Help me learn to let go....

I am so glad to find this forum - I feel like I'm going crazy - and yet when I read other people's stories and although circumstances may be a little different the feelings & experiences are the same....I finally feel validated that it's not all in my head - and that there is somewhere to express myself without negative misunderstanding, because the majority of you know how this feels....

My story...

I relocated to a new country - a single parent of a then 14 year old...struggled to find work and wondering why I had moved away from 'home'. I finally took a job that I didn't want & my first day met my new boss....instantly we connected. I learnt his story - he was married, with a little one - straight away I put the connection to the back of my mind - I don't chase married men so I was happy remaining as friends - we knew the connection we had was special & that was enough. I met his wife for bbq's she is a lovely being - she brought up the connection we had - and I said yes we are good friends & left it at that. Time went on they moved away - I missed him/he missed me but we knew we would always be great mates.
They moved back, another child had come along, I had had a bad relationship & ended it.
Although we were great friends I tried to keep my distance as there had been moments where we looked into each others eyes and felt the connection and although it felt so right we both knew it was wrong under the circumstances.

All the above happened over a 2 year period then about 9 months ago he calls me and said I had to let you know we have decided to split up - at this point I told him I thought he had made a big mistake - how lovely his wife was but that I would support his decision as only they knew what really went on behind closed doors.
We left it a few months - then he phoned and said he would love to catch up. We went out - he kissed me - and it was like my soul escaped - and flew to him - I cannot find another way to describe this as it is bigger than any words I can find.
We started seeing each other - when we first made love there was a moment - he said can you feel that - it was like we were connecting on a deeper level than mere physical - our souls were connecting - loving one another - the expression in both our eyes pure love - pureness I can't begin to describe it - again no words seem enough.
Time and time again it happened - we couldn't get enough of each other - not just in sex (although yes this too) but just being in each other's presence felt like coming home. We felt complete. We are not each other's 'usual type' and we laugh about this, he said u know me - deeper than I know myself at times - I feel the same. He said he loves the honesty and trust we share - it is second to none & considering he spent most of his married life feeling like he was living a lie - I felt so happy that he could be this way with me & I with him. There was no pretending or ** - just pure love, joy - happiness.

Then a few months later his wife asked for another try - for the kids. I know he loves & respects her as the mother of his children - I know too his kids are his world. She had said she was moving interstate if he didn't - he had to go & give it another go - I knew it, and so did he.

Here I am one month later - there is not a day that has passed that I haven't cried from the depths of my soul, I didn't know pain like this existed. We have tried to stay away from each other - we have failed twice before they had officially moved back in together - we knew it was wrong but each time we tried to pull away the intensity of needing to be together one more time was too overwhelming and we gave in. The pain we both felt afterwards knowing we had to let go was almost too much to bare - we have tortured each other everyday with the push/pull of it all - trying to do the right thing but then failing miserably at times too. A few days ago we finally decided that we had to have no contact - I went to a place where we had made love yesterday - at the beach. I sat and cried my soul aching like I have never felt before - ever.
I read all the posts saying to trust and have faith that we will be together again if it is meant to be - but how do you carry on living? I feel like I am a shell of a person & I know despite his best efforts - he too is not 100% back into his marriage as his minds drifts back to us.

I am going through the motions - crying in secret most of the time as to not upset my loved ones who don't understand and think I need to just move on and that he is an A**hole.

Help me please to understand how to let go of the pain of longing I have for him & find happiness as I know this is going to be a long journey - and I'm not sure how much longer I can go on this way. We have both said we need to stop contact as it is destroying both of our lives - at times I feel strong and feel like I can trust in our love - trust that it will be allowed to be free again one day - but then the craving I have for him just becomes overwhelming and I find myself crying out for him again.

If I could just stop this love trust me I would - I'm not the sort of person who usually gets caught up in stuff like this and neither is he - but we both feel like we are out of control of it - and don't know how to 'deal' with it I guess.

Sorry I know this is long but I needed to express myself somewhere - I hope someone out there can help - be gentle as I am feeling pretty on the edge right now.

Thank you so much xxx

[WhiteWarrior]

To be brutal, I think you should wait until the marriage breaks again. What cause the first rift obviously wasn't resolved. Hope you can hold together until then.

[Mr Interesting]

No matter what a relationship can be called, and you haven't actually used one which is a good thing, in the long run it's less about the relationship and more about what they teach us, or what we learn about ourselves that counts.

One of the all abiding things that we all have to learn is that we should enjoy all things as they happen and then let them go. So no matter whether it's a car or a house or a pet or even another person, or even life itself, our higher calling involves letting everything be as it must without us owning it and wanting to possess it.

The Twin Flame expression, as a metaphor, seems to be the highest expression of that lesson whereby we are given as taste of the most valuable thing we might seek to possess and in learning the lesson of letting it go we would learn one of the highest expressions of freedom. The lesson is one of personal completeness and how else might that be learned than by the offer of the thing that is most valuable in the world as we know it.

[Teal]

I so feel your pain loving, I have been there. I agree with white. Maybe it isn't over. Third try is lucky. There is always good helpful adviceon this forum.

[mystical]

you both are still connected , allow the FEAR the DOUBT and most of all the GUILT go dont hold onto them , one of the things we all are having to learn from this connection is "PATIENCE"him and wife still have unfinished business or karma which is why they have been bought back together , maybe and this is just a maybe as nothing is truly for certain , that they have been bought back together for the time for you to expereience this pain , your soul and his agreed to this before u incarnated, to teach you both that through pain comes growth , maybe .... you two parted for a whole number of possibilites , 1
to help him bring that love into his new relationship , and for you to take that love into a possible future one , , or 2 ... that being apart will show you both just how much you yearn to be together , and that you have to remain true to yourselves , his wife told him she was going to leave , maybe he felt under pressure or felt the need to go back just to keep the family together maybe he done it for all the wrong reasions which if thats true he wil realise this and have to face that , in the meantime your going thro a period of what is termed soul shock , if you havent heard of this , google,.. dark night of the soul , you have lots of growing lots of clearing to go through and these connections help us to get to where we need to be , try to see this as an experience that will help one another connect mor eon a spiritual and a soul level , whilst beign apart use that energy to uplfit you and to take you where you need to be , its hard but you have to put the hard work in to benefit from the rewards , nothing in life comes easy and the hardest relationship we can have is with ourselves , i wil send lots of healing and positivity your way because it is so painful ,frustrating and tiring and can knock the stuffing out of you , go easy on yourself at this time . xx

[mystical]

how cool , that last message was 11.11 :)

Thank you so much for your wisdom love and support...

I have read Steve Carrs book so have a new understanding of what this is and why it happens - I just don't know how to cope with what is happening. You are right Mystical and yr words help immensely in understanding more thank you :)

Today I want to be so angry at him...I feel like my life is all but destroyed while he continues on with his family - I say want because I can't actually feel angry at him...I know he wld never want to see me this way and feels guilt for it. His last words to me was that he wasn't going to let me out of his life - that he cannot imagine life without me in it and that once we both get control of this love that we can reconnect - but he is less spiritually developed I guess and still believes in controlling things but I know differently - I know there is no way we will be ever able to control it enough to be in each others presence without it being totally obvious.

I just don't know how to cope...every minute I am biting my lip trying to stop the tears...at work this lasts for about an hr before I hide in the bathroom and let the silent tears fall just to feel a release...im avoiding those closest to me because they see the pain and loss in my eyes and either get angry or try to talk but no one understands and they just try to convince me I need to harden up.

I have raised a child on my own - I know normal pain of love and loss...I know too that life isn't always easy and am built of pretty strong stuff when it comes to getting up and on with it...none of the normal tricks are working this time...infact they seem to be making it worse the more I try....I am at a loss as to help myself through this

And yes - I noticed the 11:11 Mystical xx

[awakeningheart]

So sorry for your pain. Something similar happened to me and my tf. It was a long time ago.

You have to let him go to go through whatever he needs to learn from this other relationship. Your time together is not now. If there's any way you can hold on to the purity of the love you have for each other, accept it and allow it to sit with you, always.

You haven't lost that, you have only lost him in the physical. That doesn't mean you are not connected..just as Mystical says..you will always be connected.

That's probably little comfort right now when you are grieving what seems to be a loss. And it's okay to be angry with him..we are all just treading water sometimes when it comes to spiritual things like this. He obviously recognises there is a connection so he is not going to forget you.

Now it's time to be good to yourself, to feel sad and allow this time of sorrow, but just remember that it's an illusion because if he is your tf, you can never really be separated.

[mystical]

in your heart you know that you have a good strong connection ,and for the time being try not to dwell on the seperation for that is just an illusion , we are never really seperated or betrayed , use this time to be creative , learn to channel all that emotion into something positive , what do u like to do ? what do u want to do in regards to mission work ? know that your going thro a process of major healing , i have had a huge clearing the last two weeks but this time i have been focused telling myself its ok it wil pass , learn to reconnect with yourself xxx