can't run away from your problems here. but when I was overseas it felt like i wasn't running away, that i was actually getting closer to where i want to be. that being in an environment that i agree frees up a lot of my brain power and i can put it other places. t

On a plus side quite a few people are openly commenting how they wish they had my strength of mind to live my own life regardless of social and cultural norms. while its nice to be an inspiration of a kind, its hard being dragged down by all these other people. i feel my motivation and strength getting weaker by the day.

though i have met a girl here, we were together for 3 months, and to put simply, having her around was my main source of love, motivation and emotional support. she is now studying in Scotland (organized before we got together, she is sad she had to leave me). which will take 6 months, i'm 3 months in. this is 1 of the causes for my ****ty mood. But still, if a woman is the ONLY thing i really like about this city, thats a sign that something is terribly wrong?

The plan is to study horticulture for a year because i have discovered i really have a passion for plants, this will allow me to spend time with this lovely woman too. but the way i feel now i can't stick around for much longer than a year, because i feel i am just too limited here.

so here i find myself struggling to find the motivation leave the house, and when i do I end up going for long treks with my dog in the wilderness with hope of grounding myself a bit. I feel i need to start meeting new people but i'm finding it hard to get motivated to leave the house, let alone be inspired to start networking. blurghhh