No opportunity to have a relationship (soulmate)

[TXGemini]

Hi All -

What happens to people who never get the chance to love and have a soulmate? Or even have the chance to experience a romantic love affair?

I mean those of us who want to experience the opportunity but love has eluded us for whatever reason---not love and loss, but rather never have loved but want to do so?

People say go out and mingle where are, sign up for dating sites, but what if you've done that and no one responses? I've been single my entire adult life---31 years.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life. I love my singlehood, freedom to do what I want, when I want to do it. But what is the specialty of some people are single and some people are coupled?

I just don't get it. It's like I missed orientation (and didn't turn in the necessary paperwork before my birth in baby Heaven) or something. There's some people I talk to who got married a week after college graduation or while still in college. No one even approached me in high school, in college, after college, or even now.

I guess I'm not approachable. When I talk to guys they all say I'm nice, sweet, cute, girl next door, blah blah blah. I'm in my 40s....these terms have gotten old to hear....they don't help me.

I'm sitting here--never been in a relationship, no marriage, no kids...nothing to show but 3 degrees and a job.

[ocean breeze]

Have you ever asked a guy out on a date? If you feel unapproachable then maybe do the approaching.

What happens to people who never get the chance to love and have a soulmate? Or even have the chance to experience a romantic love affair?

Nothing. Like anything, its what you make of it.

[TXGemini]

Originally Posted by ocean breeze

Have you ever asked a guy out on a date? If you feel unapproachable then maybe do the approaching.


Nothing. Like anything, its what you make of it.

Actually I have...that's where I've gotten, "you are great, wonderful, sweet, kind, cute, but I like you as a friend, little sister, don't want things to get awkward" speech.

I've even asked girl and guy friends (who are all married) to play match maker for me and they either say, 1) they don't know anyone, 2) everyone they know is married, 3) guys they know aren't 'good enough' for me.

It's really gotten to the point it's not even funny anymore.

I've done the church thing as well. However, my church only has parties and dances for a certain age limit of 55 and older, divorced and/or widowed and since I don't match the criteria, I am not allowed to attend the dances.

My former church had a singles group but it got disband because it had more couples in the group than singles; 1) the couples didn't meet in the group, and 2) the couples basically was using it as a way to make friends rather than as a support group for singles...the singles had nothing in common with the couples and vice versa.

[ad infinitum]

I'm so sorry, Gemini. I wish I had some insight that would help. You sound like a lovely person, and I can't imagine why it's been so hard for you to find someone. I know it's not the same thing at all, but would you ever consider being a foster parent? Maybe you would find that a fulfilling relationship?

[TXGemini]

Originally Posted by ad infinitum

I know it's not the same thing at all, but would you ever consider being a foster parent? Maybe you would find that a fulfilling relationship?

That's one of the 'go to' solutions many people suggest is animals and children to single people unfortunately. I am searching for a connection that can only be fulfilled with adult human interaction and companionship.

[kundalinikid]

If I knew I'd tell you.

I've been in the same situation for years.

I'm not sure if I am socially awkward, or unattractive, or unlikeable? I do know mostly just my immediately family is interested in seeing me regularly. This includes friends.

[NoOne]

Gemini, there are some hard truths you will have to face, in order to get out of your current predicament.

If you have never been in a relationship, it gets harder, the older you get. That is just the way nature works, unfortunately. Like most things, dating and meeting people is a skill, if you have never done it, you probably suck at it.

That's ok, you just have to admit that to yourself and be upfront and honest about it with men you might meet. The easiest way to overcome that is to start dating, so set yourself up on some dating sites and start going on dates even if the men you meet aren't up to scratch. It doesn't matter, you just need to practice and get your confidence up. Once your confidence increases, men will notice you more and you will start getting better dates with higher quality men, but you have to start somewhere. Eventually, chances are, you will meet the right one for you.

Also, you might need to get out of your comfort zone a bit, look further afield, perhaps even abroad, travel a bit if you can, force yourself into new situations and experiences, such as classes or courses. It isn't rocket science, but you have to start doing it, with no expectations as to the outcome, just doing it for its own sake, to get some practice and build confidence.

Good luck,

[TXGemini]

Originally Posted by NoOne

Gemini, there are some hard truths you will have to face, in order to get out of your current predicament.

If you have never been in a relationship, it gets harder, the older you get. That is just the way nature works, unfortunately. Like most things, dating and meeting people is a skill, if you have never done it, you probably suck at it.

Good luck,

Well, for me at least that's not the problem. I'm an extroverted person, I have lots of friends and my job allows me to be out and about alot. When I've had honest communication with my guy friends throughout high school, college, and even now as what my problem is---why guys won't date me I get the feedback of "I'm so nice, little sister quality."

Honestly---they see me in the same category of their moms, sisters, or aunt, not as a sexy woman who they could take to bed and have a romp in the hay. I had this conversation with my twin (before he left) and he even blatantly refused to introduce me to guys he knew were eligible--he went all daddy mode on me.

A female friend who is known to successfully match make several couples (to marriage) has tried to set up a match making party at her home for me 3x--each time it has been cancelled due to forces of nature---a flash flood, one hurricane, and snow. She's given up because she said that's never happened to her before and she thinks God is telling her to not interfere.

I've even asked my guy friends to match make me with some of their guy friends who may be single or divorced and the horrid look on their faces---I thought they were having a stroke or heart attack. Each of them gave the same response, "Oh, no, you're too sweet/nice/adorable to match with D/G/F. He's a dog/thug and you're a lady.

I can't seem to break out of this "Mother Mary/Queen Elizabeth" persona people have of me that I'm never supposed to date/have sex/get married. That I'm supposed to be the old maid of the town and not have romantic thoughts/feelings/companionship.

I feel like I'm the opposite of Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter...like there is some invisible force field hanging over me.

I've even asked them whether I'm attractive, and they all agree that I am. My girlfriends agree that I dress appropriately but that do give off a persona of church girl, bring home to girl, not a roll in the hay. At this point, I'm just asking for companionship.

I've got cousins who have been married 4 or 5 times and they keep saying I'm lucky because I'm still stuck at the gate at least they got out of the starting gate and running down the track.

[NoOne]

Originally Posted by TXGemini

Well, for me at least that's not the problem. I'm an extroverted person, I have lots of friends and my job allows me to be out and about alot. When I've had honest communication with my guy friends throughout high school, college, and even now as what my problem is---why guys won't date me I get the feedback of "I'm so nice, little sister quality."

Honestly---they see me in the same category of their moms, sisters, or aunt, not as a sexy woman who they could take to bed and have a romp in the hay. I had this conversation with my twin (before he left) and he even blatantly refused to introduce me to guys he knew were eligible--he went all daddy mode on me.

A female friend who is known to successfully match make several couples (to marriage) has tried to set up a match making party at her home for me 3x--each time it has been cancelled due to forces of nature---a flash flood, one hurricane, and snow. She's given up because she said that's never happened to her before and she thinks God is telling her to not interfere.

I've even asked my guy friends to match make me with some of their guy friends who may be single or divorced and the horrid look on their faces---I thought they were having a stroke or heart attack. Each of them gave the same response, "Oh, no, you're too sweet/nice/adorable to match with D/G/F. He's a dog/thug and you're a lady.

I can't seem to break out of this "Mother Mary/Queen Elizabeth" persona people have of me that I'm never supposed to date/have sex/get married. That I'm supposed to be the old maid of the town and not have romantic thoughts/feelings/companionship.

I feel like I'm the opposite of Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter...like there is some invisible force field hanging over me.

I've even asked them whether I'm attractive, and they all agree that I am. My girlfriends agree that I dress appropriately but that do give off a persona of church girl, bring home to girl, not a roll in the hay. At this point, I'm just asking for companionship.

I've got cousins who have been married 4 or 5 times and they keep saying I'm lucky because I'm still stuck at the gate at least they got out of the starting gate and running down the track.

I keep telling people, but they don't want to believe me, the problem isn't with you, but with your environment. Small Town America, eh? No wonder.

Get the hell out of there while you can, don't just just sit on your behind.

I'm tellin' ya, it's gonna be completely different, once you move yourself into a different environment. You'd be surprised how often and quickly people find love once they move, especially if it's to a new country. You can always come back with new-found hubby in tow. If that doesn't appeal, at least try to date internationally online and broaden your horizons. There are literally billions of guys out there that would be happy to date you, if they could only find you.

I can personally vouch for Ireland, many of my female friends and colleagues found love within weeks of moving there and are very happy.

[TXGemini]

Originally Posted by NoOne

I keep telling people, but they don't want to believe me, the problem isn't with you, but with your environment. Small Town America, eh? No wonder.

Get the hell out of there while you can, don't just just sit on your behind.

I'm tellin' ya, it's gonna be completely different, once you move yourself into a different environment. You'd be surprised how often and quickly people find love once they move, especially if it's to a new country. You can always come back with new-found hubby in tow. If that doesn't appeal, at least try to date internationally online and broaden your horizons. There are literally billions of guys out there that would be happy to date you, if they could only find you.

I can personally vouch for Ireland, many of my female friends and colleagues found love within weeks of moving there and are very happy.

Actually I live in the 3rd largest city in the U.S. used to be the 4th. I had a better chance when I lived in a small town (where I graduated from high school) because everyone knew everyone and there was more connections. Here in the large city, as part of my job I network with (and have developed friendships with) federal, state, and local politicians, educational leaders, community leaders, and those are the people I've reference above.

My maternal grandmother gave me the nugget of advice (when I left the small town), "oh you will find someone when you go to college in the big city"---got my undergrad, grad, and doctorate to no avail. After I got my doctorate that really turned some potential suitors off because they said I was out of their "league". I don't look at people's backgrounds, economic status, race, or ethnicity. However, I've noticed others seemed to judge me by those standards--more so in the large city.

That's the first thing out of their mouths "what are you ethnically? what do you do for a living?" Immediately you are sized up and judged at that point.

Why can't a woman with a white collar woman date a blue collar man? Who made the rules that says you can't? Being a ethnically mixed female doesn't help my cause any either. I was told by one suitor (the one who would like to see me again after 25 years) that he couldn't introduce me to his family because I wasn't the type (color) of woman he usually dated. Even though I consider myself Black, society labels me mixed so Black men ignore me, shun me, or avoid me.