Breaking free from the old conditioning

[Mysticat-IID]

It's been a while since I last posted. Remembered my last post about childhood home when once again I returned to that place in another dream and few days after during holidays, I witnessed another family drama about minor things... giving a cruel reminder of how my own power to affect things that happen in my enviroment can be taken away so easily by someone who has more energy than me. Basicly the loud domineering extroverts. I'm so fed up that a highly sensitive introvert or empath can't do much anything but give them room and flee, even while we had proof and rational reasoning, all human support still goes to the domineering type! As if we could never fight or are an "inferior submissive type".
I still find it hard breaking free from the conditioning that if you own traditionally masculine qualities (even if female), you are allowed to rule yourself and others, but if you are more feminine type (even if male), you have to submit to your set position because the alpha fe/males are invincible. Part of me can see outside this and see everyone as equal, but it's more like an idea I want to manifest into my life as truth that can't be swayed by fear. Social roles also should become gender and personality neutral and kept where they may practically still matter; career field.

I recall all the frustration about this through my life. Once I used to be proud about seeing what others miss and being able to be self-sufficient as in how introverts aren't dependent on having other people around to feel comfortable, but eventually because my power to choose and have my own basic human needs were taken away by the controlling parent, authorities outside home and the old bullies at school, I started hating myself for having "the wrong qualities". It became a desire for revenge on these people yet fear to act at all because I do not know where to strike, after all "you can't win a sociopath!" like them... even while "where there is will, there is a way" could also be true even if dangerous in this case.
Fleeing wouldn't help unless I'm a grown-up, because they could just call the police to catch me and if I spoke against the parents, they'd just convince the authorities I'm making things up to rebel them. As a grown up it doesn't matter where I go, because their hands are washed from all responsibility for my future well-being and from the "mistakes" they did when raising me. I should be the one to let go of the past (and accept that they are above justice), in their opinion.

In time, my standard to be authentic, honest and strong deep inside started fading. Adatping to inevitable required less energy. Fighting the toxicity no longer rewarded my desire to be a warrior spirit - losing merely proved I wasn't qualified. Maybe it was time to fake adaption as in playing it smart? This started resulting in me dissociating and refusing to live my life because it'd be unworthy of living as it was. When I started catastrofizing I'll be doomed to become a submissive slave to humanity with no hope for free choices for career, safety, healthy human relationships, freedom or legal justice/human rights.. I even started wishing to become a subject to some even inhumane scientific experiment so that my "wrong" qualities would be replaced with desirable ones - I would've gone through so much to "fix" myself to have these "winning qualities". I know this thinking is very unhealthy, but considering the situation back then I think it's understandable. It manifested as in me spending some time in hospital however. Gladly I haven't needed to return there. At best the unhealthy thinking gave some fascinating story ideas, but aside from that... just ugh.

In some part of life also metaphysics and spirituality came in as an idea to "fix" me, if I only learned how... I wish I would've known that energy work existed, but such things are still considered a sign of mental illness, which definitely doesn't bring any better future for anyone. I attracted very emotionally volatile people into my life back then as well. I still prefer not talking about it out loud so much: I don't want anyone seeing me insane for being open-minded to improve my condition, even less becoming a target for further abuse. At least gaining more faith in that spirituality isn't complete humbug did remind that nobody can truly take away my power while in physical plane things are very much out of balance! Ultimately I just want to heal myself, receive healing to my ability to heal and eventually make something out of my life, as it should the birthright for everyone!



Long messy post written in the middle of night, might contain lots of weird sentences but I had to let this come out. I've been trying to write about this for a long time, always kind of refusing to post it anywhere or just quitting because outside distractions. As far as I can tell about helping myself, moving out into most self-sufficient lifestyle possible will be an option as soon as it's safe to do so. Until then...