another small epiphany

Hi Kundalinikid,

I would rather just not exist

This is what you wrote in one of your responses. Why would she want to see or even love someone who rather would not exist?.
You yourself find yourself a freak (by using your misalignment in a username, if i understood well?). She calls you a freak...what about you maybe are attracting her saying this to you?

You say i have a good outlook...why say that mine is better than yours? Right after i read all my responses, pain and emotion kicked in again and i started texting him again...so why would i have a better outlook?

I didn´t transform after meeting him. The only thing that happened back then is that suddenly i couldn´t hide myself any longer.
You wrote: i would rather just not exist.
What i thought and asked myself several times in the last decades: Do i even exist? I felt invisible lots of times. After having met him, most of all after he started ghosting me, it seemed like for the first time i really (dare feel) felt what pain i had been feeling in all those years. How i have been sabotaging myself, hurting and most of all hiding myself. I am trying to get out of that behaviour. I haven´t transformed yet, hope i ever will. But i don´t think you should call it transformation. Maybe for others it will seem like one is transformed.

You fill in a lot of her thoughts (i know, i am quite good at that as well). What you give energy, will grow. So as long as you go on like this...nothing will change...

Try to step out of it. All the thinking, freaking, feeling pain and such...it is all ego. If i want to (and even if i don´t want to) i can go there as well. I have gone through hours and days of h.ll this year. But i don´t want that any longer. Feels like ego is getting tired lol...because the true self just IS. It is all ego.

Try to find silence within...don´t read or search for information about whatever...She´s judging you, because you are judging yourself.
You just cannot fill in what she is thinking. For instance about the article she wrote about misalignment of the body (if i understood right)...what if she thought of you...what if she has been feeling sorry for you...?
Where you are filling in her thoughts as all negative....you could as well fill them in as being positive. You see exactly what you want to see...

You are (feeling) miserable...so why should other people see you different..., these were/are still my lessons...never can anyone else be responsible for our own thoughts and feelings...never...we have free will and choice...
If we want the world to look beautiful, it is up to ourselves...no one else is responsible for us.

The soul doesn´t think, so everything comes from the mind. Try and stop thinking at first maybe for a couple of minutes a day. It all comes from the mind.

On the other hand...it could be you are her mirror...you might not be the only one feeling like this. Don´t judge a book by its cover. If you are the chaser ...she must have been the runner...could be of out ego-thinking as well. what if she has chosen the easy road? Of course i don´t know, but there are so many possibilities. Try to go for the positive version...

I wrote: `You see exactly what you want to see.´

Better is said: you exactly see what you believe..


Why wouldn´t it be possible she is ´wearing a mask´?
I believe that the majority of the people is wearing masks...lead by ego...

[kundalinikid]

Hmm, I do have a negative slant on things, I know this.

I can't get caught up in the TF junk, though....runners, chasers, egos. All of this just serve to make an excuse for that person's behavior towards me. In no world did she treat me like a human being or with any kind of mutual respect. It's unacceptable, and I will not make excuses for her. It's like a physically abused spouse justifying their partners abuse in my eyes.

I will say I need to address the negativity. The only thing that works in my mind is to decouple from it all and focus healing myself. If somewhere down the line an opportunity presents itself then okay.

On a side note, I did find these Chinese herbal teapills that have been great for my condition. I don't feel so crippled by the obsession/anxiety as I once was.

Check this out:
https://youtu.be/iIjJdwlMF5A?si=hGC9TU50c2TPdnai

So, background on it...I'm thinking of how I seemed to have guided messages early in my awakening experience. I have not received anything really tangible at all in years. I muttered to the heavens about it. I basically said to my guides, "Where the heck are you?!?! You can't give me anything?!?" And that video popped up in my feed on my Youtube feed the following day. It could be a coincidence, but I have not really been watching other readings so, it was odd to me for it to show up in my suggestions.

Oke, i can agree with you about the chaser, runner and such. But it is not so much about how much pain she caused you....but more about: you did let it happen...you let it get you..(same here unfortunately) i get triggered over and over again. The more relaxed and closer to my true self i get the harder ego/mind/thoughts get back to me...and then he gets all stories all over and over, but i am talking into a void...that triggers the s..t out of me. I hope one day this will get easier...

Am going to stop for a while on the forum, just for my sanity...wish you all the luck, Kundalinikid!

[kundalinikid]

Originally Posted by irisa

Am going to stop for a while on the forum, just for my sanity...wish you all the luck, Kundalinikid!

Agreed on battling the ego. Hope to see you around again.

I hope I wasn't responsible for making you snap. Despite my negativity, at the end of the day there is nothing wrong with believing in miracles.

O no, not at all...

i need to take distance from all this twin flame stuff and all the thinking...i thought i was choosing for myself already...yeah, maybe in a few things...need to give myself a lot of peace..

Bye, i will return...i know i will...

[FallingLeaves]

well in case you want something to ponder whenever you get back and you feel like re-reading this thread...

in my current view, pain doesn't go away. My longing that I can somehow aspire to this eternally just being more rampant imagination, more fires in the woods.

yeah i can go to a lot of effort to bury it, to build walls against it, to do a lot of things that make it seem gone. for a while, maybe for a lifetime. But when I get tired of maintaining whatever it is I build, the weather will do its thing, ground will be uncovered, the walls will be pulled down, and basically anything I have build to hide the pain and make myself feel better in the short term will disappear. And I'll have to look at this again.

That is at least how I see my past lives from the current perspective.

I've gotten a little pragmatic about pain though, I always wanted stuff for free after all. Well it turns out that I do realize that if I quit with turning away what is freely given by nearly everyone (a lot of meanness and pain) that is one way to get endless quantities of something for free. There might even be a therapeutic benefit to doing that... but... I can only bear so much at once (mischevious grin ).
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Twins aren't any different. One has so much hope for the union! but again it turns into rampant imagination and more fires. And a lot of quashed hopes. It never works out unless suddenly one finds relief in the idea of the separation... then the twin comes back just long enough to reignite the desire for union. And when the twin departs one is back to square one with having to desire them without reconciliation again...

Almost like, and the bible even says this at one point, god cursed females this way. To always be longing for their husband even though perhaps they don't WANT it to be that way. Because you can't long for something you already have therefor if you are going to be made to long you can't have what you want but you still have to want it. So everything has to be constructed in such a way that any time you find a way to accept not wanting the husband, that is immediately taken out of your hands, and at the same time you can't actually have your desire.

which makes you always wriggling and sqirming, when you aren't willing to put up with going to a lot of effort to try to sit still.

And that is only one of several curses on the female.

males were cursed a different way in that story.
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but from what I am told we are to be optimistic and ignore the reality that is right in front of our faces, so that we can feel good in our relationships with others.
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that is the way i currently see it and nothing I remember of past lives does anything but strengthen the idea that that is the situation I am in. Even inasmuch as I don't WANT to believe something so horrible could be true and went to great lengths to try not to look directly at it. Because I felt that acknowledging the problem would be like asking the LOA to reinforce it... one aspect of the darkness... one doesn't want to know the truth because the truth isn't a sweet candy...
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so that is why I no longer try to figure out how to make this work out or on the other hand try to fight with the pain... or on the other hand keep insane belief in things that never happen while still understanding that won't make this go away either...

Instead i'm busy trying to understand why god thinks i'm such an awful person that he had to do this to me. Sigh.

Haha, thnx falling leaves...but not in the near future...i am ridding myself of as many distractions as possible. Funny, how even making that choice gives one a little extra peace already.

Why not change your name into tree in spring or something like that ...to be honest i think i also need to get away from the somewhat negative energy ...i don't mean this in a bad way....i like to get people to see things positively ..but like myself, in the end were foremost responsible for ourselves ..

Bye for now...hope you will let the sun shine in for yourselves a bit more

[FallingLeaves]

never mind...