I Finally Did It! (I hope he will call?)

Originally Posted by Rin

The self-proclaimed day of reckoning has come and passed and the game goes on.

This thread is now nearly 3 months old and you still have not got a clue whether he is gay or not, despite seeing him almost every day, and spending some time in his company?

Why is it that after all this time you think that you don't know him enough to bring up the question even in a roundabout way.

From a comment you made I take it that you are discussing this dilemma in other forums as well and are still unable to move this thing along. Why is that? I have given my answer in past posts. As far as I can see you ignored it so I shall not repeat it.

I know you're insinuating that I like drama, and that this is a whole dramatic episode that I'm trying to live out. But, you are wrong. I like this guy a lot, from his physical appearance to the way he carries himself. Had he been another guy I would've come out and told him by now. I have done this numerous times and it has always ended with me being shot down/rejected. And sometimes it was because I came on too fast and too strong, which made me look like a desperate creeper. Well, this doesn't get you anywhere, whether it's just for sex or a relationship; no one is turned on by a needy person. The point of lessons is that they are there to be learned. So, I don't believe I should keep repeating the same scenario over and over again; that is insanity.

Plus, when I become fixated---for lack of a better term---on a guy, it's a very intricate attraction. I don't see him as just another "fish in the sea." And that's the way I thing it should be. I know a guy I can call this very moment who would come and pick me up, give me great sex, and bring me back home. He's fairly good looking, older, mature, but he's not someone I want to be in a relationship with, and I don't believe it's fair for me to just keep using him for sex; he's into me more than I'm into him. The same goes for a few other guys I could call now. I have done the "hook-up," "one-night-stand," thing for the fast few years, with many different people, but deep down, I have never really wanted that. From the time I was 6, before I even understood the concept of a committed relationship, I have wanted someone (a man) to call my own. There were just a lot of things that confused me along the way. And because of that I have never been in a relationship with a man or woman. But now, I am wanting to settle down with someone---at least for a while---to experience it for once in my life. I know that the attraction I have toward J is genuine and quite intense! He inspired me to step out and do something I've never done before; I've already put forth a lot of effort, with him not returning as much. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my chances of being with him. As I said, when I saw him it wasn't a "Oooh I want to love him!" type of attraction. It was more like an "Oh would I like to be with him!"

He has given me signs that he is interested. I'm just wanting to make sure that he is interested in the same thing I'm interested in: not just a hit-it-and-quit-it thing but a long-term commitment. And you know a guy is not just going to come out and say "I want to love you and leave you." He'll play a game (which a lot of people are suggesting that he's doing). Someone even recently suggested "he wants u to beg him, so that if u two hook up and it goes badly, his excuse will be he gave u what u wanted." Well, J seems like a good guy and he has a wonderful persona, I just want to make sure it's real and he's not just a great actor, because I also know he's 21 years old, which is young, dumb, and full of... (well you know the rest). But the "spiritual" people have told me that he's been hurt in relationships and he's trying to figure out the same thing I'm trying to figure out, and that he's trying to make me wait on purpose to see how much he can trust me, but that he's also not sure if he wants this, as he's young and inexperienced in the gay lifestyle, and that he's also trying to be careful about it, as to avoid drama, being that we are co-workers---which makes sense... So, it seems looks to me like they are right in saying that he has a plethora of thoughts and emotions going on, which is why he is sending off so many mixed signals.

You're not gay, so of course you aren't going to have the same perception about this situation as a gay man. But on the other website (dedicated to gay, black men in particular... where most of them are on the Downlow themselves...hence why the website is so popular) where I explained this situation in even more detail, the responders unanimously declare: "He definitely knows!" They are more familiar with the signs and little details that only undercover gay men notice. So me trying to figure out how I'm going to "come out" isn't about letting him know that I like him, but whether letting him know where I want to go with it. He's obviously not as comfortable with his sexuality as I am, so I'm more playing the waiting game than anything. I'm just trying to figure out how long I'm going to be waiting; this is my reason for trying so hard to assess the situation. If it's years, then I don't have time for it. If it's months, well, depends on how many months... But I'm mainly trying to see now if it is going to be okay to come out to him by Friday, February 1st, my last day on the job... or if we will have built a connection by then that will last beyond the job. We have gotten closer over this time, just not close enough to have THE conversation. He's moving slow, just as almost every advisor I've ever spoken to about it said he would.

But I must say, as a gay man on the "downlow," trying to get (especially to attain a committed relationship) with another man on the downlow is much like trying to solve a mathematic equation; you must pay attention to every detail in order to get it right. Well, math has always been my worse subject. So it's not strange that I'm having trouble solving this one. But I'm not going to give up just yet. I was discouraged/hopeless today because I thought that in doing what I did last night (sending him the text) that I might have gone too far. But, hoping that I haven't blown it completely, it looks like I'm just going to have to go back to the drawing board.

Originally Posted by Fire7

much like trying to solve a mathematic equation; you must pay attention to every detail in order to get it right.

Yeah, I know. In some circles this is know under a term that would not pass by the moderation rules in place here.

Over the last 3 months what have you done?

There is a good chance you had a birthday where you could have invited him to a birthday bash. A friend could have had a party and you could have asked whether you can bring a friend along?

You could have organized visiting an orphanage, old age home, hospital as Santa and his helper with the 2 of you playing the roles.

There was the solstice/equinox/Mayan prophecy where you could have organize some get together, ritual, end of the world party.

You could have a Christmas lunch/dinner and invited him.
Some people go to Midnight mass.

Likewise a New Years' Eve party, small or big.
You could have invited him to a New Year's breakfast.

Have you given ANY of these things a thought, even remotely? Or have you let the busiest time of the year, in terms of relationship building and maintenance go past without even noticing the opportunities?

Originally Posted by Rin

Yeah, I know. In some circles this is know under a term that would not pass by the moderation rules in place here.

Over the last 3 months what have you done?

There is a good chance you had a birthday where you could have invited him to a birthday bash. A friend could have had a party and you could have asked whether you can bring a friend along?

You could have organized visiting an orphanage, old age home, hospital as Santa and his helper with the 2 of you playing the roles.

There was the solstice/equinox/Mayan prophecy where you could have organize some get together, ritual, end of the world party.

You could have a Christmas lunch/dinner and invited him.
Some people go to Midnight mass.

Likewise a New Years' Eve party, small or big.
You could have invited him to a New Year's breakfast.

Have you given ANY of these things a thought, even remotely? Or have you let the busiest time of the year, in terms of relationship building and maintenance go past without even noticing the opportunities?

If you want to call it nonsense go ahead, but 1) I don't do ANY of those things you mentioned above^ (the Midnight Mass is the only thing that might've been possible, but 2) J does a lot of things with his family, including going to his relatives' house and singing Christmas, and I know I wasn't going to push myself off on him by asking him if I could go (as there is a thin line between showing interest and showing desperation...

Thanks for the suggestions though. I really don't get out much---I've always been more of an introvert/recluse so it's not easy for me to think of things to do. The only reason I thought of the Downtown Farmers Market/Festival was because a psychic mentioned something that brought it to my memory. But I'll try to think of some events... I just don't want to pester him. As I said I have stressed to him how much I want us to do something together.

[Belle]

I wholly disagree with the mathematical formula issue. If it's meant to be, it will be. Yeah there are some go away things that you can do - like some of those long speeches that you would never remember in a month of sundays and would be torturous to listen to - but to get it right to the nth decimal place - no.

Relax and lighten up, laugh if you get it wrong and apologise and move on, but the over-analysis is disconcerting and puts enormous pressure on your J.

[astralsuzy]

Belle is right again. Listen to Belle as her advice is sensible. I thought Rin's advice was good as well. It is unusual that you do not do any of those things. Oh well, we are all different.
My cousin reminds me of you. She would anallise things and go into a lot of detail, asking everyone for their advice. My mother said to her, lighten up. You are putting too much emphasise on it. I am not sure of her exact words but it was something like that. My cousin found it hard to get a boyfriend because she came across as desperate. She even told me she was desperate. Eventually she went back to someone that liked her years ago.

[twinkle]

Fire7,
Did he text you back?

Originally Posted by twinkle

Fire7,
Did he text you back?

No. And I wasn't expecting him to because I knew he wouldn't. He rarely responds to texts. It was just my way of planting a seed. If I came out and told him that I liked him I know it would've scared him silly. People here keep telling me to go ahead and tell him but they are not the ones who will have to deal with the rejection that will follow. I will know when it's time to tell him as I will feel comfortable enough. Just because we have gotten closer dowsn't mean we have gotten that close.

If I didn't like J as much and was simply lusting after him, then I would've found some way of telling him (again, I have it before). I am only being this patient with him because of how much I like him and don't want to lose him. I'm not one who just moves on to the next guy. Some people I have ran with are that way but they're also ******, so of course they aren't going to have the emotional attachments that I do. They are very confident in their promiscuity so of course they aren't going to fear rejection like I do. As confident as I am in my sexuality I still have a ways to go. J has already forced me to be more confident. But I am being patient with myself as much as I am being with him.

Originally Posted by Fire7

If you want to call it nonsense go ahead, but 1) I don't do ANY of those things you mentioned above^ (the Midnight Mass is the only thing that might've been possible, but 2) J does a lot of things with his family, including going to his relatives' house and singing Christmas, and I know I wasn't going to push myself off on him by asking him if I could go (as there is a thin line between showing interest and showing desperation...

Thanks for the suggestions though. I really don't get out much---I've always been more of an introvert/recluse so it's not easy for me to think of things to do. The only reason I thought of the Downtown Farmers Market/Festival was because a psychic mentioned something that brought it to my memory. But I'll try to think of some events... I just don't want to pester him. As I said I have stressed to him how much I want us to do something together.

It is not nonsense but Mind messing I had in mind. Again, and not surprisingly, you seem to miss the point which is simply action, and the development of common interests. The particulars are entirely irrelevant for this discussion.
Shagging each other can only take up so many hours, what are you doing for the rest of the time you may spend with him?

If it is not easy for you to think of things to do then practice. Set yourself the task of every day finding something new you could do, alone or together with someone, easy or difficult, affordable to you at the moment or not, seemingly ridiculous or not, esoteric or mundane.

Anything is better than nothing and it will teach you to keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities and happenings. That is what synchronicity is about. It is not someone orchestrating things behind the scene for our benefit but us being receptive to what is happening and being prepared to engage with it.

Well, I just came from work, and I am smiling because I TOLD HIM!

I went against the advise of about 50 people who have told me to be "patient." I just followed my heart like I did that day I introduced myself to him. I had actually written a speech a couple of weeks ago that I was going to say to him and rehearsed it, so I my mind would go blank when I told him. But today, I just said "Forget it! I'm just going to suck it up and go to him unrehearsed, and just tell him how I feel."

So today I found him once again by the punch-out clock (well I actually kind of kept an eye out for him to see when I could get him alone). I lead him outside the front of the building, but there were guys sitting out there so I turned around and motioned back toward the door we went out of the first time.

I was stalling a little because I was nervous, but I started by telling him about how I'm taking the rest of the week off because I'm moving into a different place which is by Walmart and how I'll be putting in an app for Walmart, and that I don't know how long I'll be at the job... He was smiling and saying how cool it was and told me to put a word in for him if I get the job. He started back toward the door... I was going back and forth in my mind as to whether I should leave it there, but I caught him right before he opened the door and said "There's one more thing... I know you have my number but don't be afraid to use it. I really like you, ya know (I say 'ya know' when I'm nervous)... I see something in you (I raced this by him), and I want to get to know you... (he responded "yea" like he already knew) and vice/versa." I don't really remember in detail how everything went---even though it was just an hour and a half ago--because my mind kind of went blank out of nervousness. But I do remember him saying something about he'd come over my place, and he said we could still do "that thing" referring to the Farmers' Market. He said he had to work on his car this weekend, which was why he wasn't able to go this past Saturday.

I'm sure I looked like a clutz, and it's a good thing he's shy like I am so he could understand my nervousness. I think he was a little nervous too and was playing it off by smiling (he has the cutest smile, with those dimples!), and how he was moving around kind of told it (or maybe that's that young energetic blood in him that comes with his young age). But his smile, whether nervous or not, wasn't any less genuine; I like to think he was blushing. So, anyway, We slowly made it back to the door, waited a couple minutes for the clock-out time. Of course, I had to run to the restroom right after that. But I had a big smile on my face and felt so relieved! I was so excited that I missed the guy I ride with in front of me punching out. I waited for J to punch out, he gave me some dap (which he's never done), I said "See you next week" and he replied the same.

I still don't know if he took the "I really like you..." as a friendly friendly or a romantic gesture. I purposely left it open to go either way, just to be on the safe side. But either way, now he knows that I want to get to know him and that I'm interested in him as a person. Now, I'll just see where it goes from here, but as for now it's a load off my chest! And now I can just focus on getting some things in order to move away from home for the first time in my life. This was one reason I wanted to just get this out of the way. it was symbolic, to me, of a new beginning, and taking leaps of faith!


Below is some of the dialogue between me and a psychic who I consulted with for over an hr about this situation, who also did a "negative energy removal" for me for $20.00. I won't post the first message I sent her because it was very long. I'll just post her response to my message expressing my concern about what seemed to be happening, my response to her, and then her last response to me. But today, I basically said "Forget her! She's probably lying to me like all the rest of these psychics!"
V


"Look I don't care about a bad review... I told you to let the cards fall as they are going to.
I have seen and dealt with situations like this for a very long time.
You came to me for guidance and I gave it to you. Now it is up to you to do with it what you will.

Your letting the negativity take control. I told you to be positive, and not have doubts. I see someone doing work against you, And I am trying to fix this. I've been trying to fix this but things keep getting messed up, I will continue my work, I will continue helping you. and again I ask you for faith.

I'm not even charging you for these emails, And I am trying to help you.. I will keep you in prayer.
Keep me in yours as well."

Love & Light
-Debbie
On 01/07/2013, Rick Fox wrote:
"Okay, well look, I'm going to be patient. And if it happens that a woman does grab him up while I'm being "patient" and not paying him any attention, then I have already let you know how my review/rating is going to go, so please don't be shocked... Furthermore, I like to believe that you care, but you are looking at this situation from afar off. You're not in my shoes, you are close to the situation and don't have to deal with the pain in your chest from the rejection, jealousy, etc...

I am relocating this weekend, so after tomorrow I'm going to take 3 days off to get things in order before the move... and in that time will be putting an app in at Walmart close to where I'll eb living. IDK how long I have left at this job. Maybe this will be my last week. I don't know. You know that "out of sight is out of mind." Jerome is a busy-body, and he turns a lot of people down. Why would I think, for a second, that he won't turn me down or simply forget I exist? He already doesn't call me and we work together. Imagine how apathetic he'll be with me nowhere in sight. He obviously doesn't care about me.

I don;t know what kind of work you're doing, but I hope it will amount to something.

Thank you"

On 01/05/2013, PsychicDebbie wrote:
"I told you not to interfere, I told you not to go to him and pressure things. You are messing with the work I am doing and not helping him with his confidence by putting pressure on him.

Stop being so stubborn please, Let things happen. Stop taking matters into your own hands.

Your adding more roadblocks than needed,
Stop doubting stop being possessive and have faith"

[twinkle]

In response to the psychic (aka negative energy remover), I think you must take matters into your own hands or nothing will happen. I mean nothing will likely happen within a month (the time you have left at work) if you do nothing. I think these scam psychics like to feel powerful by holding people back in life.

Yea, I am so happy for you that you kinda told him. I can't say he thinks it is anything more than friendship since he does not know you are gay- at least you have not told him. But it is a very good sign he brought up coming over to go to the Farmer's Market on his own. And he tapped you on the shoulder! :)