his affection is literally... my drug.

I have been coming to a lot of self-realisations lately. One being this: I literally feel like I'm on some type of high over powering drug whenever I am around this guy I've fallen for. There is something about him, about our time together that nobody else can give me. - And I refuse to try and seek it elsewhere. - I have been able to move on from other relationships in the past... including a relationship I had with a man for 6 years.... the difference was, my ex of 6 years never gave me the feeling this certain someone gives me. - But this isn't the first time this has happened. I felt the same type of dopey, druggy feelings for the guy I lost my virginity to (10 years ago) - And I am seeing a re-occurance. - A pattern... the man I lost my virginity to when I was 17 was a friend of mine. We shared a lot together. We were good friends, and it wasn't just sex.. it was intimacy as well. Pillow talks, sharing stories, goals, ambitions... things you do with a partner... except... he wasn't my partner. - Now 10 years later I'm feeling the same thing with someone else... and the same pattern is popping up. - This man is not my partner... he is just a friend but we share the same things. - Both of these men also do something to me that my ex also did: They're selfish, and immature lovers. - They all want intimacy (sex, friendship, cuddling, a female by their side) on THEIR terms... but when I wanted, or want it... it's like I don't exist. There is apart of me that realizes this is abusive... I just don't know how to dissect and end this pattern. I really would love to have this guy as my boyfriend but I don't feel like he's ready to be a boyfriend.. obviously. - And in the end I'm just hurting myself. But.. I really and in all honesty cannot see myself with anybody else. I also have had a few tarot readings and our outcome is almost always: Temperance, Lovers, or Wheel Of Fortune. - I am not sure what to do at this point as it's killing me inside. - I know whenever I am with him I want nothing more than that... forever. - I am not sure what to do. - I am just reaching out for help, I suppose. - I have been feeling like this for about 6 months now. Where as... I feel like I should have moved forward by now. I've been on many dates, met many other men, but nobody... shines a light. I feel like the relationship I had with my ex was more of a karmic relationship that lasted too long. - Although I am grateful for it because I wouldnt be where I am at today if it weren't for he and I carrying on what we had... he just never gave to me what I needed. - What I craved... and that was this strange drugged feeling I get... this euphoria... I can't even describe it... and I know not everyone gets it, because I've tried telling other people about it and they look at me like I'm crazy. -All I can do is pray and... "let it be" (words of wisdom from The Beatles) ;) Thanks to anybody who actually took the time to read this... my late night mind leads to late night ramblings. Maybe I should spend this time meditating instead. ha!

Namaste!

[psychoslice]

I myself have been through this playground of throwing love back and forth like a football, I have been addicted to another human being believing I was nothing without that person, all this time I thought this was love.
I remember thinking once, gee, I didn’t realize love was so hard and so cruel, but there I was again jumping into it like a addicted drug addict, jumping into he’s next fix.
When there is this realization from within, there is no more wanting someone or something to make you complete, you now realize that you have always been complete, you are completed in every single living and none living thing.
When we believe we are separate we then feel as if we need something to cling to, if not a security blanket, another human under the blanket. True love isn’t security, true love doesn’t protect you, It allows you to do what ever you want, it even lets you die.

That's the thing... I'm perfectly content with being alone. I just feel as though it's a fix when I'm with him. - I don't NEED it to survive... he just really makes me feel dopey. - I know I can move on... I just stubbornly choose not to. But yes. I need to let go of those energies... it's just a matter of choosing solitude... :) There are a few things I need to get straight with myself... I just don't know how... besides spending time alone... even then I know I'll eventually give into my own human "needs".