Wishing him happy birthday

[motunforever]

Gosh, it has been a long road.

I'll try and make this story short. Basically, my ex is turning 30 on Friday. I am actually shocked and cannot believe it, we've known each other for so long; and to be separated at this time is shocking and hard. I never thought I wouldn't be "around" for it. I've read so much on the internet about Twin Flames (and I am still learning)... There's something about him, but I don't want to claim that he is my Twin Flame and have that attacked, pulled apart or dissected. So, I'm just going to say he is very special to me and my inner being knows that.

Anyway, I'm in two minds about whether to contact him for his birthday. In the double digit years that we have known eachother, I've never missed his birthday and if I don't, on one hand I feel like I would be betraying tradition, the established way of doing things.

However, doing things like I have always done them (with him) has always lead me down this path and this place. Also, he is currently away with his current girlfriend, which not only hurt when I found out... But lead to the separation that we are now experiencing.

I don't want to deny the fact that I am hurt or feel like I need to protect myself, and put up boundaries. A part of me says 'no, I am not ready to act like everything is ok this time. I don't want to sweep things under the rug and neglect my pain just to keep the peace' ... I want to respect my feelings - my pain - my time to step back and really take in what's going on and the choices that he has made.
The ones without me.

At the same time, I don't hate him. I actually love him lots and want to acknowledge this milestone. It's special. Then again, I know my message isn't going to be light hearted, it is going to be affectionate and I don't want to overstep. I don't want to do too much. Speak in a way where things are deeper, when they are not at this point in time.

He did wish me a happy birthday this year, but was basic and I was a little hurt by it. Not that I want to engage in tit for tat behaviour, but I want to acknowledge this fact and recognise it. Right now, there's no substance and it's unlikely that I would get this back.

I understand there's this idea that during separation, you should only do things without expectation. I'm talking to myself, asking ... 'what are your motivations for sending this message? what do you want?' but to be honest, I just go back and forth with the content of this post.

After typing this, I'm leaning more towards not saying anything. A part of me feels like, this is the next step in the journey... Me, being quiet - properly. Not for a week, two weeks, but silent for an undetermined period of time. What am I scared of? Him feeling like I am so angry that I didn't say anything and/or feeling like I do not care anymore.

But if I am honest, I don't think he could ever hold against me that I don't care, because prior to him leaving... I have shown that I care and have done so for such a long time.

So, I guess after all of that, I just wanted to know how you guys deal/dealt with your twin flame/significant other's birthday? Perhaps you have a ritual or exercise that you do to acknowledge them, but doesn't involve contact?

Any stories / tips are welcome.